Some people have asked me how I started my weight loss. My first few months in the blog archive explain it all.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

it's a stupid game

Remember when you were a kid and someone bigger than you would seize control of your hand and take the enslaved appendage to flail it repeatedly in your face? Do you remember the phrase barked jovially into your pummeled cranium?

"Stop hitting yourself!"

It is a stupid game inflicted by morons and leveled at the weaklings of this world.

Well, unless I do it.

To myself. (Metaphorically)

In my 20's I put on some weight and I figured out how to get 20 lbs of it off. I had 15 more lbs to go when my co-workers inspired by my weight loss suggested we join together and weigh in once a week.
What fun! A cash prize was extorted from the losers for the newly svelte smug winner. What camaraderie!

As their numbers went down mine started back up. I started gaining 2 pounds a week. Imprinted in my head still are the words, but Celinda, we are trying to LOSE weight..." I gained all 20 back.

I hate failing in front of others. I reasoned that, to protect myself from embarrassment I must show my co-workers that it no longer mattered to me. I was the first one to shout "not included" when any game of sport began. I would rather have slugs placed into my dryer than fail in public. Weight watchers would blow me up into a marshmallow placed in a microwave.

I LOVE biggest loser, but if Jillian was all up in my face like that, I would sit down and start shoving fries into my face. I would be the "backwards Ghandi and stage food orgy strikes (which by the way appeal to me way more than hunger strikes.)

So if you too see in your mirror a non-conforming rebel like me....and, if any completion or team sport weight loss sends you to the cookies stored in the kids Sunday bag, this is what works...


For me this meant I had a secret diet. Only my husband knew, and it was NOT a competition!! I did not let anyone know at first that I was attempting to lose weight. see I didn't want them to know I was fat (lol).

Everyone gets fat for different reasons, but the act of eating too much and exercising too little is self inflicted. Seize control of your hijacked hand! It just placed chubby hubby in your cart!

If it gives you peace to know that I don't give a Yankee doodle weather you change or not, you just may be a kindred spirit. It matters not to me the choices you make. I am not the enemy, the enemy is YOU! So don't eat that doughnut to prove anything to me, flush it down the toilet to prove something to yourself.

Now imagine you and that crazy relative punching you with your own hand. See yourself grow strong and muscular - "break the wrist and walk away" -( a quote from Napoleons rex quando class)

"Oh be wise..."


Carrot Jello said...

Here I am to save the daaaay!
Here's a comment.
Now I've got to go smash someones toilet.
Be back later.

Marci said...

Thanks for your inspiring words. Its' just what I needed to here.

Heidi said...

Cel, I just love you. Even in the face of all that's frustrating you, you can still find the humor in life.
Carrot just left my house and I must say, I LOVE it when she comes over. Not only does she just brighten my day, she helps me clean! And gives me the metaphoric shot in the arm, and tells me to stop hitting myself verbally, and reminds me that I am a capable daughter of God. So are you.
You can use this time to remind your children that, after all, you gave them life so they are your slaves! :)
To quote "crazy eyes" guy in Waterboy, "You can do it!"

Heidi said...

oh! I almost forgot! Carrot and I reminisced (sp?) today and I remembered that you two girls used to tease me mercilessly, "hitting" me in the face all the time! :)
Not literally hit, but you know how gullible I was back then.
Remember how you used to terrify me to even walk past that cemetery down the road? You'd make up all kinds of scary stories, about spirits coming out and doing mean things to the kids who went nearby the cememtery entrance. I used to be afraid when my dad would drive around that bend to your house. I thought the ghosts would haunt me all the way home. :)
Glad to see that I'm not gullable anymore. Or am I???

A Mother Heart said...

Thank you for this. I just wish I had read this BEFORE I really ate that donut(s). I survived yesterday's birthday with no problem, but today's birthday did me in. (It's a little cruel to have 2 family birthdays back to back...) Or maybe we just need to have a better tradition than donuts on your birthday...

I love your posts! Keep 'em coming!

Yvonne said...

I didn't know you were back--I'M SO HAPPY.

Sorry that you're bedridden--hope it's not for much longer.

i'm trying to get back on the bandwagon. Need to do something.

