A waist is a terrible thing to mind

inspiration!

2010-01-27T15:49:00.000-08:00

Here is inspiration

www,carrotjello.blogspot.com

I have a sis we call carrot jello. She is a riot and an anchor in so many peoples lives. (A funny anchor woman -the world needs more of those).

She comes to my house all dressed up now, wearing perfume and curls in her hair. She is sporting a new attitude, and I see a confidence in her eyes. She is going to beat our families predisposition to put food first, and it will be inspiring for everyone! She has now decided to join weight watchers and make some changes. She is sooo funny and is going to blog her progress on a blog called tossing my cookies.

Weight loss blogging is like reality tv. It is way more fun to watch in real time. Carrot is reality tv at its finest. I'm just sad old reruns! Join me in cheering her on.

Aim for the grass baby!

2010-01-19T21:21:00.000-08:00

Carrot came over and let me know I am going crazy in the spelling dept.

Ironically I represented my 4th grade class in the all school spelling bee. I was once that good. I went down on receive.

Blogging on my little g1 phone is like driving a pinto amongst Mercedes. The screen is so little I can't spell check with out much grief. This is strangely theraputic.

For perfectionists like me there can be truly "too much of a good thing." Making mistakes in public is good therapy, it helps my overactive worrying self understand that the world will not end if I am not perfect.

More than a few perfectionists I know just wont set new goals because perfection is so hard to obtain. Perfection is a ball and chain tied to your leg while you teeter over water on a bridge which you are clinging onto with one finger.

Be mediocre and see what happens,

Medium to some is a healthy goal.

This applies to me in my weight loss.

An example. At my heaviest, I made several attempts to lose weight by setting my goal impossibly high.

One time I stated that "I will not eat sugar or chocolate for a year" I said that out loud to my family and friends. Just like you read you should in a magazine.

In the car 2 hours later my son offered me a bag of Dove chocolates. In my sugar lust, I forgot and ate one. I was teased about the broken resolution and then I surrendered.

No, I did not happily "pick myself up, brush myself off and start all over again" I grabbed the bag, claimed it was a stupid goal and that I didn't care and ate every single chocolate by myself! Ha I showed them I didn't care!" (whoever I was showing I am sure was unimpressed.)

"Shoot for the moon and get the stars" implies that you are the kind of person that sets impossibly high goals and then merrily basks in failure realizing that you although a loser, are so much better off than before.

If I shoot to lose 100 lbs in 6 months time and lose only 2 lbs the first week, I give up, resign in abject failure and go eat a polish sausage.

Pick realistic goals and be happy.

ONE DAY AT A TIME Baby!

Don't

"shoot for the moon..."

Instead:

"Aim for the grass, and at the end of the day you will be out of the dirt."

And tomorrow will take care of itself....

things I know...

2010-01-18T20:48:00.000-08:00

I have a crazy memory. It's a bit like rainman...10% as good, but just as annoying, really random and to some a wee bit scary.

I have quotes and poetry sitting in my head from the 70s on up. I can quote sing the entire Tab commercial for you. I can quote an obscure commericial for a cereal called Raisins Rice and Rye. "B'gosh B'gum B'golly..."

When I was 14 I went to a youth conference and learned a poem;

"THERE IS NO CHANCE
NO FATE, NO DESTINY,
THAT CAN CIRCUMVENT OR HINDER OR CONTROL
THE FIRM RESOLVE
OF A DETERMINED SOUL"

While it plays well to a crowd of teenagers, I now know It is only partly true. Fate happens, sometimes the chance card I draw sends me to jail and doesn't let me pass go or collect $200 no matter how determined I am.

I do know that determination paired with patience, cleverness and introspecton can get me through everything..

Thanks to life experience I KNOW having a hysterectomy sucks. It has taken so much away from me this past month. I have all the determination in the world, but my body resigned on me and took a holiday to "heal"(said dripping in angry sarcasm).

I know that this means I will read more and watch record levels of TV. My favorite companion to these activities is eating
Lots of food
All kinds of food

My clever soul has decided to combat this with embroidery, drawing, texting carrot until I can't control my bladder, and posting from my little phone. Empty hands are Ben and Jerry's workshop. So far, so good, my weight has stayed the same.

My cousin discovered she has sleep apena.

She found out the fix...got the machine and she said to me she has lost 50 pounds and doesn't need any naps! She has more energy and she said "the weight falls off"

So what I know is that as we get older there are reasons we gain weight that go beyond not eating healthy and not exercising.

If you have bad knees, then of course you don't want to run. Use your cleverness and pair it with determination and see a doctor, get your knees help with good shoes, or go to a pool.

If you can't eat healthy because of money and or time get your clever determined mind to learn how to fix that problem

If you just don't have time, or don't care if you are unhealthy any more...figure out why.

This Sunday was stake conference and the visiting speaker said we should go to the temple with a question. I thought, "I don't really wonder anything, I am too busy to wonder...."

The answer came like a ton of bricks.

"It you don't have any questions, then you aren't taking time to think, ponder and pray."

"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates

I know that's right...

Battelfield

2010-01-16T13:58:00.000-08:00

The voice in my head is super dramatic and written words are so limp and passive. Text lays down and waits to be picked up by your eyes, transfered into your brain where you must imagine the sound I intended to convey.

I think that is why emoticons became so popular, and why lol, and rofl were invented to convey a wink, and a smile.

This is why I sometimes spell please "Puhleeze". It means "I'm begging". The voice in my head dictates to my thumbs (I'm posting this blog from my phone) drama and with great difficulty these opposable appendages try to convey the deep emotion they hear

For the past few days my brain and thumbs have been trying to collaborate just how to translate the whiny, pitiful, baleful scream that I desire to share. The only solution they could come up was a bit more cerebral. Here goes:

Imagine a 40ish lady, sitting in a red chair, body straight, but leaning forward about 45 degrees. Her neck leans backwards and head faces the sky, her lips are stained brown, and her breath is too sweet and unnaturally minty. There is an opened empty box of Harry and David peppermint truffles on the floor to the right. Their white and red empty wrappers lay around her lap and chair scattered like shrapnel in downtown Baghdad. There has been a war, and she is beaten.

Her arms hang neandrathal-like on either side of the armrests and look elongated and noodle-like in their helpless surrender. A noise which arises to pierce the air is unintelligible. At first the words are too high and streched out too far for an ear to know where one word ends and the next begins...it sounds like this...

"WhhhhhyyyyyydooooeeessssfoooooooooodddddtaaaaassssstttttttteeeeeeSOOOOOGOOOOOOOOD????"

A question that haunts me in my sleep. It seperates me from the "healthy and lovin it" crowd. It makes me sing "food is a battlefield..." and while that music plays in my head (the synthesizers steady beat acommpanies my thumbs on this phone) my mind plays a montage of me running hand in hand with a peanut butter cup, sliding down a slide with a box of malt balls and being pushed on a swing by a chocolate easter bunny (with one ear lightly nibbled)

I am the girl who had "forget love I'd rather fall into chocolate" stickers on her PeeChee in high school.

This has been a difficult break up for me, and during this time of confinement me and naughty food had a few dangerous liasons.

I am left feeling flabby and guilty. A quote starts up a powerpoint presentation in my mind each word following the other in pathetic succession.
"of all sad words
of tounge and pen
These are the saddest
'It might have been". (For the life of me I can't remember who said it and it is a big pain to reference it with my thumbs)

The point is, I lost a battle - yes I admit it's me. I have a red (burgundy, not hooker red in case you are painting a picture in your head) chair in my bedroom and the truffles were given to me by a little boy I babysit.

I must shove off the despair from my thickening thighs. I must remember that the war isn't over until my pale stiff THIN corpse is shoveled underground. I am still boss and like a phoenix I will rise again. I can start tomorrow new and perfect.

If I give up now and surrender to my basic instinct to be swaddled in excess foods' loving, fun and comfortable embrace I will be awful sad and I will have to buy new clothes, and this blog becomes a LIE, strangers will point and mock, and my children will live as orphans because I perished early from an unhealthy lifestye...etc. (I am getting carried away by emotion, but what a ride...)

So instead I quote Nephi...

"Yea why should I give way to temptations...
Awake my soul...Do not slaken my strength because of mine afflictions..
O Lord wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?
O Lord...I will trust in thee forever...I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me if I ask not amiss." (Exerpts from the psalm of Nephi, 2Nephi 4)

it's a stupid game

2010-01-12T14:23:00.000-08:00

Remember when you were a kid and someone bigger than you would seize control of your hand and take the enslaved appendage to flail it repeatedly in your face? Do you remember the phrase barked jovially into your pummeled cranium?

"Stop hitting yourself!"

It is a stupid game inflicted by morons and leveled at the weaklings of this world.

Well, unless I do it.

To myself. (Metaphorically)

In my 20's I put on some weight and I figured out how to get 20 lbs of it off. I had 15 more lbs to go when my co-workers inspired by my weight loss suggested we join together and weigh in once a week.
What fun! A cash prize was extorted from the losers for the newly svelte smug winner. What camaraderie!

As their numbers went down mine started back up. I started gaining 2 pounds a week. Imprinted in my head still are the words, but Celinda, we are trying to LOSE weight..." I gained all 20 back.

I hate failing in front of others. I reasoned that, to protect myself from embarrassment I must show my co-workers that it no longer mattered to me. I was the first one to shout "not included" when any game of sport began. I would rather have slugs placed into my dryer than fail in public. Weight watchers would blow me up into a marshmallow placed in a microwave.

I LOVE biggest loser, but if Jillian was all up in my face like that, I would sit down and start shoving fries into my face. I would be the "backwards Ghandi and stage food orgy strikes (which by the way appeal to me way more than hunger strikes.)

So if you too see in your mirror a non-conforming rebel like me....and, if any completion or team sport weight loss sends you to the cookies stored in the kids Sunday bag, this is what works...

STOP HITTING YOURSELF!

For me this meant I had a secret diet. Only my husband knew, and it was NOT a competition!! I did not let anyone know at first that I was attempting to lose weight. see I didn't want them to know I was fat (lol).

Everyone gets fat for different reasons, but the act of eating too much and exercising too little is self inflicted. Seize control of your hijacked hand! It just placed chubby hubby in your cart!

If it gives you peace to know that I don't give a Yankee doodle weather you change or not, you just may be a kindred spirit. It matters not to me the choices you make. I am not the enemy, the enemy is YOU! So don't eat that doughnut to prove anything to me, flush it down the toilet to prove something to yourself.

Now imagine you and that crazy relative punching you with your own hand. See yourself grow strong and muscular - "break the wrist and walk away" -( a quote from Napoleons rex quando class)

"Oh be wise..."

seconds...oh pulheze...

2010-01-08T06:55:00.000-08:00

Dear friends

It is a simple and unavoidable truth

If one does not desire to be the size of 2 or 3 people, one must only eat one persons food.

I have said it before, and I still believe it.

Tarnation! (One word a loss of daily Bugs Bunny has robbed me of, and one I desire to resurrect).

The difficulty lies in the application.

The only thing I can suggest is to sabotage the natural man. I was reminded of this when the pepper shaker fell onto a cake. I of course attempted to eat the area under the flakes, but was thwarted by the realization of the desperate measures "fat celinda" is willing to sink to in order to re appear in all her double chin, jelly belly glory.

We must realize that this is war...our inner fatties like their comforts and desire complete satisfaction. There is a skinny you is smarter and a lean mean fighting machine, we just have to help her out.

Bugs bunny always defeated elmer fudd with a wink and a smile. Channel your inner Bugs! He was skinny, he only ate carrots for heaven sake!

Say no to seconds today. You already know what it tasted like. Get up from the table when you empty your plate the first time! Clear and put things away ASAP. Leave no food on the counter for asthetic reasons, (unless it's lemons). A cookie jar is cute but get over yourself. The days of cute are over!!

Helllloooo Gorgeous!

2010-01-04T07:33:00.000-08:00

Dear ladies, (and gents?)

What if you are having a bad day?

what if you wake up to a dirty house, angry spouse, grumpy kids, moms' flipping their lids??? (it didn't start as a poem, but I was on a roll)

God gave us a gift called music and dance.

He also gave us chocolate and marshmellow santas that were hid in the closet that you santa "forgot".

How to pick. One is as easy as the other,and both can be equally effective in perking up a mood, they both can change a tantrum into a picnic.

One however gives my jeans a Hangover (and I mean muffin tops) So, today I pick music, and today I pick the Bee Gees, wont you join me?

And while you dance, lets dance the leftover candy to the toilet.

