"Be Of Good Cheer"

I weigh myself every morning right before getting in the shower. When I was in the thick of trying to lose weight, there were mornings that I stepped on the scale and didn't get any thinner, or even went up in weight. It devastated me. My natural reaction was to first be depressed and fatalistic, then gradually move to unrealistic. I made big plans while washing my hair. It went like this:

"Oh no! This is terrible, I am never going to get past this stage. I am always going to be fat. Stupid fat, stupid me, why did I eat that cake yesterday?"
Then:
"I know - I just won't eat anything today - that will get me back to where I want to be...Great idea..."

The next step I would sabotage my dumb plan, like this:
"O.K., no breakfast, no big deal" then a bit later "I didn't eat anything, just this muffin won't hurt, oh, so good, maybe just one more, they're small, and then I won't eat anything else." Later I would think "It's bad to not eat a whole day, I should have lunch" and then justify a rather large enchilada with cheese, salad, & veggies.

By three I would completely forget all about my plans made in the shower, and eat the cookies dunked in milk alongside with my kids (fellowship - solidarity). By dinner I would feel guilty and eat extra to quiet my inner voice. Dessert? I blew it anyway, I might as well give up and start tomorrow... Then the whole thing starts again.

Jorge Cruise has a book called "8 Minutes In The Morning". His main idea is that by eating healthy and doing weight resistance you can lose up to 2 pounds a week. I used some of his ideas when I was in the thick of things. He addresses the problem I just talked about by using the example of Forrest Gump using what he calls "Result-Driven Questions". He says"

"Instead of asking himself, 'Why am I disabled' 'What's wrong with my legs?' or 'Why am I slower than all the other kids?' he asks questions such as, 'Why did God make me so special?' or 'Why am I so lucky to have these magic shoes?' or 'How do miracles happen everyday?"
By asking Result-Driven Questions, you are actually unable to focus on things that make you depressed or unmotivated. You have no option but to see things in a way that empowers you.
If you ask negatively driven questions such as "Why is it so difficult for me to lose weight?' or 'Why can't I lose weight?' or "What's my problem?' your answers will reveal all of the reasons why you can't lose the weight and will make you feel worse. Using RDQ's will give you the power to direct what you see and hear; they direct your emotions toward the results you want. You need to read and think about RDQ's each and every day.
Examples of this are: "What joy will I feel when I attain my ultimate body?
"How incredible will my life become when I am leaner?" "What extraordinary things will people say to me when I am leaner?" "What can I do today so that my weight loss plans run smoothly?" "How can I continue to create a weight loss support network?"

To this day I have a tendency to ask myself negative questions. I like writing this blog because I am reminding myself of something important. Tomorrow, If I don't like what I see because of weekend overindulging I am going to say, (in an optimistic voice) "well CJ, I am thinner than I was 2 years ago, I really did some good things and am well on my way to making this a lifestyle. I have succeeded in harder things than this, and I have God in my corner."

"...be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you...Pray always that you enter not into temptation..."D&C 61:36,39

Finding Holiness

I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that in him I can do all things that are necessary to be a good mother. But sometimes it is hard to put that knowledge into practice.

As I look around my house I feel depressed, it is cold and rainy outside, there are smudges on walls, laundry spilling out of every hamper, and pee behind every toilet (I just can't seem to impress upon my four year old the importance of aiming.) I am ready to curl up in a nice warm spot with a good book, and a gallon of chocolate ice cream (good thing I stopped buying it). These are the days that make me fat.

I am grateful for good women who teach me. One talk during the 1996 women's conference sticks with me. Mary B. Kirk gave a talk called "Finding Holiness in Everyday Life. It was and is life changing. She says:

"If I want to understand and know the Savior, I have to say to him, "Come unto me. Visit me in my house, in my space on earth." And if he would come and be right there close by me, I could say, "Lord, what wouldst thou have me do?" I have a good imagination, so I can see the Savior coming up the steps with the faulty rail, standing on my porch, and gently knocking on my door, wanting to come in and bring some peace and joy to my whirlwind. .."

She then goes on to explain what she would show the Savior...She takes him from room to room, pointing out messes that symbolize children learning, family meals, and projects in which God given tallents are used.