Tarnation said...

My brother used to "play" stop hitting yourself with me all the time. Have you ever played got you last? It's on the same level.

mindyluwho said...

The frustrating thing about those team things is that when you begin to fall behind, you can't catch up and so discouragement sets in.

My daughters and I have started getting healthy together. Not in a competition way, but just to be able to encourage each other and enjoy being together. It's so fun to be doing it with them, but we have to start really early (like 5 am!). So yesterday when it was time to get up I had the hardest time, but then I mentally pictured myself as I see myself, healthy and wearing my favorite jeans, and so I got out of bed, and after our brisk walk and giggling out in the fog at 5:15 am, life was good!

And... for the past two days I have passed up seconds. Even yesterday when my husband made our favorite pasta dish and it was staring at me, taunting me. Instead I had seconds of the fruit salad!

Be well and keep blogging!

MJJ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kristi said...

My daughter likes me to just wave her arms around at random, especially if I make her tickle herself.

Jillian is annoying, but here's an interesting little tidbit about her. She "saves" 200 calories every day so she can have Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. So I have a real hard time with her getting after the contestants. (Is that what we call them?)

Still wondering why gaining weight is SO much more fun than losing it. I do like being smaller now, but still...

And Carrot, are you having a toilet smashing without inviting us? Did you take pictures?

Jennifer B. said...

Hmmm, a secret diet. I like it! I'm going to stop hitting myself and start hitting other people. (We got a Wii for Christmas and I'm hoping to box and swordfight myself healthy.)

Sorry you're down for another week. Ever play Settlers online? I'm game if you are.

ucmama said...

Hello Carrot's sister! She said to come visit and I always do what Carrot says.

I'm working on losing weight too. 4 kids in 6 years does NOT do a body good.

Heffalump said...

I thought you were gone, never to return!
How lovely to see you out and about in the blogosphere!

Carrot Jello said...

No Kristi, sadly, I forgot to take pictures of the toilet smashing.
It was funny though.

Coordination Queen said...

As I sit here with a spoon and the container of... well at least this time around it is sorbet, trying to convince myself to wake up my husband so we can do p90x. I'm just soooo sore and it's only day 3. 87 to go. I did however resist all the hershey kisses today. Hope that infection clears up soon. (That sounds like something a middle school boy would sign in someone's yearbook.) :)

Cherisse said...

I must say you can turn a phrase rather delightfully! I have found your advice to be very practical too. Baby steps is a great reminder!
BTW Carrot Jello suggested you and I think you are lucky to have such a great sister!

Millie said...

Celinda, YOU ROCK!!!

Get better soon!

glittersmama said...

Being stuck in the bed sucks. Been there, done that. It's nice that you get to be at home and not in a stinky hospital. (thinking Pollyanna thoughts...)

I hope time passes quickly for you.

Calamity Jane said...

This is me.

" de doooo, guess I will check my email, after all I did sound pathetic...."

"Doink! ....What the....could it be? Have I achieved carrot status???"

And then I found out what my much tattooed sister did...she pointed her fans here and disabled her comments!

When I was young I had a fear that I was retarted(that is what we called it back then) and everyone was being nice to me because my parents and family made everyone be nice to me, I questioned their sincerity...some siblings confirmed that indeed I was correct.

Well, through this trial I have found that being the object of some service project can feel pretty darn good. Thanks for your kindness to the developmentally delayed MUCH older sister!

The Littles said...

you should write a book! really, you should.

Elizabeth said...

I'm a little late, so sorry if your phone wakes you up when I comment. We must be kindred spirits, because last night I had a really, really strong urge to stop and pick up a dozen donuts on the way home. I even drove into the donut store parking lot... but then I just turned around and drove home. In the future I will just keep telling myself to "break the wrist and walk away".

Crissie said...

I love getting good directions. Especially when you get to where you're going & you find something good. So glad Carrot directed me here. I'll be stopping by to visit now that I know what I've been missing.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.

Kristi said...