I know by noon I am perfectly willing to grab goodies out of the garbage - we are not those people who hate sugar and cringe at the idea of eating things unhealthy. We know flushing is the only way.

thank you

2010-01-02T15:09:00.000-08:00

Thank you every body for the welcome back comments, and thank you dear husband for my cool g1 phone which let's me post from my recliner!! One comment asked if a hyst is similar to a csection. I looked up my favorite hyst blog and. found that they are not: highlights: "peeling the bladder off the uterus...re routing, cutting nerves and blood vessels etc..." this oddly enough gave me comfort...I was really feeling like a healing loser.

I Compared myself to friends and the iron mamas in my ward that are throwing babies around, running and prancing around in swimwear after 2 weeks of having a baby cut out. My sister bragged that she was back to church in a week, I am horribly competitive and was sure that even though the dr said 4-6 weeks I wanted to be the bionic woman too, so I dressed on my first Sunday excitedly anticipating the christmas program. And, met with abject failure and tears.

One of the points of my blog has always been that God hears and answers prayers. If losing weight means lots to you then it means lots to Him. He cares and provides. I have so many examples of miracles but will just share 2. My husband moved the furniture in a crazy way that messed with my head. I asked for a change, but my dh was so tired and overwhelmed that I quickly retracted my request. On the Monday after christmas my sister came to help clean the mess in my house. When she finished she came to my room and said that she moved my furniture in my family room and hoped I didn't mind. It was just how I wanted it...tender mercy, I know it was a gift from God because Michelle said simply that she had a prayer before she came over.

Yesterday we invited my entire family over to celebrate including my aunt and uncle and cousins who live an hour away. My uncle has terminal cancer and this is probably one of the last times we will get together. Hosting is what the spirit prompted me to do, but I had no ability to clean and "mommy clean" is different than my families standard. They have taken on so much everyone is worn out. I knelt down and described my plight and got up feeling washed with peace. I went out of my room thinking that Heavenly Father was going to grant me the strength to just not care and celebrate in the mess. No sir, my dear neighbor Tammy Summers and her son came unbidden and with their help, my nieces Brynn and Cherstin and my own family my house was more beautiful than I could have dreamed! Tender mercies pop out as friends.

I am getting better every day! I once was a modest mother who refused to let my kids say the word "poop". Life today has morphed me into a lady with pooping envy. I pooped today without aid or pain, I called my husband to share the news. Before this experience I did all I could to make him believe that I didn't engage in any such activity, but you try a week without the afore mentioned activity and you too will revel in the act of bowel movements. I have a new love and reverence for fiber and water... dairy bad, prunes good...But the same reverence and knowledge that God even cares about the little things.

Welcome to my 40's!!!

serinity

2010-01-02T11:17:00.000-08:00

My insatiable desire to redecorate balanced with a stay at home motherhood budget leads me to thrift stores where mixed in with old prints and frames I find serenity prayers, zillions of which I can only sadly assume previous owners fell off the wagon. They are modge podged onto dark wood with a beer tab hot glued onto the back for the fastner. Some have pictures of seagulls and others have lighthouses affixed. All start out with the plea that God grants them acceptance.

Apply that into my practical life: I need to accept that I (in my best popeye voice) "yam what's I yam" which includes a lady that chocolate macadamia nut clusters from costco are my version of crack. I made mistakes yesterday last week and all of the years preceeding. I did the best I could with the circumstances, knowledge and resources that were at my disposal. I don't Love to run, I bounce where I don't want to feel bouncing, I sweat, I hurt and I do not nor am ever planning to experience a runners high. Running is not as fun as eating. Watching a movie is more fun than walking up a hill.

Accepting gets you ready to move on and make changes. It says "I was what I was" and I did the best I could at the time with the information and strength I had. It takes into account that you always change and learn and that we always grow. Not accepting your past brings anger, self pity, and continued fattness. Acepting brings peace, and the ability to change.

and a happy new year

2009-12-31T13:41:00.001-08:00

I realize that there are many resolutions being made and the majority involve losing weight and so I just thought I would put in a bit of advice
Baby steps
Resolve tonight that during the first week of new years you will increase exercise 50% and not drink anything with calories for 7 days. Then in one week you can proudly and truthfully state that your resoluition was complete and that you are a goal finisher not a resolution breaker...
It is the ADD approach to New Years resolutions, it works, and it is delightful to succeed at something once a week! Just check back in and we can work on next week, next week: "Sufficient for the day is the evil therein" - (and I have no idea who said it.)

Calamity update: is anyone in shock that I am posting? 2 weeks ago I had a hysterectomy and I have been in bed. This is the start of week 3 and I am going stir crazy. However each time I get up to do something productive I am hindered by this stupid recovery time. I am starting to realize that major surgery means pain, bed, and, "oh what the heck why not blog from my cool new phone?"

I don't know if anyone will find me, but here I am - and unfortunately I'm not going anywhere!

How to get skinny

2009-02-27T09:58:00.000-08:00

The night before, you lay out your clothes (including socks), or sleep in them.

You've put a couple water bottles in the fridge the night before too.

Wake up to the alarm, turn it off, get out of bed get dressed.

It's cold, you're tired, but you've decided you want this.

You've already made lunches, had everyone get their things ready the night before, and gotten up an hour before the first one in the house is up, so quickly set the table for breakfast.

You go outside and walk/run. You don't care if it's cold, snowy or rainy. You must do something for yourself, and this is it.

You come home after your 10, 15, 30, 45 minute workout. Hey, anything is something more than nothing.

If no one is up, quickly jump in the shower.

If they're up, make sure they're eating and then go take a shower.

(Your day will go better if you have taken a shower before everyone leaves.)

Kids are off, you make yourself a bowl of oatmeal, and whole grain toast. Sit down at the table and eat. Still hungry? It's oatmeal, have some more and add some fruit.

While eating, you make a plan to stay busy during the times you are the hungriest. Call someone on the phone you haven't talked to on the phone, and fold laundry. Go to the playland at the mall, meet a friend at the park, go to the library, or run errands.

You don't forget to grab healthy snacks and stash them in your purse. You are allowed to snack, just on the right food.

Noon. Sure, you're a little worn out, but after a couple weeks of exercising, you'll be blessed with added energy. It's okay to take a nap or do something for yourself. Paint your toenails, shave your legs. Drink water.

1/2 before the kids get home, you make something you can all snack on together. Fresh veggies and fat free ranch? 94% fat free popcorn? Bran muffins? Pineapple?
Something quick and delicious.

Dinner has been thrown in the crock pot in the morning, or is planned out. You've thought about it ahead of time so you don't give into fast food or boxed meals.

After homework is finished, you make sure everyone makes their lunches, and lays out everything for the next day.

Before the Kids go to bed, they help you put the house to bed. It's so much easier to face the morning if you're not overwhelmed with housework.

After they go to bed, mommy time, you watch t.v. but you lay on the floor and do leg lifts or crunches. Maybe you sit and crochet to keep your hands busy. Maybe you choose to read a book instead.

You go to bed at a reasonable time because you know you have to wake up early.

You pray and give thanks for what you did accomplish, even if it wasn't perfect.

Tomorrow is another day to try again.

When you fall down, you get back up because you don't like staying on the ground.

Can't walk/run a mile or two? Get a calendar and work yourself up to it. Set a goal. One week you'll walk/run 1/4 mile, the next week you'll run 1/2, and so on. Make it a goal to run in a 5k this summer, or sign up for a fundraising walk and work towards that. Get someone to join you.

In four months, when summer comes you can either be heavier, the same weight, or skinnier. The good news is, you can choose which one you want to be.

“Striving for success without hard work is like trying to harvest where you haven't planted”

I am not perfect. I gain weight, I lose weight. We all have bad days, weeks, months. The important thing is that you try to better yourself.

I'm going to have to give up the blog. It's been fun, but it's just not something I can keep up anymore. Hey, here's an idea! Why don't you start a blog about your weight loss? It just might give you the motivation you need.

Thank you and good night.

How To Get Fat

2009-01-26T08:45:00.000-08:00

Wake up to the alarm, turn it off, go back to sleep. "Too tired."

Wake up to the sunlight, realize everyone is late, run around shoving food in various children's faces, locate backpacks, make lunches for everyone but yourself, find the lost shoe. No time to eat breakfast.

Kids are off, busy day ahead breakfast for you is the left over food items in the various bowls and plates before the dishes go into the sink. A combo of frozen waffles, eggs, and cheerios. Not too bad, kind of delicious, no portions, couldn't be too big, just the little bits of left overs.

Forget to pack healthy snacks in purse for you - way too busy, way too rushed.

Noon, stomach is growling, there was no snack and now I am STARVING. What to eat? Can't make it home, mind is stressed, seek out most comforting food available (super tacos at Jack-in-the-box)and a milkshake. Justify it by the thought that this is just once, and an emergency, and you deserve it. Besides, what harm can one bad lunch do?

Home, time to make after school snacks, cheap and fast is easier and tastier than healthy and time consuming. Hmmm, looks good, one bite can't hurt, two, three, lose control, immediate gratification is way better than some idea of skinny you can never achieve. Give up on diet the rest of the day is shot.

Dinner is fabulous frozen lasagna, figure -"already blew it, I will try tomorrow."

Kids go to bed, its mommy time, TV, computer, no work out- way too tired. Find hidden emergency stash of peanut m&m's and ice cream. Think of the tough day you had figure "I deserve this," eat right out of the carton. Up too late. Don't set out running clothes for morning, can't find ipod, don't know where other shoe is - promise to find it in the morning. Hit pillow too late and way too tired.

Morning. Can't wake up. Too tired. Can't find clothes anyway, Without ipod I will be too bored, I will go tomorrow. Hit snooze....

Next post: How To Get Skinny

resolutions

2009-01-12T08:17:00.001-08:00

My natural man is really an enemy to God, sometimes I think more than most. My problem is that I am secretly lazy. If I allowed my natural self to have its way I would be parked, watching old movies and eating, I might get up, and get bored, but I would just change to a different form of entertainment. With one pregnancy while stuck in bed, I read up to 3 sometimes 4 books a week. Except for the pain I was in, I was pretty content. That is what concerns me. Deep down I aspire to be a lump.

So alas, my struggle is evident: The good vs. the bad, Darth vs. Luke, Bo Duke vs. Boss Hogg, and Lazy me, vs. Busy me.

That is where friends come in handy. It is hard to find a good work out partner, but life is so much better if you can. It is nice to have someone to check me on my lazy spots and make me get out of bed on my worst days. Heavenly Father is the best resource. He knows just who to pick. Six times I got down on my knees and asked for help and each time the lord provided the best walking partners: Laura, Ronda, Kelli, Kim, Sloan, and Reena. He showed me who to ask, and each time they became my best friends, therapists, and companions.

Because of a crazy schedule, I have been without a partner for a long time. I realize now that I need someone to work with because it is increasingly tempting to stop. I got back on my knees. I received a prompting. I let my new partner know. And this morning he accompanied me at 5:15 for the start of a beautiful relationship. Heavenly Father picked my husband. It was fun to inform Mel that the Lord made him a New Years resolution, I am excited to see what we have in store.

new year new post

2009-01-08T11:04:00.001-08:00

I am always going to be on the roller coaster of weight loss. I took off the extra weight, but I battle the same 5 pounds every day. They just want to be back where they are comfortable. So I have to work at it constantly.

Heavenly Father is amazing. I strive to hear the promptings of the Holy Ghost. I plead with Father in my morning prayers that he will open my ears to hear and recognize those promptings. In the evenings I plead for forgiveness, I am showed what I did wrong, and instead of feeling defeated He makes me feel excited to start fresh and see what course corrections I need to make. I strive to surrender each day to Him and the days I am successful I find that His plans fit me way better than my own.

Oprah said on her best life show something to the effect that her over eating is a sign that she needs balance. We look to her and other celebrities, biggest looser, weight watchers to give us that balance, so that we can become healthy.

We get blinded, loose perspective and forget James 1:5 - "If any of you lack wisdom let him ask of God who giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not." It is only God who can truly help.

There is no way for me to find balance get healthy and loose weight, without the Lord in my life. I ask, he gives. I complain, he comforts, I am lost, he guides.

He has shown me talents that I didn't even think I could per sue. He keeps my hands busy so that I cant mindlessly shovel food into my mouth. I love Him, and unbelievably, I find He loves me more.

Self Talk

2008-10-21T07:44:00.001-07:00

There is really no reason to buy your Halloween candy early. Stores will still have candy for you on October 31st. You know it, I know it. There is no real justification for the early purchase other than the fact that you are going to keep it hidden from your kids and in times of stress hide yourself with it. You are not fooling anyone. The chocolate stains on you blouse will give you away. Stay away from the Hershey bars, we know who you are buying it for - whether you are conscious of it or not. It is a known fact that chocolate is for moms, gross sour cheap candy is for the kids.

And if you are carrot, my sister and wittnessed my disgraseful begging for and scarfing of chocolate kisses this past weekend, well just keep quiet. It was just "that time" I swear I am turning over a new leaf.

Yes, I know, at least you aren't as old as me.