"Come see my laundry room. See all these clothes? I know that many people need these worse than we do....the laundry pile can be discouraging at times.I'm so grateful to have hot, running water. That is the thing I am most grateful for...besides the Atonement...I know a lot of my brothers and sisters on earth don't have hot, running water - or even water. Today there are more clothes clean and folded than dirty and unsorted. When I work in here I can see work clothes and school clothes and play clothes and church clothes. Looking at these clothes I can see Jim hard at work to provide for us. I see one of my sons sitting on the deacons bench, getting ready to serve the sacrament. I see my other son running track in the rain and the mud. It's right there in the laundry room. I can see them. And I can see my girls playing dress-ups, pretending to be mommies and dancers and doctors and teachers and all those wonderful things. Imagining and dreaming..."

In Mosiah 18:12 Alma says, "Oh Lord, pour out thy spirit upon thy servant, that he may do this work with holiness of heart."
Instead of asking a bowl of ice cream to help and comfort, I need to ask the Lord.

"He'll sprinkle holiness into today, and we will find it. He will pour out his holiness upon us at the rate that we open our eyes and perceive, open our ears and understand, and open our hearts and invite him in" Mary B. Kirk

The malt ball and "tender mercies"

Bear with me, I have a point while I explain yesterday, it may be tedious, but I am not indulging in self pity, I want to convey a miracle. My husband has been away on business all week. Each day I fall a bit farther behind. Yesterday I woke a bold single mother, I exercised and then studied scriptures, got all kids washed, fed, dressed, prayed over and out the door. I showered, ran errands and returned home tired. I fell asleep while reading to my 4 year old during nap time. When I awoke groggy and disoriented I knew that if I didn’t get up and get the kitchen floor moped and bathroom cleaned I wouldn’t have another chance. I was so tired though, I couldn’t seem to rouse my body. I said a silent prayer “Please Heavenly Father, I really need energy and strength enough to get my work done, I am tired, I need help.” After about 5 minutes of quiet pondering (I fell back to sleep) I woke, and finished my chores.

The after school madness then began, snack, babies up, school papers to sign and homework to be looked after. At 4:00 I had to pick up my 8th grader from soccer practice, drop off the little kids at my moms and take the top two to get shots at the pediatrician’s office. I told my oldest (only half joking), “I would sell you right now for a piece of chocolate”. As I removed my toddler from her car seat I found a malt ball on the floor. It was one of the huge ones that I can buy in bulk at my grocery store - I really love those things. Not wanting to share I hid by the van door and popped it into my mouth, right there I had a moment of pure joy. The rest of the evening was crazy - dinner, chores, court of honor and young womens, but I managed and fell asleep.

This morning when I went running I turned on my ipod and listened to a talk from BYU Women’s Conference, called “Refreshing Our Spiritual Strength.” http://www.ldsvoices.com/index.php?cat=WomensConference In it Sister Leann Whitesides talks of spiritual rejuvenation. She gives an experience where she felt one of the Lords “tender mercies” and the thought came to her mind “See how much the Lord loves you?” She said that “the love is there, we just fail to recognize it” I loved that talk and felt the spirit so strong. I reflected on the tender mercies that I have recently experienced, and thanked Heavenly Father for the strength to finish the tasks that I needed to do, I then thought of the malt ball and the Sermon on the Mount.

“Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?” (Matthew 7:9-11)

Some may think of that piece of chocolate as merely coincidence, but I heard Pat Holland say that “coincidences are small miracles where God chooses to remain anonymous.” I picture in my head a loving father watching a frazzled mother and smiling with love, the malt ball was how he could show it. See how much the Lord loves me? I am grateful to my Father for that love and with the constant miracles he showers daily over me.

Two years ago, this month I weighed in at 205, and last year on this day I weighed 154. This morning I weigh 135. Each day I received help and strength and gentle promptings. When I was quiet and still and followed them the best I could I succeeded. Those were the tender mercies given to me at that time. I am grateful to a loving Father who gives “good gifts” who watches, guides, and protects. He is my strength, my light, my joy.

(I posted this morning, and on my way to preschool I panicked and thought - I just confessed I ate a malt ball off the floor of my van and liked it - oh dear what you must think of me...I am pretty sure it was clean if that redeems me a bit.)