Sure Carrot sent me over here, but I remember you from back in the days of the singles ward. You have that wonderful personality that people flock to...not all of us are so lucky! So we gather around you to leach just a tiny little bit of it from you! (At least, that's what I do!) :)

And I'll probably continue to blog-stalk you, just so you know!

Lisa said...

Hi to the sister of carrot! I would love to follow your blog, need to loose many lbs and looking for inspiration. good to find you!

Nathan said...

Carrot Jello sent me. I'm sorry you're bedridden.

She is a riot, and it looks like funniness is a family trait.

I think all you people should go on tour, or write a book or at least hire out to family reunions or kid's birthday parties.

Heidi said...

gotta comment on Nathan. we DO tours! :) well, the occassional family party where we get the hysterics and giggle until we drool. NO, seriously. At least I drool. Stop laughing at me. I know you're thinking I'm a dork,and I'm hurt.
But hey, smashing toilets is VERY fun. You should try it sometime. You can get all your frustrations out and clean up your house and yard at the same time!
Thanks, Carrot for the help and inspiration.
Thanks Calamity for having your blog up again so we can blog stalk you once again. You rock!

As Told By Molly said...

Carrot sent me over, but I'll come back on my own. You are funny, girl! It must run in the family.
I've been on bed rest before and needed all the extra cheer I could get. Plus I am constantly battling my weight and I like your perspective on things like flushing stuff down the toilet.

Jennifer B. said...

I was just checking for a new post. Hope your family lavishes you with attention over the weekend.

Also, some questions. When you want to treat yourself, what do you do? Are there different foods that are treats to you now? What are your favorites? Have you substituted other things for food? Are the answers in your archives? Am I asking too many questions? Should I stop now?

That's all.

For now.

Amy said...

I never took you off my list of favorite blogs. Glad to see you're back at it.

Selfishly, I hope you stick around for awhile.

Calamity Jane said...

Jennifer I definately treat myself very well. I have had to reframe what a treat is. I avoid intense food lust by trying to stay full with nuts and cranberries, power bars, good drinks, air popped popcorn in my purse. Hunger makes me loosen all my standards and keeping him at bay makes me enjoy treats in moderation. Example: before I would say "I'm so hungry I could eat this whole pie and after...I'm so full, I could only eat a slice..." that's just one example. I think I put it all under "evasive manuvers of my dieting"

Good Luck!

Everybody: you all can't imagine what good medicine your comments have been to me. I remember what fun blogging was, and I promise to keep it up when I rise again. Thankyou! And don't stop commenting ... phuleeze.

Anonymous said...

What a weekend I have had. I discovered Robierto, Carrot and now YOU (just in time too)!!!
I am in the last phase of my "lifestyle" change. January 7th of last year I weighed a lot and wore up to size 26 - cut out sugar, most carbs, got a trainer and now I weigh 149lbs less and wear a size 8. My brain keeps telling me though that I could lose more in the thighs and hey why not a size 6?
I think it is hard to know when to quit eating and losing and talking and reading and you get the idea. It is scary to think about not keeping it off.
I could totally relate to what you said about having to admit you were fat. I actually took 2nd in a contest with 505 contestants from 38 gyms and have great before and after pictures. I have a post all written but have put off publishing it. Because, well you know I would have to admit I was fat and remind people that I was fat - like they don't already know:) I totally get where you were coming from.
You gave me my answer about finding divine help. Don't know why I didn't look there before. That Nephi is a wise guy:)
Sooooo looking forward to reading more of your blog and diving into the archives.
Pleased to meet you!!!

metroparks said...

Didn't mean to comment under annonymous above. If fact, I would rather not be annonymous even with all the typos and run-ons I just published. Looking forward to our next visit.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your great blog! Loved your insight about how if you want to be the size of one person, to eat one person's portion of food... I found your blog while doing a search of the title of my latest book which is--incredibly--"A Waist is a Terrible Thing to Mind." My name is Karen Linamen and I write humor and self-help for Christian women. I'd love to get you a review copy of "A Waist is a Terrible Thing to Mind" if you'd like one! You can contact me via my website or blog at or Take care, and kudos to you for what you are doing for your health and the encouragement you're providing to the women who read your blog! --Karen Linamen :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. I've been needing some inspiration! myself.