2008-10-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Carrot!

Lame that I am putting this on one day late, but really carrot, who doesn't love to celebrate for two days in a row? Besides, I celebrated with you two days early soooo, it stands to reason that this is right on time.

Image of my father

2008-10-17T07:44:00.000-07:00

I had a dream the other night that a girl in my ward came up to me and said "you think you are so great, but you still could lose 10 more pounds - why have you stopped? What is wrong with you?"

A few years ago I went to pick up my mothers dry cleaning. The owner of the shop knew and loved my mother. Her praises were eloquent: "Oh your mother is so beautiful so fun, she dresses so well, she looks so young and classy!" After a short pause she added as an after thought... "you look like your dad I think" That was it.

There is an invisible crowd of imaginary people that I sometimes feel are watching me - judging me - giving me an impossible line I cannot reach. Those imaginary people I try to please and when I fall short I say WHO CARES! and then to prove to them that I DON'T CARE I shove as much food in my mouth as possible, basking in my independence laughing because "I WILL SHOW THEM!" Somehow I have imagined a battle and in my imagined fight have hurt myself. Those people I feel are watching me and judging me probably feel the same way about me.

The very phrase "WHO CARES! that gives me permission to eat until sick assumes the answer is that no one cares how fat I get or how miserable I am and if they do care they aren't going to help anyway. I mistakenly assume I should find comfort any way I can and eating is a quick easy fix.

That is why I love dieting with prayer. In the morning when I pray, I ask for help to overcome the temptation to solve problems with food. I am taught that that HE CARES. When I remember that I get on my knees and he shows me comfort, help, love and direction.

1 Nephi 21:14-16: "But, behold, Zion hath said: The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me—but he will show that he hath not.
15 For can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee, O house of Israel.
16 Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands;"

my CREATIONS

2008-10-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

Following Elder Uchdorf's advice (see post below) I copied pictures from Archie comics and a story book of my son's. I think Cartooning is the way to go because there is no shading and no perspective stuff. Now If I can just draw a duck...

The Devils Workshop

2008-10-09T07:31:00.000-07:00

"Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty—and I am not talking about the process of cleaning the rooms of your teenage children."

There is a sedentary part of motherhood. I oversee piano lessons, drive and wait for kids in the car, oversee homework and computer time - you get the idea. Add to that watching TV programs, books, computer time and phone conversations and my Heine gets plenty of sit time.

I have to admit that I enjoy the sedentary part of my life. The only problem that I can see is that lounging pairs itself effortlessly to eating. The old quote: "idle hands are the devils workshop" could also be changed to idle hands and a sitting bum are Ben and Jerry magnets.

Elder Uchdorfs talk inspired me. If my problem is that I eat when I am still, creating, and keeping my hands busy can keep my mouth empty. I brought back out my crochet hooks and during conference I crocheted a lace edging around a fleece blanket. I felt immensly satisfied because I created and stayed away from the peanut m&m's.

I now want to gain a skill. I want to draw like my brother. My tallented family intimidates me and make me embarrassed to try. Drawing a duck for my daughter depressed me when I had to explain just where the beak was.

A few weeks ago I grabbed an Archie comic book and started cartooning. If I do say so myself I have got Betty and Veronica down. I attempted Ethel but have a bit of work to do on her. You would think she would be easy, but ugly is hard.

I titled my spiral note book "I Wanna Draw" and last night watching the biggest loser I filled up 8 pages of doodles. It was so much fun, very satisfying and completely calorie free. I have found that creating really does have a bigger payoff than eating...Who Knew?? I am so thankful for inspired church leaders. Heavenly Father did not leave us alone to figure it out. I feel very loved!

p.s. Thank you to you all for reading my ramblings. Your comments have meant a lot to me, I am amazed that you all came back! I really needed to do this, I have lost another 2 pounds. Being accountable to an invisible audience works wonders.

Product placement

2008-10-02T08:55:00.000-07:00

I had a blueberry cobbler left over from Sunday that my mom gave our family. I had it in a Tupperware at eye level in my fridge. Each time I opened my fridge my eyes landed on it and I was forced by reason to grab a fork and have a taste.

Pretty soon I was seeing a pattern. I open the fridge hundreds ( I exaggerate a bit) of times each day, each time getting a taste of the satanic cobbler. The goods were shrinking in the bowl and I realized I was the one making it disappear. When my eyes were opened to my folly I took the cobbler and put it on the lower shelf behind the chicken and ketchup thus making it invisible to my lustful eye. There I hoped that it would suffer the fate of other lost refrigerated goods and grow a nice beard of moldy blue. "Out of sight out of mind" really works for me.

Last night at dinner I offered the goods to my family and what they didn't eat I forced into the sink, flooding it with water. I just didn't know for how long I would remain safe, I had to get rid of the crack cocaine of the dessert world.

Grocery Stores know that product placement is very important - putting the more expensive items at eye level. We the consumer have no idea how gullible we are. When I put goodies at eye level I feed into my own trap. The kitchen feels like my home. I am cooking and feeding myself and others all day. I have got to make it safe.

"Get thee hence, Satan; deceive me not" (Moses 1: 16)

hence (hns)
adv. From this place; away from here: "Get you hence!"

I deserve to eat breakfast

2008-09-29T09:58:00.000-07:00

This morning in my prayer I told the Lord that I was turning the day over to Him and I asked Him to guide me. I listed my weaknesses I knew I would face and overeating was one of them.

Getting 5 kids ready and off to school is crazy and when I dropped the last school kids off I got my first impression. "You deserve to eat breakfast" As usual I had fed the kids but forgot to feed myself. Grabbing a quick bite was my instinct and the left-over brownies on the counter were the logical conclusion. The idea that I can make a meal and eat it slowly while chaos and children abound seems wrong.

I made a beautiful breakfast of whole wheat cereal and strawberries on top, using splenda as a sweetener. I set it nicely on the table and amidst the chaos I prayed thanking Heavenly Father for that meal. I wouldn't have had it had I not been given that prompting and that permission.

I don't know what it is about me that makes it seem selfish to take the time I usually dedicate to the family and kids and spend it on me, but I know now that Heavenly Father thinks I deserve it, and that makes me feel Amazingly Special.

I am down 2.5 pounds so far.

A Plan

2008-09-22T07:37:00.001-07:00

My hubby told me that to make an airplane lighter and more fuel efficient engineers find small ways to make ordinary things lighter, arm rests, seats, dinner carts are all analyzed to see how they can shave off excess weight.

In order to make myself lighter I am going to analyze and shave off excess.

Today it will be Hot Chocolate with torianni syrup (peppermint or almond). I have been using that every day as a way to stay away from chocolate bars. Lately I have been making my cups fuller and have been indulging more often. Today I am going to buy sugar free hot chocolate and some no calorie sweetener.

That should be simple. Tomorrow I will tackle the graham crackers I dunk inside the hot chocolate.

Baby steps.

Alma 37: 6
6 Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.

Back to Skinny School

2008-09-19T06:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday it was 7 this morning the scale said 9. last week it said 6 - Pounds. I have gained. I figure I average about 8 pounds total that I have put on. Well on my way to a new dress size.

My half hearted attempt to lose is not working, I must make a plan before everything splats in my face... and then attaches to my waist.

Being skinny doesn't come natural for me. Base line I am fat. I am sure of it. Some mornings I even wonder why I should try, the feeling of food sliding into my gullet is a comfort that pays off better than a mirror. If I wanted to be thin only to fit into skinny jeans then it just wouldn't be worth it. That motivator alone just may send me out shopping for fat pants. The tourniquet that is my skinny pants must serve not as a motivator but a reminder of - "a bright recollection of all (my) guilt. Alma 11:43

I need to remember and recommit to my weight loss motivators.

Family. As a mother I set the tone of our house. When I eat at world record pace and then go for a second term - my children race to keep up.

Self. I love the feeling of being healthy, I just do, enough said.

Blog. Silly, but I need the feeling of being accountable, even if no one reads it, I am out there for all to see

Spirit. Alma 37:47
47 And now, my son, see that ye take care of these sacred things (ie - my body), yea, see that ye look to God and live.

So, it is back to skinny school for me. I am getting back on the health bus, and if you will excuse me, I have an elliptical to ride.

One Step Back - Two Steps Forward

2008-03-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

I heard once that life is like a spinning plate act. Our goal is to keep all of the plates spinning at the same time. When one starts to slow you rush to it and give it the attention it needs.

Some plates spin easier than others - some are larger and some smaller. At different times in my life I have to spend more time on some and less on another - Just when I get some plates nicely spinning I have to dash off and give a different plate attention. Some women can spin so many more plates than I can - I watch them every Sunday with envy, but when I am watching their act my plates drop.

I have to stop spinning some plates because other plates are requiring more attention right now. This blog is one of the plates that I have to drop.

I have loved doing this. Thanks everyone for your love and support. I have been lifted by all of your comments - I have been edified by your examples. I have been amazed that you all have continued to read my ramblings. It has been so fun to have this invisible family to muse to and to renew my commitment to healthy living.

I truly know that without Heavenly Fathers help I could never have accomplished my goal to get healthy. I am constantly trying to keep my yoke on so that he will continually help me pull.

"Yea, and I also exhort you, my brethren, that ye be watchful unto prayer continually, that ye may not be led away by the temptations of the devil, that he may not overpower you..." Alma 34:39

Love,
Calamity

Happy One Hundred!

2008-03-05T07:17:00.000-08:00

This is my 100th post, so with that thought I am going to tell you of some people that had they lived would be in their 100's. During the start of the depression my grandma and grandpa got married. They wed in the brides home and spent their first night together there as well. The bride has brothers, many of them, who thought a good joke was priceless.

The bed that grandma and grandpa were going to sleep in was complete with a fishing line attached to the end of their blanket, the other end attached to a fishing pole out the window held by her brothers. All during the night the blankets would slowly creep off of the newlyweds and go toward the window. At first the couple had no idea what was up and spent the better part of the night pulling up their blankets. Eventually they caught on and the line was severed but until then they had quite the evening.

In my journal I wrote when I was 16 I wrote of that experience and likened it to my young testimony. I said that sometimes when I am not noticing my testimony slips and that one day I hope that I will just be able to cut the lines that pull me away from the iron rod. It seems that everything the Book of Mormon tells me to remember I somehow manage to forget if I don't stay vigilant.

Of course I can liken that to my quest to stay healthy. I find myself forgetting my healthy new life. I say "It won't matter if I don't go out running today, or, Just one - no two krispy kremes, a box of chocolates, orange soda, cake and chocolate milk wont hurt just this once.

One thing that I find invaluable is my "Runners World" magazine, or the magazines and books that talk of others successes. By getting little tips and ideas I get back on my road that I need to be on. Believe me when I say the natural me would rather be on my bed with a good book and a bag of m&m's, I have to decide daily who I am going to be, and reading ways to be healthy is a big part of that decision.

Abraham speaks of his flight from Canaan and says "Therefore, eternity was our covering and our rock and our salvation..."(Abraham 2:16) Grandma and Grandpa had strings that kept them uncovered, once the strings were severed I am sure that their night was blissful. My strings that need to be severed are ignorance, justification, and not being equally yoked with the Savior. I am an emotional eater, if eternity can cover me with the peace I need I can then overcome trying to find peace through a large slice of cake. "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;" (D&C 121:7)

Happy Valentines Day

2008-02-14T15:04:00.000-08:00

As I was looking at the dirty floor today I thought of the quote "nature abhors a vacuum" Just what does that mean? I abhor a vacuum as well, but since when did mother nature buy a hoover?

Craining my brain far back to freshman physical science I remember the quote being interpreted that where there is an empty space it will invariably fill up with something. I have no idea of the history, who thought it up, or why. But while I was frosting my valentine cookies I had a moment to ponder.

Lets say the empty space is my mouth. The natural woman (me) naturally would like to fill it especially when I am in the kitchen.

Valentines Day = Chocolate. Calamity = an eater of Chocolate.

Stragety: I begged my husband "please whatever you do, do not buy me chocolate for V day." Then to fill the vaccuim/void the absence of chocolate would leave on Valentines day I told him "I would like bubble bath and a People (there I said it, I am a gossip monger.) I know that my home will be filled with chocolate no matter what, so to limit my intake I can stop the flow from one artery.

Now - I have to fill my empty mouth and stomach before nature does, and my secret: Spearmint gum in my kitchen drawers, large glasses of ice water, a cup of hot chocolate, fudgecicles in my freezer, and the most important: 3 nice filling healthy meals and 2 healthy snacks.

When I have had to overcome any obsticle, be it a bad habit or a sin, I find that I have to fill up my life with other things. Sitting and thinking about how bad I want the object only leads me to cave. Filling my time with service, excercise, children, spouse or hobbies, makes it harder to put the old vice back in the hole.