"We Do Not Doubt Our Mothers Knew It"

Last night I was sitting at the kitchen table studying while my oldest was doing Algebra. We are into 4 days of school and he told me that so far he is getting all A’s. I looked up to see if he was joking. He was instead beaming with pride. He then said something I really want to remember, “I have learned so far to pray really hard, and Heavenly Father really helps, of course I have to work hard too, but I have been praying in school and I really see a difference.” My little eighth grader gets it. My heart is soaring.

“Every mother is a teacher. No formal degree is required, but your determination to instruct prayerfully and lovingly and according to God’s plan is prerequisite to your success – and theirs.” Virginia U. Jensen

I have been given many tests, some I aced, and others I bombed. The trick as a mother is now we are given tests in front of our children. Each trial we deal with writes a script in their head of how they will deal with their future trials. My obesity was a self imposed, very difficult trial. I struggled so hard and my children noticed. They saw me hide from cameras, and saw me rummage through my closet looking for something that would fit me. They heard me complain. I am sure they noticed. They saw me diet unsuccessfully; once I made a loud declaration that I was giving up chocolate for a month and my oldest laughed as I dug into the chocolate one week later. I laughed with him, but cringed at my example.

They saw everything change once I began to ask the Lord for help. I told my kids that I had received a priesthood blessing and that Heavenly Father was going to help me. They watched me get back from running tired, crampy and sweaty. They watched as my body changed. My second son kept saying, “Wow mom, you look different…in a good way.” I hope they know that I give all credit to my partnership with God. I hope that they know that through Him I can do hard things. I hope they try it out in their lives. When my oldest said that he was praying in algebra class, I couldn't help but wonder if he got some of that from me. I hope so, I fail as a mother in so many ways, my floor is sticky, my bathrooms get neglected, I am impatient, and my scrap booking skills are non-existent, but I am a woman of faith, and I hope that they can say that they were taught that if they “did not doubt, God would deliver them” (Alma 56:47)

Losing weight for me was not just a temporal journey, but a spiritual one. Motherhood consists of other temporal activities which teach spiritual lessons. These lessons are taught on the way to soccer as much or more as they are taught in Sunday school.

“Women have many choices and many obligations, but strengthening our family members remains the single most important thing we can do with our time.” Virginia U. Jensen

I Believe

I am not a nutritionist, I am not a personal trainer, I am a woman of faith. I believe in Christ. I believe in His love, I believe that through Him, all things are possible. I believe that I was given two gifts upon arriving on earth. One was a physical body, the other, the agency to choose. I believe that I do have a choice on how I care for my first gift, that of a physical body. I believe that it was and still is impossible on my own to do it right. I know that Jesus carries me through to my goal of making my physical body healthier, He teaches and prompts through the power of the Holy Ghost. I know that He hears me. I know He is my friend. I know that God is "no respecter of persons" I know that the same help that is available to me is available to everyone. Today, go for a walk, throw out your junk food, eat correct portions. Ask Him for strength, ask Him to teach you, expect miracles and then rejoice when they happen.

"It goes without saying that negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking, including negative thinking about ourselves. We see our own faults, we speak - or at least think- critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long, we and everybody around us are miserable." (Elder Holland)

"The spirit of the gospel is optimistic; it trusts in God and looks on the bright side of things. The opposite or pessimistic spirit drags men down and away from God, looks on the dark side, murmurs, complains, and is slow to yield obedience." We should
honor the Savior's declaration to "be of good cheer"...Speak hopefully. Speak encouragingly, including about yourself. Try not to complain and moan incessantly. As someone once said, "Even in the golden age of civilization someone undoubtedly grumbled that everything looked too yellow." -(Elder Orson F. Whitney as quoted by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland in April 2007 general conference)

Remembering Dory

Yesterday we went took our family to Victoria BC for labor day, we had a wonderful time, but the trip was long. Adding up our time spent together this summer travelling in the family van comes out to just over 60 hours. I am tired yet unbelievably grateful for portable DVD players.

Considering my commuting time this summer I hope you will understand just how much Finding Nemo I have listened to and forgive my analogy. I have been thinking a lot about Dory, and her short-term memory loss. I love her, I love how she and Marlin worked as a team. In their quest to find Nemo Dory tells a school of fish, "You see, he lost his son 'Fabio'.... and Marlin interrupts, 'Nemo' and she repeats "Nemo". They get through every task that way, She begins, he prompts. She is a fish with certain obvious weaknesses, but with Marlin helping her remember she became useful!

