I had a dream the other night that a girl in my ward came up to me and said "you think you are so great, but you still could lose 10 more pounds - why have you stopped? What is wrong with you?"
A few years ago I went to pick up my mothers dry cleaning. The owner of the shop knew and loved my mother. Her praises were eloquent: "Oh your mother is so beautiful so fun, she dresses so well, she looks so young and classy!" After a short pause she added as an after thought... "you look like your dad I think" That was it.
There is an invisible crowd of imaginary people that I sometimes feel are watching me - judging me - giving me an impossible line I cannot reach. Those imaginary people I try to please and when I fall short I say WHO CARES! and then to prove to them that I DON'T CARE I shove as much food in my mouth as possible, basking in my independence laughing because "I WILL SHOW THEM!" Somehow I have imagined a battle and in my imagined fight have hurt myself. Those people I feel are watching me and judging me probably feel the same way about me.
The very phrase "WHO CARES! that gives me permission to eat until sick assumes the answer is that no one cares how fat I get or how miserable I am and if they do care they aren't going to help anyway. I mistakenly assume I should find comfort any way I can and eating is a quick easy fix.
That is why I love dieting with prayer. In the morning when I pray, I ask for help to overcome the temptation to solve problems with food. I am taught that that HE CARES. When I remember that I get on my knees and he shows me comfort, help, love and direction.
1 Nephi 21:14-16: "But, behold, Zion hath said: The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me—but he will show that he hath not.
15 For can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee, O house of Israel.
16 Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands;"
6 comments:
I always hide from people in my dreams, worried as you are about their judgement of me.
Many years ago I dreamed that I was going to meet President Hinckley, and the thing that stuck with me was that I was excited! Not once did I worry that he would judge me, or look upon me with anything but love and acceptance.
I woke up with the realization that my Savior (for whom President Hinckley was the earthly mouthpiece and witness of) loved me and accepted me as I was right now.
The challenge is to remember.
I love how you "diet with prayer". I learned to do that from you. One of the first times I tried it I prayed that I would make good choices in my eating that day. Then a temptation came along and this little thought appeared reminding me to make a good choice. I actually got mad at myself for saying that prayer because I really wanted to eat the little goodie! But I didn't give in.
Great thought. Great attitude. "That's how we do it, baby."
And I really love your story!
I found this quote by Heber C Kimball.
I know that God lives and dwells in the heavens; for I have asked Him scores of times, and hundreds of times, for things, and have received them. Is not that a pretty good proof that He hears me, when I ask Him for things and get them; and is not that a proof that He lives, and dwells in the heavens? I think it is. I suppose He dwells there, He could not dwell anywhere else, but in what particular portion He dwells, I do not precisely know, though He is not so far off as many imagine. He is nearby, His angels are our associates, they are with us and round about us, and watch over us, and take care of us, and lead us, and guide us, and administer to our wants in their ministry and in their holy calling unto which they are appointed. We are told in the Bible that angels are ministering spirits to minister to those who shall become heirs of salvation.
(The next paragraph doesn't have much to do with your blog, but it's great)
Bless my soul, look at the unbelieving world, that is a great many of them, they now believe in spiritual knockings, spiritual communications, and spiritual rappings, and they will ask the same spirit for this, and for that; to know this, that, and the other; and, "Won't you cause that table to kick up its legs, and that chair to dance, and cause a knocking here, and a knocking there?" They believe all this, still they do not believe that God can communicate. And at the same time those that they communicate with are corrupt spirits, and they might know it, and still they say they can speak from the heavens, and communicate this, that, and the other, and tell them where their friends are. If wicked spirits can do this, I want to know, on the same principle, if the righteous have not power to communicate to the children of men? And has not God power to do it? He has.
[p. 223a]
The whole world is now enthusiastic in these things.
I never heard a knocking, or saw a table dance, only as I kicked it myself. I do not want them knocking and dancing around me.
Thank you for this.
I just love your blog! I am a seminary teacher and today's lesson reminded me of this entry of your's. We were talking about when the disciples couldn't heal a boy who had an evil spirit and after the Savior did heal him the disciples came up to him privately and (my own words) said "we don't get it, why couldn't we heal him?" Jesus tells them that this kind of healing takes prayer and fasting. It reminded me that when I was taking better care of myself I was trying to fast once a week - it really did make a huge difference in my being able to focus on the right things.
The other part of our lesson today focused on faith. I used a great talk by Sheri Dew - "This is a Test, It is Only A Test" - I remember when she gave this talk but had forgotten all the wonderful things in it - I highly recommend checking it out if you're looking for a healthy feast. Anyways she quotes the all wise Mufasa from Lion King (this is the part that reminded me of your post...)“You have forgotten who you are because you have forgotten me.”
Wow - isn't that powerful and good?
One other thing I came across in a blog that I think you'll really like (sorry this is getting long) anyways at this blog the author shares notes from a talk that was recently given at an AMCAP conference. The speaker talks about why he thinks the Savior had the people feel his wounds in his hands - it's very interesting. If you want to check it out here's the address for the blog...
http://jacksonparkcity.blogspot.com/2008/10/anatomy-of-our-troubles.html
(I don't knwo how to make that small - sorry)
Sorry this got so long- I just really enjoy hearing your ideas, and your testimony has helped me to reignite my desire to be healthier - in many areas of my life.
Oh I almost forgot one more quote that was another lightbulb for me it's from James E. Talmage
“Fasting, when practiced in prudence, and genuine prayer are conducive to the development of faith with its accompanying power for good. Individual application of this principle may be made with profit. Have you some besetting weakness, some sinful indulgence that you have vainly tried to overcome? Like the malignant demon that Christ rebuked in the boy, your sin may be of a kind that goeth out only through prayer and fasting” (Jesus the Christ, 3rd ed. [1916], 395)."
Okay - I'm really ending this long comment - keep up the good work and I will try to do the same!
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