For example T.V. time = food, the change: T.V. time = ironing, sock sorting, crocheting, foot rubbing etc. Find your vice, dig it out and then fill the hole in with something better. It is always better to be busy than bored. Boredom brings on eating.

"Nature sucks" There I said it-get it? vacuum pun. Nature sucks stuff right on to your belly, stop the flow, clog up the vacuum. This advice is my Valentines gift to you. I am so grateful to you. It is so fun to find comments in my email box, I love that I have made friends that I have never met. I am grateful that others are willing to struggle right along with me. On this day of love and gratitude I need to say thanks! My life is getting crazy busy right now with church callings, family, school and various commitments so the postings are slowing down a bit, but I feel that this blog is a cherry on top of a very blessed life! Thanks for making it possible.

Love,
Calamity.

Amalickiah and The Evil Banana Chip

2008-02-11T09:39:00.000-08:00

Amalickiah was a bad man. He came up with a plan to worm his way into the hearts of the powerful, destroy them and then take control of their positions.

Lehonti was a captain of a strong army and was wary of the man. Amalickiah tried three times to persuade him to come down and make a deal with him to join together, but Lehonti stayed strong, and followed his instinct. Not one to give up, the fourth time Amalickiah "found that he could not get Lehonti to come down off from the mount, he went up into the mount, nearly to Lehonti's camp" (Alma 47:12) Finally Lehonti consented. A deal was made that they would work together with Amalickiah as the second in command to Lehonti. To make the story brief, during their time together Amalickiah eventually poisoined Lehonti by degrees until he was dead and took over Lehontis army.

Here is where our stories merge, I have been done wrong by banana chips. I love dried fruit, it is easy to put in little bags and put in my purse, in my van, or in my kitchen. I buy dried peaches, mangos, apples, cherries, even pears, which are a sweet alternitive to candy but I always stayed away from the banana chips, I thought they were nasty. I "durst not" buy them, I ignored them all together. One day while at costco I found a large bag of combined fruit, which included banana chips. I hated those chips, but loved the others, so I invited the evil in with the good. After eating all the other fruits the yellow imposters and I were left alone. I ate a few. The next day I ate a few more, My chips promised me that they were health food, used by backpackers and granola heads. As days passed I started developing a taste for the things. Banana chips are cheap, and are found next to the fresh bananas in the produce section, in the bulk section and in the health food section of my grocery store - Such a reccomendation I thought.

Then it happened, my scale started to protest and give me higher numbers - in shock I analyzed my eating, the only thing that changed was the yellow cardboard chips. I wondered what was in those things, I looked up the nutritional information online. "Total Fat 34g - 51% of a daily diet, Saturated Fat 29g" They fry those things, In palm oil, and add banana flavoring. THIRTY FOUR GRAMS OF FAT????Stunned I realized I was basically eating a meal deal from McDonalds while not getting the benefit of taste.

Amalickiah wormed his way into the life of Lehonti until Lehonti felt safe and happy. Banana chips wormed their way into my daily diet, until I believed that I was doing something good, safe and healthy. I became so comfortable I let them become my favorite snack. Lehonti should have googled Amalickiah to find out just what kind of guy he was. Unfortunately for him he didn't - but I did. Googling what I eat, finding out the truth can save me. I am armed againgst banana chips, they no longer hold my heart. I can't even bear to look at the nasty creatures.

My lesson learned? Read labels, google information, read fast food menu information before you go out so you will not eat in ignorance. . . . Knowledge is the key to weight loss. A fat bottom side doesn't just appear, it gets put there by the evil things we invite inside. If our bodies are temples, then we must make sure that the foods we let in are reccomend worthy.

"And the truth shall set you free...."

Confessions Of The cookie monster.

2008-02-04T15:49:00.000-08:00

I have felt guilt when my skinny fourteen year old looks into the freezer and says "hey who ate all the ice cream? I have felt the shame burn within me as my children return home from school only to ask - where is last nights cake? I have heard my husband wonder out loud where the supply of mint milanos have gone. The guilt comes from the knowledge of where the ice cream, the cake and the milanos are - in my tummy.

I am undergoing a change however. The feeling is a funny one that I haven't experienced before. I can hardly put it into words but when I see that I am eating more than my share of goodies I look at my children enjoying it and feel bad that I am acting selfishly. I would credit it to the whisperings of the spirit. Somehow my desire to not be selfish with my children is becoming stronger than my urge to eat like cookie monster. - I believe that Heavenly Father doesn't want me to be Jabba the Hut gobbling away my day, eating resourses that should be shared. Children, a neighbor, a friend, or better yet - an enemy - could benefit from selfless sharing. Guilt actually works wonders for me. I am going to let it fester so that when I am tempted to grab the last dozen or so cookies and curl up with a book - I will feel like the hamburgler. At 39&3/4 I am maturing. It is nice to grow up and not out.

There, I am glad I got that off my chest, (and kept the cookies off my thighs) Have a good week everyone!

(I am toning down my posting schedule to once a week. I fear I am running out of things to say and am becoming redundant- My story for those who haven't read it is spelled out carefully in my first month of postings and you can go there to see what really helped me to change and lose weight.)

Marshmallow eating Japanese game show

2008-01-29T08:47:00.001-08:00

The way of the samurai may be a hard path sen sai, but the rewards....look how good they look in a Kimono. Now if nothing else is working for you, just put a bungee cord outside of the fridge and pantry and just see how much weight you take off.

Dynamite!

2008-01-21T20:46:00.000-08:00

Do you remember in the movie Napoleon Dynamite when Rex the Dojo gives his speech about "Rex Kuando"? He points out his flag pants and asks if the students think anyone would want to mess with him wearing "these bad boys?"

There are times each month I have certain cravings which turn me into a scheming self deceiver. I need chocolate. Today I asked each of my children privately if they had any chocolate in any form they could share...each said no, and I was secretly relieved and saved from myself.

I try to prepare for these sudden attacks of cravings and need. Rex the dojo in Napoleon dynamite steels himself against certain attacks by wearing his bad boy pants. I steel myself with the bad boy armor of God. Lehi tells me about it while telling his boys..."Awake, my sons; put on the armor of righteousness. Shake off the chains with which ye are bound, and come forth out of obscurity and arise from the dust." (2 Nephi 2:23)

Addiction to food was a chain that bound me. Every time I looked in the mirror at 205 I could have easily echoed Nephi's words and said "oh wretched (woman) that I am!!!" Every time I would see the bottom of a carton of ice cream I finished off with a spoon in front of the TV, I could have easily said "my heart sorroweth because of my flesh"..."I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me." (2 Nephi 4:18)

Nephi then states "...why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations...?(v27)

When I finished lamenting I had to get real(aka Dr. Phil). The temptations that easily beset me come from the cocoa bean or from Frito Lay. When I go grocery shopping I cannot buy treats I cannot resist, no matter who I say they are for. I try to shop after a big breakfast or other meal when my resolve is strong. It is dangerous to have to go to the store after 8:00 or when I am hungry. If I really need something and I know the still small voice will not be heard over the roar of the bakery I take a kid and tell them to not let me buy a package of cupcakes. They are usually delighted to play the role of policeman for mommy.

"Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul" "Do not anger again because of (a bag of Cheetos). Do not slacken my strength because of (Chubby Hubby)." "Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say; O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God and the rock of my salvation."(2 Nephi 4:28-30)

How can you not succeed with the armor of God on? Unlike Rex's bad boy uniform it will never be dated and is a must have item for Spring of 2008. "Oh Lord, I have trusted in thee and I will trust in thee forever." (2 Nephi 4:34)

Mission Complete!

2008-01-14T10:10:00.000-08:00

Last night at 9:39 I completed the Book of Mormon. I entered this challenge lightly thinking that I easily read books this size in a week. I finished Roots and Anna Karenina under a week, no big?

Ha.

This was big, this was huge. I believe there is opposition in all things, I also believe that with God all things are possible. I experienced both. I am so grateful for the experience and I challenge anyone out there to try it. I was carried and assisted by Heavenly Father. I am pretty sure I won't do this again for at least another year, but this really jump started my reading which was beginning to wane. I loved the story line. I loved reading all that Nephi had experienced with his father Lehi, experiencing the love and then going on to his lament in losing him in the Psalm of Nephi (2 Nephi 4). I loved seeing Alma witness Amuleks great sermon and humbling himself and being willing to give up all things to bring others to Christ after only hearing the word. I loved seeing his prayers for his son Alma jr. and the miraculous event that occurred. My heart swelled when I read of his sons experience with repentance and then conversion and his then complete change once he had "received his image in (his) countenance" (Alma 5) I was amazed to see his great commitment he showed in being willing to return to a city that he had just been kicked out of. I love that he found Amulek who was prepared and willing to sacrifice his social standing to testify. I loved hearing that Alma loved Amulek and took time to minister to him so freely after they had completed their mission. Lehi and Nephi also were willing to give up all in order to teach the gospel and were miraculously preserved. Moroni and his title of liberty made me want to rally and protect my family from a man who will stop at nothing to "dethrone" my children of a Heavenly King.

You get the point. I have now set a more reasonable goal of 10 pages a day, and hope that I can continue to hear the spirit and follow the promptings I receive.

I will get off my soap box and just give you a bit of diet advice that is my blogs original purpose: Today, remember what Amulek said to Zeezrom and just modify it a bit i.e. "oh thou (chocolate from) hell, why tempt ye me? Knowest thou that the righteous yeildeth to no such temptations?" (Alma 11:23)

Good luck today.

Superhero Powers

2008-01-09T12:06:00.000-08:00

Well, did you know that reading the Book of Mormon in a week means 80 pages a day??? 80 pages a day = 3 1/2 hours per day. I had no idea what I was signing up for. Each morning I wake thinking - again??? Day one was kind of tough, I was stressed but I felt pretty good. Day two, got the idea to listen while running. Running to Isaiah is an unusual experience. Great prophet, bad beat. As the days go on, I am getting creative. I took the kids to the grocery store play land and I sat in the Deli reading. Today we went to a park and then a play land while I listened to my ipod. I have just finished Mosiah and am starting Alma.

I feel like a super hero. The thing is, immersing myself in the scriptures does amazing things. I don't have time for t.v., I spend what was before thoughtless downtime reading. I am hearing promptings better. I am a better mom, youth leader, wife and friend and I am only on day three! This is a challenge, but I am now equipped to do it. Heavenly Father seems to think this is a good idea and is helping me tons.

Once again I can see how much Heavenly Father truly wants to help me. I know that when I wanted to lose weight and included him in my efforts I was successful. I owe it all to Him and prayer. I am grateful for this crazy goal I set. I know that next week I will go back to the same old 1/2 hour to 15 minute study, but I hope it is more intense, more dedicated. I have learned that once again that "I can do hard things" - this is definately hard.

I am glad I posted my goal on this blog, I hear your cheers and I feel supported. I am reminded how much telling people my weight loss goal helped me. People are amazingly supportive, but the very backbone of my success was getting a priesthood blessing and then learning to listen to the still small voice. I will tell you all my snacks and ideas, my tricks and lessons learned, but remember to include prayer: "prayer changes things"

I only feel like a superhero because Heavenly Father gives me wings to fly. "Ye have seen...how I bare you on eagles' wings, and brought you unto myself." (Exodus 19:4)

ADRD

2008-01-07T07:53:00.000-08:00

I have a condition. It is called ADRD. Attention Deficit Resolution Disorder. This self-diagnosed condition is a family trait and something I am not proud of. I make a resolution and do pretty well the first week. Slowly I forget and by the end of the month my life is back on my former track. This was first pointed out by my brilliant sister "Trixie" who told me how she combats this disability. Her new years resolutions are now made so that she can accomplish them in a week or two such as: "This year I am going to go to the bank and open a savings account" Then she goes and opens the savings account the next day and bam - she accomplished her New years goal - not guilt but pride is her reward.

Genius. That is all I have to say. If you suffer from Attention Deficit Resolution Disorder there is now hope - and this is how: when I make a fitness goal I chop it up into weeks "this year I am going to work out at the gym every week" turns into "I am going to work out 5 days in a row." I accomplish it, have great self esteem and can make a new goal. How does the saying go? "Eat an elephant a day at a time?" by swallowing resolutions in smaller increments you wont end up looking like the proverbial elephant you are attempting to swallow.

I am now trying to apply this in other decisions I make. I made a goal to read the Book Of Mormon through this year. I considered my condition of resolution disorder and decided to tweak it a little. I am going to finish it this week. I read a book a week easily. So wish me well.....

Care to join me?

2008-01-04T11:09:00.000-08:00

I was just at my sister Carrot Jello's site. She has bells and whistles, color and fun. I got nothin. So enjoy her as a treat from me. It's her blog birthday so pop in and wish her well.