During my vacation I fought off the peanut M&M's in the van, the desserts at my MIL's and Burgers at McDonalds. On the last day of the next-to-last trip I was completely worn down and I forgot my resolve for healthy living. I was about to tuck into a dozen Tim Horton doughnuts when my husband happened to channel surf onto the Health and Fitness channel. It was a Boot Camp show, where women were working hard and changing their bodies. My Quest was remembered, I had no more desire for the maple bar, and I was ready to take the kids swimming.

I see myself as a silly blue fish swimming through life easily distracted by too many tasks, I procrastinate, or I simply forget to do the things I decided to do yesterday. My intentions and resolves are wonderful, but my ability to remember them leaves me at very inopportune times. This past Sunday I woke and started to read the Ensigns May conference issue. I turned to Elder Eyrings talk "This Day". I had read it before, had even marked the talk up with things I wanted to remember and yet as I read, I was overcome with a feeling that this talk was only vaguely familiar. He talked about why we procrastinate the things we have to do here in this life.

For most of us the temptation to delay will come from one or both of two feelings. They are polar opposites: one is to be complacent about what we have already done, and the other is to feel overwhelmed by the need to do more.

I know that in both my desire to get healthy physically and healthy spirituality I fail for those same two reasons Elder Eyring lists, complacency - "I ate healthy yesterday, one snickers won't hurt" "I don't have time to read today, I will tomorrow"- and the feeling of being overwhelmed - "I have too much weight to lose, I will never make it""I am so weak, why try?". Feelings like that make me forget what small steps I had previously decided to take in order to change. I now know why the Book Of Mormon prophets plead with us constantly to "remember" and why God had the Israelites collect only enough manna for one day. If we do not collect manna every day, we forget who placed it there, and who truly feeds us. I have said about wonderful spiritual experiences, "This is life changing" but really it was only day changing. I can not remember far enough back to change my life in one big swoop, my changes come from small reminders I find each day. Just like Marlin keeps reminding Dory, the Holy Ghost has blessed my life and helped me to remember the small steps I need to take. I pray for his guidance, I pray for him to help me remember. I then plead for him to speak loud enough for me to hear, and pray that I can be quiet enough to listen. I know that the Lord is the one who gives me strength. I know where the true source of change is. My physical change came because He taught me, I was led to books to learn from, and led by promptings that came quietly. I can like Ammon say:

"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things"

Dory tells Marlin that she remembers better when he is around him, and asks him to not leave her. Marlin does leave, that is where the likeness ends. I remember better when the Lord is with me, but when I ask him to stay he does.

"...yet will I not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands..."(Isaiah 49:15-16)

"My Soul Hungered"

Somehow I got a rash on my shins. It is nearly invisible to the eye, but not to the nerve endings that are constantly irritated. This morning at 4:00 I woke up to the sound of my scratching. I can scratch and scratch but once I stop scratching, the itch remains, the relief is gone.

I think a lot about emotions. The ups and downs rule and govern how I eat, if I sleep, If I sing and dance, or mope and cry.

When I started this blog I wanted to discuss something purely emotional, something I had no words for. It is a phenomena to me. Something that I do that must be put into words to understand. I think I might be getting close.

There are times that I have found myself looking at a half eaten bowl of ice cream and I know I am not hungry and yet I continue eating. The next bite is already in line waiting for its turn to be shoveled in. My mouth can be full, and I can have no more hunger but my hand waits obediently to put more food in. I think “I don’t even know why I am eating this” and yet I continue.

As a girl I remember watching my dad coming home after work, or meetings at the church, and almost bracing himself at the table. One arm steadying him, the other feeding him. There seemed to be a trance-like state that he went into as he satiated his hunger. He was a very hard working man. Sometimes after finishing his food he would take the thing he was eating and kind of throw it from him with a look of disgust. I have done the same thing. I have left a table full physically and yet I am still hungry.

When I invited the spirit to help me lose weight, things changed. I felt certain promptings. Once while I was getting some chocolate pudding, the thought came to my head, “will that pudding fix what hurts?” “Once it is gone will the problems be gone too?” “Exactly how much pudding will it take to solve this problem?”

I found a scripture that put those promptings to words: 2Ne 27:3 “. . .it shall be unto them, even as unto a hungry man which dreameth, and behold he eateth but he awaketh and his soul is empty; or like unto a thirsty man which dreameth, and behold he drinketh but he awaketh and behold he is faint, and his soul hath appetite;. . .”

I have learned that my over eating has been like the scratching of my rash. My rash itches, I scratch, and while I am scratching I find relief, but if I stop the itch is back. I am left with two obvious solutions: I can either continue to eternally scratch until the skin is red and bloody, or I can go get help, and find the reason for the itch and then fix the problem so I will have no more need to scratch. While I am eating, I am temporally lulled into comfort and I find some relief, but when I stop, the comfort stops as well. Comfort has to be found with something that truly feeds and fills the viod, not food, but peace. Trying to fix that which is broken spiritually with temporal things will not work.

I have learned that it is impossible to feed my soul with that which perisheth. Look up “hunger” in the topical guide, This is not a new problem. Enos solved his souls hunger through prayer. Alma teaches the poor to “feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst”(Alma 32:42) Jesus tells the Nephites “He that eateth this bread eateth of my body to his soul; and he that drinketh of this wine drinketh of my blood to his soul; and his soul shall never hunger nor thirst, but shall be filled” (3Nephi 20:8)

The solution comes through prayer and communication with our Father. Even more important than exercise and menu planning is the need to have your souls hunger satiated, which can only be done through Christ. No amount of chocolate pudding can take His place.

I have had miracles happen in my life. I found a wonderful therapist through LDS social services. I was led to someone who helped me find what I was trying to fix with food. As I let go some of the old patterns and learned to replace them with healthy ones I was able to finally satiate that hunger. The fix may be different for each one of us, but will be taylored to meet your needs through the quiet promptings of the Holy Ghost. I am so grateful for Christ in my life. I can say like Nephi “My God hath been my support he hath led me through mine afflictions. . .He hath filled me with his love . . . “(2 Nephi 4:20,21)

Small Steps

I wanted to be like Diana. She was a beautiful R.M.. She came into our fireside like sunshine. She had a big grin and her eyes were sparkly, and when she opened her worn scriptures it was apparent she knew her way through. When she bore her testimony, I could tell she meant what she said.

Looking at Diana that day I decided on a new destiny. She had direction, confidence, and sparkle, R.M.’s were amazing! I wanted to be like her. After much prayer, doubt, and worry, my decision was made. My papers sent in, the call came – Ogden Utah.

A little bit sensitive on the whole Utah thing, I packed my bags. I thought of the glory, and the person I was going to become. Even if I wasn’t going to get a parasite, I could still strengthen my testimony. Its Utah – piece of cake.

Shocking to many, Utah missionaries are not just subject to odd combinations of jello, but also to the normal rejection, despair, companion problems and disappointment that all missionaries experience. On one particularly hard night I thought about my naiveté in making my decision. In my rush to become an “R.M”, (returned missionary) I hadn’t calculated in all the work required in the “M.” I found that the “M” part included lots of tears, prayer and hard work. I learned quickly you don’t get the reward without the work. To be a R.M., you really have to do the whole mission thing. The knowledge of scriptures comes from Study; the testimony comes through trials and faith. This is how Heavenly Father works. You can’t get the prize without running the race.

Changing eating and excercising is work.

I have always admired runners. I jealousy watched them trot by me as I walked thinking that they looked so strong. I wanted to be a runner, but was not sure I wanted to run. This morning as I was breathing hard, panting, sweating, and running I thought: “When does this get enjoyable? When does the fun part start? I have been running now for 10 months. I still do not feel the payoff until 1:00. I guess I am a runner. I run. However If I could find a way to be one without running I would be happy - but it’s not going to happen.

My neighbor just ran the Boston marathon. I like to ask him for running advice. We live on a very steep hill that I walk up before I start my run. When I told him my route he asked why I didn’t run the hill. He told me how he did it. He started with a really fast walk and turned it into a very slow jog. He told me the different marks he used to get him up the hill. Getting ready for youth trek I decided to try running a small part of the hill.