HUGE PROBLEM - I got muffin tops. Christmas was hard on me... I am at my upper Echelon...I passed out when I looked at the scale so, if you are in the same boat here is what I am going to do about it.

This morning - 4 miles, walked 2 ran 2. I am experiencing double knee trouble but I am not going to be discouraged, walking is great, just takes longer, I got up earlier.

For Breakfast I got the brown rice out of the rice cooker and added milk cinnamon and sugar, deeelicious and it filled me up nicely. After breakfast I made my lunch along with my husband's and children. I made a beautiful chicken wrap on a spinach tortilla with corn, salsa, tomatoes, cabbage, black beans and brown rice, and a bit of sour cream. I just ate half, and am saving the second half for two hours from now.

I have a SERIOUS obstacle to face tonight and it is called Olive Garden gift certificates. We were given $150 to take the family out. It is my mothers birthday so it is party time, don't tell Carrot, she isn't invited;) I was always my mothers favoirte and I would like to keep it that way. I went online and planned out what I am going to order, picked the entree with the healthy sign and am determined to stick to the plan. I have already decided that the dessert (oh yes there will be dessert) I am going to order will be shared with my husband and 2 year old.

I, with countless zillions of women know how to lose weight. I have gained and lost the equivalent of a small nation in the past - so, onward and thinward... Let go you evil holiday pounds! I am not afraid of you...I'm ready! "if ye are prepared ye shall not fear." (D&C 38: 30 )

Tossing Cookies

2008-01-02T13:10:00.000-08:00

I have no ideas. I am at a blog impasse. Anyone have any questions?

Until I come up with something - throw away the left over treats even if they cost a fortune, clear off the counter tops. Do it quick before you reason out just why you should save them and come up with a phantom you were saving them for. Don't kid a kidder, we all know the peppermint ice cream in the freezer hidden behind the chicken is for you once the kids go to school. Pull it out quickly and pepper it, salt it, pour salsa on it and put it under hot water. Take the Ferro Rochers to the gals you visit teach, let them figure out what to do with it. Send the Frangos or other seasonal candy to your husbands boss and get a raise which will then pay for your new skinny clothes. You may think you deserve these treats, but you deserve a cute butt more. Trust me on this one. It feels great to shop somewhere other than Layne Bryant.

Anyone ever had a skinny cow ice cream sandwich? Replace the dangerous stuff with something a bit more safe. Toss the cookies. Christmas is over.

A Christmas Gift of Absolution.

2007-12-21T23:23:00.001-08:00

I am beginning to think I am giving the wrong impression. Some feel guilt after reading my blog and feel I have some sort of super human faith, that I am a skinny girl who just prays and "poof" am delivered from temptation. One person told me she won't comment here because she feels too guilty and has no idea what to say. I think that this person misunderstands me.

I have been watched, but not consistently. If you really watched me you would know just how hard losing weight is and that sometimes keeping it off seems impossible. You would see how discouraged and overwhelmed I get. I blog of the things that work for me. I don't write the things I do that do not work, I figure everyone has figured that out for themselves.

Every day is hard. I am paddling the same boat as everyone else who loves sleep, food, and who is too busy to cut veggies every night. I haven't made bread in a week and today I made sugar cookies and ate 4 for lunch because I was mad at my husband. My knee hurts from running and my lungs hurt from a 3 week old cold so I have only been out twice this week. I feel like I walk a very thin line and that if left with out my little tricks I would daily bathe in butter, swim in chocolate, dive into eclairs and frequent places with drive through windows wearing sweats with no intention of sweating.

This month marks one year that I have stayed at the same weight plus or minus 5. I am truly astounded. It is a miracle. 90% of people who lose weight gain it back and that terrifies me. I held on to my fat clothes for months thinking I would fill them up soon enough, but the lessons have stuck. I have learned some tricks that make this road to health a bit easier.

Just think of me as a tutor. I can teach you some of the new rules of this foreign tongue. Though not fluent I speak it as much as I can, and with practice I plan on getting better each day. I absolve you of all guilt you may feel falling off the wagon if you will get right back on and cheer me on with you. I do not want to discourage anyone, I truly believe if I, who completly lacks any kind of will power can do this, so can you. Merry Christmas.

Ignorance is Blubber

2007-12-20T08:14:00.001-08:00

Elder Oaks taught me that in life we are faced with many choices. This morning I re-listened to his talk and found myself wondering about eating choices, some make me fat, some make me thin. Here is one of my strageties I give to you as a Christmas gift - (especially when cookies are delivered to your door daily.)

Good - Do not eat the offending food. This is a great option, however when doing this I find the food item continually on my mind and the desire to eat more of other things to make up for the food I just heroically gave up. By the end of the day I have eaten more calories and fat than the original temptation. In frustration I just eat the earlier scorned food because what can one more bad thing hurt?

Better - Have a small amount of the offending food. This works but can backfire as well. Sometimes I open a flood gate that cannot be shut. For example cake batter, especially yellow cake batter. A small taste is o.k., but the desire to pour into my body the entire contents of the bowl sometimes is too great and I find myself eating spoonfuls of the yellow gold.

Best - Learn about the offending food. If I read ingredients and nutritional content I am better able to resist unhealthy food. When I was a little girl my sisters and I were told grocery store cake frosting was made up of only Crisco and sugar. So simple, Trixie made us a batch! My dad walked in to the room to find us hovering over a bowl of the delicious white stuff. He asked us what we were eating and on discovery he quickly took the bowl and emptied the contents into the trash. We received quite the lecture on health.

That talk stuck into my brain and I find that when I picture a tub of Crisco and the similar look my white pasty thighs take on when faced with a cake I am better able to resist. I can do that with so many food items. I read the nutritional info at Burger King before ordering and found that my favorite burger - the Whopper has 39 grams of fat. With that information I can easily run away in horror. Fries have no allure to me, imagining how I would feel when bathed in grease leads to a picture of my body parts bathed in oil as well. Not wanting either I can order the apple sauce instead.

Lets say I think about cake batter, read the nutritional information, think about what that much sugar does to my joints (ache) and imagine raw eggs coursing through my body (I am not Rocky after all). By the time I think it all through the cake is in the oven and I am safe for awhile. Next thing to work on is the frosting. Wouldn't a nice dusting of powdered sugar be better? How about fat free pudding and a bit of cool whip? Do I really need a stick of butter to swim through my arteries? Can I feel a stroke coming on? You get the picture.

Education is the best. Learning of the foods you eat and don't eat really can help. Ignorance is not bliss, Ignorance is blubber.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Straight No Chaser - 12 Days

2007-12-20T08:13:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas

A large truck and a hole

2007-12-17T08:37:00.001-08:00

Yesterday my four year old son asked my husband to cut a large hole through his door. When we asked why, he told us that he needed an enlarged opening to get the large truck Santa was bringing him into his bedroom, "so could you please do that?"

Somewhere growing up I lost that simple easy faith my son exhibited. Finding out that every prayer does not get answered with the answer I want, or that every goal set does not get met after a declaration of intent makes me afraid to start.

That fear was evident in my previous attempts at weight loss. I had no desire to fail in front of others. Even when my weight loss became evident to people I felt embarrassed for them to notice, just in case I gained it all back.

I love Moroni. "Wherefore, there must be faith; and if there must be faith there must also be hope; and if there must be hope there must be charity." (Moroni 10:20)

Have faith that Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. Have hope that you can do that which others have done and have charity for yourself, don't focus on failures but on the success you have received listening to the spirits promptings.

I have the same chance at success as I do at failure. Believing in success gets me farther than listening to my fears. When I bought clothes that fit my new body and got rid of my larger clothes I burned bridges I hope never to cross again.

I love my four year old and what he teaches me. Now I have to convince him that he really doesn't want a large truck but something more affordable. After all, having faith in Santa doesn't get you as far as faith in God does.

"son of a bishop"

2007-12-14T12:25:00.000-08:00

I once knew an old ornery man who called himself a "son of a bishop". Everytime he said that I cracked up. The daring-do of getting close to the fire without jumping in fascinates me. One of my favoirte songs while still a young lady went like this:

"There was a miss who went to piiiiick some flowers,
she stepped in grass, up to her aaaaaaaankles fair.
She saw a bird let out a turrrrrrrkey feather,
she had a start, and let a farrrrrrrmer take her home.

Well todays recipie is similar. We get close to danger but at the last minute come up with a heroic change for the good. Christmas goes hand in hand with cookies. I love cookies (of course), and yet do not want to jump into the full fat fire. Here is a great Molasses cookie that is soft, chewey and has only 3 grams of fat per serving (sorry, I don't know what the serving is, I hope not just one). Using half whole wheat flour ups the complex carbs which are the good carbs. They are a great alternative to my favorite the lovely spritz that uses full butter or other favorites that use Crisco.

Molasses Crinkles:

1/2 cup oil
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 egg
1/4 cup molasses
1 cup unbleached white flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
1/4 tsp salt
2 tsp soda
1 tsp cinnamon
1 teaspoon ginger
1/2 teaspoon cloves
Sugar

Mix oil, sugar, egg, and molasses until fluffy. Add remaining ingredients. Mix well. Chill dough. Shape into walnut-size balls. Dip tops in sugar. Place sugar-side up, 3 inches apart on a nonstick baking sheet.
Sprinkle the top of each cookie with 3 drops of water to get a crackled effect. Bake in a 350 degree oven 10 to 12 minutes, just until set but not hard. Makes 48 cookies.

Gratitude

2007-12-13T07:16:00.000-08:00

Watching this past biggest loser got me to thinking...(please no snide remarks - I do think fairly often) Watching their accomplishments I think about mine and try to remember being 70 pounds heavier. I look at my 50 pound 4 year old, lift him up and carry him while groaning under the extra weight. It is hard to believe that I carried more than that on my tummy. No wonder I had sore feet.

While heavy I carried a journal entry around with me in my head which started "...I never meant to wake up at 35 with bad hair, obese and tired, it just sort of happened." I sometimes stood in front of the mirror and wondered at the rolls and folds of my skin, still unable to do anything about it. It was a hard time for me, I only had chocolate, casseroles and dessert to soothe and comfort me. I was looking for peace in a pie.

I received a life changing blessing and decided to listen to promptings of the spirit that directed me how to take care of my body, and to have faith in Christ believing I can "counsel with the lord in all thy doings" I told you about my first prompting from the spirit that I decided to follow: - "Are you two people? Do you want to look like two people? Why do you eat two peoples food? I made a decision to just eat one serving of dinner, one bowl of cereal for breakfast, two small healthy snacks between meals, and even if the sandwich was very good I would eat it slow and not get another.

I know that heavy I would still have been redeemed through the grace of Christ, that heavy I had great worth, but my neighbor is dying of breast cancer. She is fighting to hold on until Christmas is over. Talking to her right after she was told she had just a month I watched as she teared up at the thought of leaving them. I am so grateful for each moment I have with my family. If losing 70 pounds gave me a few more years with them then it was worth it, If it gives my children a happier mom and a healthier life then I am glad I did the hard work that year represented. I am grateful for the promptings that got me there.

2007-12-11T08:38:00.001-08:00

My husband is a genius and my computer is resurrected. I love that guy. I am finding out that my love is fickle. I love lots of things. Next to my house there is a grocery store called Top Foods. I love that place. Can we say free child care? Genius.

Saturday night my husband and I went grocery shopping. First past the deli, olive bar and fancy cheeses. I said "Oh Mel, I love Boursin, especially the garlic kind spread on crackers? Delicious. Oh and how about a nice slice of dill Havarti on a thick crusted chewy bread? I love that!" We progressed to produce, "I love fresh asparagus lightly steamed with lemon pepper and butter" Next the bakery: "Wasn't that pumpernickel bread with the Irish butter amazing?" "I can't believe they sell those holiday tortes out in the open, I love those." We went past the bulk candy aisle - "Jordan Almonds? In Christmas colors? Amazing. Red and Green Malt balls? Pure genius. I love those."

It took me awhile until I saw a pattern. I love food. Food is an amazing gift from God. I am pretty sure that when I die and I find out we can't eat in the spirit world I will be devastated and haunt Top Foods. Eating is a favorite past time. When I see a baby I think is adorable I say "I could just eat you up!" Freud would have a holiday in my head.

So, another thing I love is Bob Greene. I am ashamed to admit it because I don't want to be just another Oprah zombie, but he said - (I summarize) Unless you stick to a perfect diet you have to exercise to lose or maintain weight. Short but powerful.

I don't want to stick to a perfect diet. My husband summarized my early morning work outs this way: "Oh I see, you work out to up your food intake". I love to eat more than I love to exercise, but I am willing to do the work for that which I love.

I can't wait until I love to get up in the morning to work out - that will probably never happen, I will never eat so that I get to work out, but vice-versa we have a good symbiotic relationship. Last night I laid out my shoes, my clothes, my ipod got juiced up and at 5:15 a.m. I put on a hat and gloves and hit the street.

Reflections on a Virus

2007-12-07T09:35:00.000-08:00

My computer caught a virus. Monday night we had a crash - even turning it on was impossible. My husband tried every trick he knew, safe mode, hitting lots of buttons at various times, even loudly lamenting. Nothing worked

I made an analogy to my computer crash, this may be a stretch but play along. You know how over eaters on the Oprah show or The Biggest Loser all say that they had lost control over their eating that they felt like a slave to food? Couldn't that be just like a virus? We are helpless to stop it once it makes it through to us.

Everything I know about virus I learned in first grade. "Germs cause viruses, stay away from germs, wash your hands, cough into your sleeve, get plenty of rest, drink liquids etc."

Everything I know about fat loss I learned from the school of hard knocks. Viruses spread because we catch germs and bring them into our body. Hips spread for the same reasons. Too much food and not enough exercise causes fat. Keep bad food out of your kitchen and car. Wash your habits and change them for new ones. Warn friends and family that you are eating healthy and ask them to please encourage and not sabotage. Get plenty or rest 7-8 hours a night (fatigue makes me eat to stay awake and my defenses are down.) Drink fluids, having yummy drinks for treats makes you be able to reward without the terrible consequences of peanut m&ms. I keep gum in my kitchen to chew when I am making something I can't keep out of. When I watch t.v. and eat I become out of control, I am no longer consciously aware of how much I shovel in to my mouth. And the food wins. I need a no eating while watching rule.

Our computer has a firewall that filters out 99% of viruses and is on guard constantly. Our computer crashed anyway. Be careful, create a firewall against fatty food, keep bad food out of your house even if it is quicker and easier and "just for the kids - wink wink" If then one temptation does get through your firewall the damage will not be as bad as it could be.

This morning I caught a virus. My husband bought peanut m&ms. I should have sent them all to work with him, but I saved some "for the kids" I caught myself in them this morning (after all I am a child at heart) I can't over react. If I caught a flu virus I would never say "well I blew it. I might as well expose myself to Ebola and Scarlett fever" I would do all necessary to get better. The m&m virus will not get better if I throw oreos at it. I have to get rid of the germs, I have to make a plan, make a menu, eat better, not give up. Get back on the straight and narrow and then follow it.

My posts will be a bit sparse until my computer is fixed, so good luck one and all. Stay healthy, be hopeful and eat well!

The day after the Marathon

2007-12-03T07:00:00.001-08:00

My sister-in-law Megan posted this and then talked of her marathon experience. I love the idea that people can push themselves beyond what they find they are capable.

The fact of the matter is a work out is just that - work. No one in their right mind sweats and smiles at the same time. When someone tells me they don't work out because they hate to exercise I think, "What's your point? What does hating it have to do with doing it? Do you think hating gives you special permission to get out of jail free? NO!!

As a mother we would never use that excuse "I am sorry baby, I hate changing diapers", or "I am sorry family I hate to feed you". We do things we don't like every day and we do them for the pay off that comes later, i.e. lack of diaper rash and a call from CPS, or having malnourished children.

Add exercise to your must do list and not just a stroll. Sweat, breathe hard, make yourself uncomfortable. The reality check is that I hate to exercise too, but I love being able to not pull a shirt out of the rolls on my back.

I quote the Young Women's General Presidency once again..."We can do hard things" So ladies if you will excuse me, I have a work-out to get to, anyone care to join me?

Keep on Running

2007-11-28T11:25:00.000-08:00

One year ago last August my sisters and I were part of a relay team in the "Portland to Coast" relay walk itis a 24 hour relay walk divided up into 4-7 mile segments, each of us completing 2 segments, about 12 hours apart. This walk is a lifestyle for some, and there are cultural rituals I was unaware of. Passing someone on the road is called a "roadkill". Follower vans have the numbers of kills made by the teams written on the windows. People dress up crazy, cars honk and wave cheering their teammates on. We slept in an open field under the stars with hundreds of others, sharing a long line of port-a-potties. It was insane and wonderful. I loved all of it, and was caught up in the competition. The first round I was roadkill to no one and I was determined to keep it that way.

My second shift I was assigned to walk in the middle of the night on a dark windy country road. I decked out in gear from head lights to reflective tape to avoid becomming literal road kill.

I passed walkers one by one, smug in my killings. 3 miles in, I was alone on the dark road, or so I thought. Out of the corner of my eye I could see a light right on my tail. I cranked up my ipod and walked faster than I thought possible. She stayed right on me, I didn't want to turn around and give in, so I upped my pace. The light behind me increased its pace as well. She was relentless. Finally when I thought I could go no faster and was about to consent to defeat, I turned around. I was alone on the trail. My brother in law had put a light on the back of my hat I was unaware of. I was chasing myself.

So, I am an idiot who learned literally that my main goal is not to surpass others, but to surpass myself.

This morning on my run I was thinking about that lesson. A few mornings ago I had just completed my run ending on my killer hill and sat on my front step trying to keep from coughing up the lung I had just dislodged. Just then, the girl who 21 years ago stole my high school boyfriend jogged past me, up the hill while talking casually to her companions. She was beautiful, thin, and well dressed in a complete matching Nike outfit. I lowered my sweaty head so I would not be recognized.

In the past just such an experience would drive me to discouragement and ice cream, consoling myself with the thought of her probably having an unhappy marriage and bratty children. Now, I am coming to a new awareness and confidence.

5 kids have not been kind to my stretchy stomach and marked up thighs but I have legitimate laugh lines, I have all that I need, and I am becoming content in the fact that I am only in a race against myself, and that though I am capable of doing better and pushing harder "The race goes not to the swiftest but he who keeps on running" (unknown)

I will keep on running. I will not look back to see what the competition is doing because that leads to either despair at my loss, or a false victory where others fail so I can win. There will always be someone smarter, faster, thinner, and better dressed. I can't worry about it, they are not my competition, I am. I will look only forward to obtain my goals and hope to bring as many with me as I can.

Damage Control

2007-11-26T06:40:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving morning I awoke, went for my run, cleaned my home, made rolls, broccoli salad, and Jello. Getting ready for my shower, I stepped on the scale, showered and basked in the glow of being exactly 135 on the scale. I was cocky I think.

Thanksgiving Armageddon, the day after. 137.5. two and a half pounds gained in one day. Holy smoke. My lovely sister Carrot Jello did a thanksgiving to make Martha blush. Everything was so good, and we kept being plied with treats, who can resist toffee peanuts? Not only that, I couldn't stop eating pumpkin pie because "The Biggest Looser" said it had the least calories compared to other pies. I ate enough to make the other pies seem healthy.

Reeling I laid on my bed, not at the fact I was 137.5, I have seen that number many times before. Just that I hopped up there so quickly. Lost in a sea of guilt, pity and grief I wailed a confession to my husband. "It's over, next thing you know I will hit 200. I hope you enjoyed me while you could, time to buy the fat wardrobe again."

It was then he pulled out the graph. I have talked about it before. My engineer oriented husband (they think differently than most.) Had graphed out my weight loss, showing a consistent loss even though the descent jumped up, down and plateaued at times. He rested his case, and I relaxed.

The point is, I come short of perfection. I am helpless left alone both in dieting and life. On my own I am nothing but a human garbage disposal. I love to eat and it shows. When I team up with the Lord, and get back on the trail he leads me on I am safe. I strayed, I let go of the iron rod, but just like the prodigal son I am welcomed back.

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest, Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matt 11:28)

"Work Hard - Eat Fat"

2007-11-18T17:39:00.000-08:00

Last week I had a minor nervous breakdown, nothing serious, just a mom thing, so I didn't post much. Sorry. I am also going to have this post be my last until next Monday morning. I am sure you are all just as busy and won't even miss me.

Saturday, a very thin mom in my ward said that her grandma taught her "Work Hard, Eat Fat". Jennifer If you are listening thank you for putting my whole philosophy into four words.

Every morning when the alarm goes off I cannot see myself exercising. I don't have better words to put it, but the action seems impossible. I have mentioned time and time again how I have to get dressed in a trance like state in complete denial that I am about to go out in to the cold dark morning and make myself sweat. I just love to eat. That is what gets me out.

I love eating through the holidays. Bringing back memories through taste is probably not the healthiest way, but it is wonderful during December. If I am consistent in exercising, the damage I do eating down memory lane is repairable.

If I exercise more and try to eat a bit better my holiday skirt will not cut off circulation to my toes. Some recipes I can make a bit healthier, I can give away more of, or I can try sabotage. Sabotage for me is easy, I hate walnuts, they make my mouth itch, so I through a handful in tempting food. Of course I do this only where appropriate i.e. if I make fudge I try to make it with walnuts. I will eat it anyway, but the act of sucking the fudge off the walnuts takes a bit longer and makes me a bit more thoughtful.

Good luck this Thanksgiving, enjoy it, I hope it is wonderful for each of you, just don't forget to get a workout in first thing Thursday morning. I know you hate to get up on a holiday, but I know you are the same people who will get up early Friday and subject yourself to hell in the form of a six a.m. sale at Wall Mart. It is possible, I don't want to hear any excuses. Get your priorities right. "Work Hard - Eat Fat" is better than "Sleep in - Eat Celery"

Atomic Bouffant

2007-11-14T18:42:00.000-08:00

I have thick hair. It is a simple fact that thick hair permed grows up and out. When perms were in their heyday I was seen every three months at the salon. More than one stylist tried talking me out of a perm, but I wanted those spiral ringlets that were so popular. I wanted to look like Elizabeth Shue on "Karate Kid" Each stylist had a different way to try to control my mane, each stylist had ways of telling me the truth that I would not listen to. "Maybe we should layer it so we don't have such a full triangle" "Lets thin this mess out" or "What about short hair?" "Careful or you could be mistaken for Rosanne-rosanna-danna" I would not listen, I could not be stopped.

One of my boyfriends saw me right after a perm and called my hair style the "atomic bouffant" Each time we would go out he would comment on the size of my hair that day. I took it as a compliment and blushed.

Then reality hit. I went to Carrots wedding feeling beautiful with my frizzy mane. Pictures were taken, It was a glorious day. It wasn't until I saw the pictures that reality hit me. Ugly orange frizzy hair that obstructed peoples view covered my head. There must have been a mistake, I didn't really look like that did I? I had a White woman's fro. And I had been doing this for YEARS!!! It was my next to last perm. (I had a weak moment while pregnant once, it looked just as bad)

My hair still gets big. The picture above was taken at my daughters baptism in May. Once again I thought that my hair looked good, the picture told me otherwise, it was huge. I have now made a pact with my husband, He has to tell me in a nice way if my hair has grown to large. He has agreed to do so.

How does my big hair relate to a big bum? I was watching reruns of "The Biggest Loser season one". Each person was faced with life size cutouts of what they had looked like when they came to the ranch. The contestants said things like: "I thought I looked good" "I never thought I was that fat" "I can't believe I got that big" Those are the exact thoughts that I had. The whole time I was getting fat I would just look in smaller and smaller mirrors. I did my hair and make up beautifully and dressed nicely, I thought that even though the scale said 205, I was the genetic abnormality that had heavy bones, No way did I look that fat.

Remember when Elizabeth Taylor lost all of her weight in the early nineties? I saw her interview and she said she stood completely naked in front of a three way mirror and that was enough to turn her to healthy eating. I did just that and it was amazing. My eyes were opened, rolls of fat everywhere? No way, where did it come from? How did my bum get so large? It is a sad fact but we see what we want to see.

The Book of Mormon is full of stories of people turning a blind eye to reality. "...Satan had full power over the hearts of the people; for they were given up unto...the blindness of their minds.." (Ether 15:19) Heavenly Father constantly shows us our weakness so that we can address them and become strong in the becoming. Gaining weight is just that, a weakness and can truly lead to a spiritual journey.

I have heard the term "A healthy dose of reality" As long as reality does not lead you to despair but to hope and excitement and leads you to see the new path you are going to walk it can be a really useful tool. Be happy, be humble, be hopeful, and excited. Who doesn't love a improvement project? "I may be fat but I have a plan... wait till you see me in three months!"

Bran Muffins and a link

2007-11-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

Fridays I try to post a healthy recipe. My sister-in-law has a wonderful recipe for bran muffins (I fixed the link). I hope you like them.

Marc is my brother and Megan is his wife. They are a wonderful couple who are hoping to adopt. I beg anyone who knows of a potential birth mother to check out their blog and see just how great they are. I admire the two of them so much, both are spiritual, artistic, successful, kind, generous, loving and would be the best parents in the world. (I am just about to ask them to adopt me!)

Have a great weekend and include Marc and Megan in your prayers!

(The first link is to their blog, the second to their website)

An idea

2007-11-08T07:28:00.000-08:00

I keep hearing of bacteria that mutate and make themselves immune to antibiotics that had formerly been successful. My fat does that too. I can just get eating figured out then I mutate and I find a whole different way to justify eating the entire content of my pantry and freezer.