I found that if I do not look at the top of the hill but at my feet the run gets easier (not easy, just easier). If I concentrate on taking small steps and not quitting I can go farther each time. I stare at my feet, and concentrate first on getting to the stop signs. Once there, I just think about getting to the first cul-de-sac, then the second one, then I concentrate on not losing my left lung before I get to the fire hydrant. With my remaining lung I figure out if I can make it to the light post and then I am almost at the top. Last week I made it to the fire hydrant.

Eating is similar. You don’t have to really worry about doing everything right all at once. Just complete one meal successfully. When trying to eat less I ask for help in my prayers then throughout the day I think something like this:

“I can go without seconds at breakfast. I am not two people. I have to hurry anyway. I will put an apple in my purse for 10:00. That is only 2 hours away. This apple should be fine. I just fasted, I can go 24 hours with out food, and surely I can wait until 12:00 to eat lunch.” Or I say, “20 more minutes, I can go and run an errand before I eat that.” “3 hours between snack and dinner. I go that long without food at church. I just have to make it 3 hours. No big deal.” Then, “I can make my one serving dinner last 20 minutes. I can do any thing for 20 minutes, surely just this once I can eat slowly. I don’t have to worry about every day, just today.” When I am done eating for the day I think. “My stomach is comfortable. Great! No need to panic, I will eat again, this is not Ethiopia. I can plan a yummy breakfast.” “ 3 hours till bed. I can do anything for 3 hours. I know I can, 3 hours is nothing. In fact why don’t I have a nice cup of peppermint tea?”

Then I go to sleep with a prayer of thanks that Heavenly Father helped me. Next I ask Father to help me have the desire and the ability to do it all over again tomorrow.

Think Bill Murray in What About Bob? “Baby steps to the elevator. Baby steps to the elevator” Nothing has to be done all at once. Just focus on this day. Tomorrow will take care of itself. You can make it - just take small steps.

“Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass. . .”(Alma 37:6)

I am a returned missionary. I did it. It was what I wanted. I am not Diana, but I am grateful for her example of what I could learn. I don’t know what being a runner is supposed to feel like, but I run, so I guess I made it. I can go most of my days eating healthy, so I guess I am now a healthy eater. Each day I continue to be those things by making small choices, and taking small steps. I only lost weight one or two pounds a week, but in the end it still made 70, and I reached my goal.

"Now when our hearts were depressed". . .

Being fat is depressing. I found a journal entry dated 11-11-02, it says:

Too fat, too tired, nothing fits.
My pants, like a tourniquet
Feel binding

Binding life, pregnancy,
Nine months, doctors scales
So tired, so fat.

Yet joy, in the end like a
Light in the
Tunnel

Can a fat girl find happiness
In the clutch of a tiny hand?

If nothing fits can a mother
Be successful when raising
Her children?
or am I a failure
Because of lack of will power?

Can joy be found as a size 16?
I think not
So sad.

I am not here to talk about fat peoples rights; I am not going to discuss self esteem at any size. I believe both are important but I want to discuss despair.

Do you remember in the Book Of Mormon where Ammon summarizes his mission? He is so joyful about what they had been part of that his brother Aaron is worried that he is becoming boastful. Ammon answers saying:

“Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land. . .”(Alma 26:12)

I have used a gospel based approach to losing weight. I believe that God cares about everything that matters to me. I also believe that I am weak, and that God can make me strong. King Benjamin tells us that “Ye cannot say that ye are even as much as the dust of the earth;” (Mosiah 2:25) As a young missionary I felt horrible that anyone would want me to believe that. What about positive affirmations? As my mission continued though, and I was continually humbled I learned that being the dust of the earth is a good position, and if we let the Lord use us, teach us and mold us He can help us be better than we had even planned. Even the great hills and mountains started as the dust of the earth. If we can realize that we are weak then we are in a position to be strengthened. I tried losing weight over and over again in my own strength and failed.

Even the most faithful instruments in the Lords hands become depressed, My mind is always brought to Joseph Smiths plea from Liberty jail “Oh God, where art thou?” (D&C 121:1) He goes on questioning the unfair situation he is in. If Joseph Smith despaired, why should we wonder at our own despair in our every day life? The reasons each of us gain weight are different, but each of us have our own.