So, I keep a notebook. I am not a scrapbooker which drives me crazy, I am ok with journaling, but my fatty notebook is great. I buy any magazine that has women who have lost 1/2 their sizeon the cover. I love to get new ideas. Once gal, Alicia Forde said this:

"When I sit down to a meal I eat my favorite things first - for me, saving the best for last just makes me crave more. I also avoid snacking because I have trouble stopping once I get started."

She lost 152 lbs in 17 months. I think its a great idea.

Another idea comes from Shelley Napier who lost 120 lbs:"

I'm a real planner. I carry around protein bars, because if I don't, my hunger takes over and I end up in line at a bakery. When I'm cooking, I splash Tabasco sauce on everything - the spicy kick makes me eat slower, so I don't consume as much."

I like my fat book, when times get tough, and I don't have any more tricks up my sleeve I look to others who have succeeded and let their ideas pull me along. It only takes one change a day to lose weight and create a healthy life. We don't have to figure it out by ourselves, others can do it for us (the figuring anyway).

Father Knows Best

2007-11-06T08:16:00.000-08:00

My mom left her scriptures at my house on Sunday. The ones she uses are my fathers. I was browsing through them looking at the passages he highlighted and commented on. Inside the book of Job I found a folded up scrap of paper that said this:

"When and if you get a priesthood blessing to be free from excess fat and its potential ill effects - listen and feel for the promptings that will come from Heavenly Father as a result. They will be inspired promptings - not promptings to follow the incorrect precepts of man."

After suffering from arthritis, shortness of breath and having to walk with a cane, My dad in his fifties decided to get healthy. He exercised, changed his diet and lost a lot of weight. He looked like a changed man. He no longer needed a cane, he could ride a bike, walk, hike and had so much more energy. The impact on his friends and patients was huge. Each asked him how he did it, and wanted him to write a book. My mothers house if full of notebooks containing his ideas he was going to compile and turn into a book after retirement. Unfortunately he died 2 weeks after he retired from dentistry.

I am publishing a bit of his wisdom on this blog. I had no idea he shared my idea of getting a priesthood blessing for help with losing weight. My husband said "you are so much like your dad!"
Thanks Mel that is a great compliment.

duh ralph

2007-11-02T11:17:00.000-07:00

duh
Main Entry:
duh
Pronunciation:
\ˈdə, usually with prolonged ə\
Function:
interjection
Date:
1966
1 —used to express actual or feigned ignorance or stupidity 2 —used derisively to indicate that something just stated is all too obvious or self-evident

I just caught myself saying "duh....". The word in my mind conveys a drooling pre-pubescent with or without braces and plenty of zits showing their mental superiority. I can't believe it came back. I wonder how much I have said it without realizing that the word is back in my vocab. While saying it as the zit faced girl I drew out the U and made the inflection go up and down like a roller coaster; "duuuuuhhh" I said it this way if I wanted to be especially emphatic. Sometimes the word was used with "Ralph" as in "duh Ralph" even if the person addressed was not named Ralph. Inside the deep reaches of my brain dusty synapses type out a code telling me that this phrase came from Happy Days, Potsie saying it to Ralphie, or was it Joanie?... Could this be right? However it came to be, it covered the airwaves of the late seventies and early 80's.

The word conveys superiority, as in "I already knew that", or "isn't it obvious?" Lets say you are sitting in front of a bag or multiple bags of Halloween candy and someone says "Are you going to eat that?" you could reply "duh" as in "do you really have to ask?"

The problem with being a homemaker is that you are home. So is the candy. You have no chance resisting. Don't even try. You have to come up with something else. This is what I urge you to do:

Donate to the Bishops candy jar. As a former Bishops wife I can say that filling up that thing gets expensive, but is great P.R. Who knows - doing a good deed for the bishop could add a pool to your mansion on high.
Give your children the speech that all candy left in a place which can be found will be confiscated and flushed.
Pack candy up in a box, wrap it with duct tape and place in the back of spouses car. This can be retrieved for stocking stuffers at Christmas time. This will keep you away from the justification you will come up with when faced with chocolate Santas, and mint Hershey kisses while grocery shopping.
Set a time limit - 3 days, 5 days, 1 week. Let candy magically disappear. If you are too sentimental get your husband to do it, let him be the bad guy. Give him the incentive of a beautiful wife in a beautiful body, he will be sure to jump on board and help you out.
If you are thrifty and hate to throw anything out get over yourself. Candy is the symbol of Halloween. The holiday is over. Time to pack up the pumpkins throw the candy out and move on to Veterans day.

Come up with other ideas, share them, each of us need the help. We are in danger. "Are you going to eat that?" Don't fool yourself. The answer unfortunately is "duuuuhhh".

The Game

2007-11-01T08:36:00.000-07:00

6 years ago yesterday morning my dad died suddenly and unexpectedly of a pulmonary embolism. Shock, pain and grief cloud my memories of the day. Halloween for me is a time of mixed emotions. I have many wonderful memories of trick or treats but one big cloud. The day my dad died I went shopping, trying to find some food to feed my incoming family. I couldn't believe that there were people dressed up and celebrating. I wanted the world to stop and acknowledge the passing of this great man.

During that time I used anything and everything I could get as a outlet for grief. That included sleep, tears, food, anger, humor, loud music, prayer, scriptures, friends and family. I tried to tap off some of the pressure I felt from the fullness of pain. I was willing to try anything.

I came up with a subconscious game. It is a game of sabotage, it only requires one person, one temptation and a pain I want to be distracted from. It is played like this: While alone I think, "I am not hungry - I don't even want to eat cake, I have no desire for that chocolate cake sitting on the table," After awhile my thoughts change to, "I am going to eat it, I am going to take a fork and eat the whole thing....no idea why, it just seems like the wrong thing to do and I am going to do it." Then the cake disappears. The next stage in the game goes like this: Guilt and pain say "You are such a fat cow, I bet you will even eat those tortilla chips won't you? You know you aren't hungry but you will..." and then I do. The game goes on and on until sick, disgusted or both.

A thin beautiful friend told me once that the rules to losing weight are simple. Eat less and exercise more. She told me that she didn't understand why people had such a hard time with it - they should just stop putting food into their mouths. The game isn't ingrained in her head.

I still catch myself playing the game when bored, lonely, sad, overwhelmed or exhausted. I don't want to, it is not a conscious decision - I am playing it before I even realize it. That is why I teach sabotage. When I get to the stage where the first bites are taken it is almost too late. Sometimes I can catch myself and destroy the enemy washing it down the sink, other times I am helpless.

To sabotage the game routine is important: I exercise every morning. I try to only have things on hand that I can eat. I try to protect myself by not having a cake on the counter. But the most important step for sabotage is to be aware of the thing I am distracting myself from. It could be something simple like procrastinating paying bills or cleaning house, or harder like an unresolved fight, hurt feelings, or guilt. Each thing usually has a better solution than shoveling food into my mouth. Being aware of what I am hiding from can be the first step to fixing it. Asking Heavenly Father for help is the second. I have now asked for things some may think silly, help with house work, help to get the desire to apologize, or help to want to read the scriptures. Each time I pray I am answered. The list of things that Heavenly Father can fix is endless, but not always instant. Sometimes he won't fix the problem, sometimes he will just offer me peace. If I am willing to take that I can be changed.

I was blessed with a wonderful father. I am blessed with a perfect Heavenly Father. Each want me to be happy. When I was a girl I fell a lot. If I needed a band aid I could always count on my dad to have one in his wallet. He would pull it out, place it on my wound and I would feel better. Now I am a woman and my dad isn't around. I still have a father who is willing to soothe me with a band aid of peace. He will come to my aid if I but ask. The help he gives is a million times greater than the distraction the game gives

Happy Halloween

2007-10-31T07:49:00.000-07:00

This is it girls. The kick of of the eating season. All I can say is:
"Ere you left your room this morning, did you think to pray?"

2007-10-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

I am sick - chewed gum spit out and resting on the bottom of a shoe sick. I have a cold, slight fever and am nauseous.

The ironic thing is - I keep wanting to step on the scale and see if I lost any weight due to this unfortunate condition. I am not unaware of the naughtiness of this. Do you remember in "the Devil Wears Prada" where a very thin girl says - "I am just a stomach flu away from my goal weight" She seems so happy about it too, and I can relate.

I guess in times of weakness it is good to look for the silver lining - and yet I think it does make me reflect on my desire to be thin. Really the main motivator was to be healthy, and I knew that losing weight was the way to get there. My knees hurt, my back hurt, and in all of our family pictures I am sitting or lying on the couch watching others. I felt heavy, depressed, and tired.

Altering our body does not bring about true beauty. If you don't feel beautiful now, you aren't going to feel beautiful later when you reach your goal. I needed to be reminded that my main goal was not to fit into a size 4, but to develop strength and character by identifying weaknesses and receiving help from the Lord. For months after I reached my goal weight I looked in the mirror and cringed, expecting to see my fat self. I didn't feel different, why should I expect to look different? I was under the impression that by losing weight I would be a new person - isn't that what Oprah keeps saying?

It is important for me to not associate being thin with being beautiful, Watching the General Relief Society Presidency speak a few weeks ago I saw beauty, and I am sure there were no implants, botox, fad diets and body parts being pulled, lifted, sucked out or otherwise altered. I was rolling through the channels and saw a show called "Real Housewives of Orange County" These women were the antithesis to the beautiful sisters who talked of hope, love, faith and our Savior Jesus Christ.If I look at my successes and failures as tests and trials, it is easier to be happy with the person I see in the mirror because true self worth is not built by the outside appearance but the inside character. I lost weight, but I am still the same person. If I was shallow before, no beauty treatments will ever make me deep.

Instead of dieting maybe we should say we are building character by learning self restraint, caring for our stewardship, discipline, and the miracles of prayer and receiving answers. The great side effect is that we shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures; and shall run and not be weary, walk and not faint." (D&C 89:20)

White Noise

2007-10-25T07:20:00.000-07:00

I have a condition called tinitus. It means that there is a constant ringing in my ears. The only time I really notice it is at night when the whole house has gone to sleep and it is quiet. If I focus on the sound I can't sleep, and it makes me crazy. I have developed a coping mechanism. I turn on white noise. White noise distracts me from the sound, I can listen to the radio, a fan, my husband reading to me, or even his breathing as he sleeps. By doing this I am distracted and can fall asleep. I love white noise, I think I would be a tired grumpy mess without it.

I have another condition I call lazy eating machinitis. It means that I do not naturally desire to eat healthy or exercises. There is a constant yearning in my soul to eat everything even when I am not aware of it. Sometimes it can get so bad I see a pan of brownies, I stand by the pan of brownies, and then bam... the brownies are gone. During the times that this condition hits the hardest I used to give up, stuff my face, sleep in, get more depressed, eat more, lay on the couch more, etc. I would rather have tinitus.

When I decided to fight this illness I had to find "white noise" to get the constant suggestions my disease (lazy eating machinitus) impales me with. I put gum in the kitchen drawers, in my van and in my purse. Chewing gum is great white noise. During the week before my period I am hit hardest. The white noise for me then is to not grocery shop when I am hungry, or not grocery shop at all. For this you need a supportive friend or spouse, get them to pick up the necessities.

White noise can also include: taking a shower or bath when you would normally be watching tv with a bowl of ice cream screaming for your attention, Taking the kids to a park and having a picnic with portioned out meals for each of you, or watching tv in a room other than the one next to the kitchen. Prayer and scripture study are both wonderful ways to distract you from cravings as well.

One white noise success story just happened. For my anniversary I found on my table 16 beautifully written cards (one for each year of our marriage, one for the future) a dozen roses, fruity pebbles and a people magazine. This white noise came in response to the pleading I make when particularly ill, telling him that it is chocolate that makes me happy. I had to change my song. I came up with something else that makes me happy, and it is getting a magazine I can't justify buying for myself, and my favorite childrens cereal which is still better for me than a basket full of truffels.

I know I am not alone in fighting lazy eating machinitis. We cant forget it is a deadly disease. When it screams at you to stay in bed when the alarm goes off an extra hour early for a walk, Get a distraction, plug your ears and say "I can't hear you!", get a favoirte motivational song or a have your husband kick you out of bed.

This is a diesase that I will always have. I manage it now. It can be done. "Race for the Cure."

Celinda loves Mel

2007-10-22T20:29:00.001-07:00

I have to use my real name and not my alias. Today is a special day. I can't say Calamity loves General Wolfe, it doesn't have the same feel.

15 years ago, the night of October 22, 1992 Mel called Celinda and sang "I'm getting married in the morning. He said he had always wanted to do that" October 23rd Mel married Celinda in the Seattle Temple. I am Celinda and am the girl Mel picked.