In the river of life, I was definitely navigating the rapids. After the birth of my fifth baby, my wonderful husband who was so much to so many, became ill. We found that he was experiencing a serious medical depression. Depression, like diabetes must be acknowledged and treated. It can be a result of genetics or circumstances which can affect the chemistry in the brain. The effect is devastating on not only the sufferer but the family as well. I started a journal titled “A diary of pain: the life of depression and the toll it takes on his wife.” I felt alone in handling the large family we had amassed. I wanted to grab my husband by the shoulders and shout “Engage! Engage!” It was a very tough year.
One journal entry I wrote said:

“Its Sunday morning, 9:00 a.m. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. My foot hurts as a result of a broken bone. My kids are playing; my husband has gone to meetings. Somehow I need to convince five children to get into church clothes. The majority of who would rather do dishes than get dressed - they hate dishes.
Hardest of all I have to find something to fit on this odd-sized post-baby body. I have to style a mop of hair and try to hide impossibly dark circles under my eyes.
Somehow I have to convince myself that the payoff will be worth it. How? Sacrament will be a wrestling match full of dirty threatening looks at misbehaving kids. Sunday school full of guilt at what I haven’t read. Relief Society full of guilt over what I have not accomplished.
Oh what a hard day. I am trying to find solace the only way I know, chocolate and journaling.”

My eating had gotten out of control. I had become someone I didn’t want to be and felt powerless. Another journal entry:

“HELP! I am now finishing the candy bar from last night. I sent my family out and was hoping that I could get dinner made and my house clean. Instead I eat and write, write and eat. I feel a need for another parent, someone to help. Mel is still so sad. “

I have discovered that there is a spiritual component tied to weight loss. My weight gain was a result of despair and trials,

Ammon said: “Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: . . .bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success.”

He did. And that is why I say constantly: “Include the Lord on this journey” I truly have watched as the Lord has carried me. He heard my pleas. He taught me and instructed me, and led me to others that helped me. I am less than the dust of the earth, but my joy is great. God is amazing. My Husband is well, my home is happy, and I feel healthy. I have been able to find my mmmmmm and it is in the Lord. He lives, loves us and is a perfect father. Discouragement is normal and can make us strong as we turn it into humility and then to prayer.

“Yea, and my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my God; for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding;” (Alma 26:35)

With God nothing is impossible

One week after I "got real" I still weighed the same. I felt like a desperate crazy woman. I got on the scale and cried. I had started the way I thought I was supposed to start. I did some hard things, why didn’t I lose at least 2 pounds?

I didn’t want to be fat anymore, but I still really loved eating. I didn’t think I was eating so badly, why was I so fat? I ate fruits, veggies, whole grains, sometimes French fries, sometimes chips, but not too often, or not too much. I ate chocolate, but who doesn’t? Sometimes I ate ice cream, but not to a degree that it would kill me. Yea, pizza once in awhile, but not very often, and sometimes I took off the toping. As the old saying goes, “I was in denial, and it wasn’t a river in Egypt.

Alma tells his son Helaman:
“Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord. . . He goes on to say “counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good” (Alma 37:36-37)

This is where I had to modify Dr. Phil a bit and ask for some serious help. It really did matter to me. Heavenly Father cares about our bodies too, that’s why we have the word of wisdom. I am sure He wants us running as fast and as well as we can. I tearfully asked my husband for a blessing. I then had a long prayer. In the past I have prayed for the desire to do things. Do you remember Alma’s counsel to the poor Zoramites?

“But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if you can no more that desire to believe, let this desire work in you. . .” (Alma 32:27)

I had the desire to get fit, just not the ability to get there. I needed to have the desire work in me to change my way of thinking. I had to ask Heavenly Father to help me to want to do, and learn the things necessary for change, because on my own I was powerless. I needed to seek counsel from someone who wrote the owners manual for our bodies – God.

My plan was this, in the morning, I “counseled with the Lord” In my morning prayer I asked him for strength. For desire to exercise, for ability to eat right, and for knowledge on how I could change. During the day, snack time, lunch time, before and after dinner I asked him to show me when to quit, what to eat, and what I could do to change old habits. At night, in my prayer I would thank him and ask him to help me hear his counsel tommorow. I even asked him to help me to want to get up and excercise.

This truly was the beginning of my transformation. I know that Heavenly Father cares about me. He told the Nephite apostles:

”Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? Or, What shall we drink? Or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things”
But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.” (3 Nephi 13:31-33)

What do you think? Is it right to ask the lord for help in weight loss? Have you ever done it? Has it been successful?