Mel, 16 years ago you found me on the fifth floor in the Library and tried to come up with an opener. You said "Hey, Celinda I was wondering if you had a calculator." Very unconventional, but a good line for an engineer and former math major (what were you doing without a calculator?) it was not too sexy, not too bold. Me being the psych major had no need or desire for one but I wanted to keep you around. I told you I had been meaning to buy one, and wouldn't you go with me to pick one out? You were tall, I loved your shoulders your green eyes, cute mushroom cut hair and wire rim spectacles. I was intrigued by your foreign accent and your tendency to spell random words with an e on the end - i.e. centre. I loved that you said the word Eh at the end of sentences and that you wore a fisherman sweater and timberland boots. I loved your kindness and your brain - Who else knows why the inside of a cars windows get wet when it is cold outside? My roommates had been talking about you for weeks and I was amazed that I was the one who got your pick up line. I loved sitting next to you in church and hear you sing the bass part, I loved your voice and loved to hear you speak. I loved feeling your arm muscle flex as you held the hymn book - did you do that on purpose because my hand was there? I loved that you took me to see Madam Butterfly and The Marriage of Figaro - the things I loved you loved too.

Remember when you told me you knew that I was the one you wanted to marry? You were wearing your charcoal wool jacket, tan pants and saddle oxfords. You looked so handsome with your striped shirt and green tie with the leaf print. My heart beat out of control. I remember taking it to the temple and getting an answer - Yes! I had the go ahead to follow this dream! When you finally proposed to me (with the ring I had hurried and put a deposit on while you were away - I didn't want to take any chances) I screamed and kept jumping up and down. I couldn't contain myself. I loved the way my life was turning out. I hadn't ever been so excited and happy. When I bought that grey solar calculator on the bottom floor of the BYU bookstore I could have never guessed it would be the best purchase of my life.

Today I tried posting our song "Unforgettable, the song we listened to while studying in the LRC, but it took me over an hour to fail, and you kept coming in asking me what I was doing, so I gave up. I tried to scan a wedding picture, but you always do that, enabling my complete computer dorkiness. So Mel, sing our song in your head and picture our day and know I love you. You have made my life better, more full, more delicious, more fun. You are my knight and I am forever your petunia, thanks for the dance.

"Be Of Good Cheer"

2007-10-21T20:55:00.000-07:00

I weigh myself every morning right before getting in the shower. When I was in the thick of trying to lose weight, there were mornings that I stepped on the scale and didn't get any thinner, or even went up in weight. It devastated me. My natural reaction was to first be depressed and fatalistic, then gradually move to unrealistic. I made big plans while washing my hair. It went like this:

"Oh no! This is terrible, I am never going to get past this stage. I am always going to be fat. Stupid fat, stupid me, why did I eat that cake yesterday?"
Then:
"I know - I just won't eat anything today - that will get me back to where I want to be...Great idea..."

The next step I would sabotage my dumb plan, like this:
"O.K., no breakfast, no big deal" then a bit later "I didn't eat anything, just this muffin won't hurt, oh, so good, maybe just one more, they're small, and then I won't eat anything else." Later I would think "It's bad to not eat a whole day, I should have lunch" and then justify a rather large enchilada with cheese, salad, & veggies.

By three I would completely forget all about my plans made in the shower, and eat the cookies dunked in milk alongside with my kids (fellowship - solidarity). By dinner I would feel guilty and eat extra to quiet my inner voice. Dessert? I blew it anyway, I might as well give up and start tomorrow... Then the whole thing starts again.

Jorge Cruise has a book called "8 Minutes In The Morning". His main idea is that by eating healthy and doing weight resistance you can lose up to 2 pounds a week. I used some of his ideas when I was in the thick of things. He addresses the problem I just talked about by using the example of Forrest Gump using what he calls "Result-Driven Questions". He says"

"Instead of asking himself, 'Why am I disabled' 'What's wrong with my legs?' or 'Why am I slower than all the other kids?' he asks questions such as, 'Why did God make me so special?' or 'Why am I so lucky to have these magic shoes?' or 'How do miracles happen everyday?"
By asking Result-Driven Questions, you are actually unable to focus on things that make you depressed or unmotivated. You have no option but to see things in a way that empowers you.
If you ask negatively driven questions such as "Why is it so difficult for me to lose weight?' or 'Why can't I lose weight?' or "What's my problem?' your answers will reveal all of the reasons why you can't lose the weight and will make you feel worse. Using RDQ's will give you the power to direct what you see and hear; they direct your emotions toward the results you want. You need to read and think about RDQ's each and every day.
Examples of this are: "What joy will I feel when I attain my ultimate body?
"How incredible will my life become when I am leaner?" "What extraordinary things will people say to me when I am leaner?" "What can I do today so that my weight loss plans run smoothly?" "How can I continue to create a weight loss support network?"

To this day I have a tendency to ask myself negative questions. I like writing this blog because I am reminding myself of something important. Tomorrow, If I don't like what I see because of weekend overindulging I am going to say, (in an optimistic voice) "well CJ, I am thinner than I was 2 years ago, I really did some good things and am well on my way to making this a lifestyle. I have succeeded in harder things than this, and I have God in my corner."

"...be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you...Pray always that you enter not into temptation..."D&C 61:36,39

I Love to Eat with Friends

2007-10-19T11:23:00.000-07:00

Calamity Jane has asked me to share my thoughts on how I love to eat. Because I really do!

My family loved to eat. In the summer we had piles of food at dinner (farm talk for what we eat at noon), and delicious suppers at night to keep us fueled for the hard work we had to do. We ate our beef through the winter along side our winter squash.

My dad would sit at the table and I would sit with him. We would talk. Eating was a joint experience that our family partook in - it was a communal and bonding experience.

One day, I became and engineer and began working for a German company, remotely located in Seattle. I loved going to Munich and driving really fast on the Autobahn; but even more, I loved the eating attitude of my European friends.

I can remember the first time we entertained some clients in Seattle.

We sat down to eat at the Metropolitan Grill, hosting a variety of aerospace bigwigs, and my German boss began to talk. Sooner or later we had a small plate of something delicious come buy. I just had a bite. Yum. We talked more and enjoyed the evening. Then we had a small salad or soup. Then we talked more. We all ordered something, I had a delicious Fillet Mignon, which we ate at our leisure. By the time we went home 4 hours had transpired and we all had smiles on our faces.

I liked the food and we all enjoyed ourselves. Food must not be the enemy.

D&C 89:10,11 And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome herbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man - Every herb in the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof; all these to be used with prudence and thanksgiving.

I think if you can stop, laugh, talk and enjoy the food with all the yummy herbs and spices that the Lord has given us and give Him thanks - He will be glad and so will we.

Diet Diet No Diet FUNNY

2007-10-18T08:51:00.001-07:00

Oh how real this feels sometimes!

Finding Holiness

2007-10-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that in him I can do all things that are necessary to be a good mother. But sometimes it is hard to put that knowledge into practice.

As I look around my house I feel depressed, it is cold and rainy outside, there are smudges on walls, laundry spilling out of every hamper, and pee behind every toilet (I just can't seem to impress upon my four year old the importance of aiming.) I am ready to curl up in a nice warm spot with a good book, and a gallon of chocolate ice cream (good thing I stopped buying it). These are the days that make me fat.

I am grateful for good women who teach me. One talk during the 1996 women's conference sticks with me. Mary B. Kirk gave a talk called "Finding Holiness in Everyday Life. It was and is life changing. She says:

"If I want to understand and know the Savior, I have to say to him, "Come unto me. Visit me in my house, in my space on earth." And if he would come and be right there close by me, I could say, "Lord, what wouldst thou have me do?" I have a good imagination, so I can see the Savior coming up the steps with the faulty rail, standing on my porch, and gently knocking on my door, wanting to come in and bring some peace and joy to my whirlwind. .."

She then goes on to explain what she would show the Savior...She takes him from room to room, pointing out messes that symbolize children learning, family meals, and projects in which God given tallents are used.

"Come see my laundry room. See all these clothes? I know that many people need these worse than we do....the laundry pile can be discouraging at times.I'm so grateful to have hot, running water. That is the thing I am most grateful for...besides the Atonement...I know a lot of my brothers and sisters on earth don't have hot, running water - or even water. Today there are more clothes clean and folded than dirty and unsorted. When I work in here I can see work clothes and school clothes and play clothes and church clothes. Looking at these clothes I can see Jim hard at work to provide for us. I see one of my sons sitting on the deacons bench, getting ready to serve the sacrament. I see my other son running track in the rain and the mud. It's right there in the laundry room. I can see them. And I can see my girls playing dress-ups, pretending to be mommies and dancers and doctors and teachers and all those wonderful things. Imagining and dreaming..."

In Mosiah 18:12 Alma says, "Oh Lord, pour out thy spirit upon thy servant, that he may do this work with holiness of heart."
Instead of asking a bowl of ice cream to help and comfort, I need to ask the Lord.

"He'll sprinkle holiness into today, and we will find it. He will pour out his holiness upon us at the rate that we open our eyes and perceive, open our ears and understand, and open our hearts and invite him in" Mary B. Kirk

Dear Amy...

2007-10-15T20:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Amy, I like you, I like that you ran for two minutes. I like it a lot. I hope that your comment yesterday about running "two whole minutes" meant "hooray, two minutes more than I did yesterday!!" instead of "well, dang, I wasn't able to run a 5K today."

When we first moved into our new house the yard was empty. We had obnoxious neighbors and a short fence. We bought some rather weak excuses for trees but we planted them with the hope that one day our neighbors would be erased from our view.

It worked. 5 years later my neighbor can no longer stick his head over our fence and offer gardening, parenting, home owning advise. The 5 years pass whether or not you decide to do any changing or not. Might as well not worry about how long it will take.

Plant it and it will grow. Your two minutes will grow to four, then eight, then ten, then bam you are running a freaking 5k.

You go girl - hooray for you! I couldn't be more proud of you if I was your mother, (I'm practically old enough ... well, maybe your babysitter)

Just Don't Do It

2007-10-14T20:27:00.000-07:00

I hope I am not reaching you too late.

You know who you are. You are the ladies who look forward to Halloween more than the children. Any excuse for treats is a good excuse, you know what I mean...

"Oooh, I know children love Almond Joy's, I need to get the king size bag." Or "Reeses Peanut Butter Cups? Need to stock up on those, the little hooligans might egg my house if I don't give them chocolate". "No one likes a house without chocolate bars."

We are all guilty. I know because I use every reason I can to buy "fun-size" chocolate bars. I like fun, I like chocolate, we match. It doesn't help any when they are everywhere, the drug store, the grocery store, Target, Wallmart, Costco. Every day, sometimes twice a day I am faced with the spontaneous desire to stock up on candy bars. This urge is much stronger and for some reason makes more sense than the urge to buy wheat for a years supply.

We aren't fooling anyone, most kids would rather eat a bag of sour patch kids over Twix. It is strange, but give them the choice between chocolate bars or jaw breakers they will go for the potentially dangerous jaw breaker, they live life on the edge. They are odd. It is a definite generation gap. They do not have the consuming need or desire for chocolate, your desire to buy it is for you, not your neighbors kids you don't even like. I in fact find that I save the good stuff for me and give the obnoxious neighbors the bottle caps and tootsie rolls.

Don't do it, do not buy candy you like, if you grab it and put it in your cart - stop - throw it out right there in the aisle with a dramatic toss and a banshee scream. Buy a bag of dum dums. If you already have the stuff in your house it is time to make gift bags for the ladies you visit teach (the skinny ones, let them deal with it) and deliver it right away. Donate it to the Bishop for his candy jar - that is an expensive thing to keep full. Or, if it is a real emergency you can flush it.

You don't need to taste it, you already know it is yummy, you have tasted it before. It isn't like you are embarking on a new experience. (If however you have never had Tobolarone, by all means...) You aren't denying yourself the experience if you have already had it. "Been there, done that" is what you should say.

Treat it like Kryptonite, Poison, "Danger Will Robinson!" Alarms should sound. When you were a kid playing with magnets, didn't you try to see how close you could get them before they snapped together? Ultimately at the end of the experience they become one. We ladies and chocolate are like those magnets, get one king size bag of snickers and us on a bad day and SNAP! we are one. At about 3:00 I find myself hunting unconsciously for the spawn of Satan candy. If it is there and I am there, we always end up together. I would be fooling myself if I invited the stuff into my home and said he was just visiting the kids. NOT TRUE.

When I put my gloved hand into mud I do not say the mud got all glovey (I heard that somewhere and have been dying to use it) , When I put chocolate into my mouth I cannot say the chocolate got all Calamity, I get all chocolaty, I will reap what I sow, I will instantly put on weight (do you know you can gain 5 lbs in just one bad week? - experience teaches me that)

Don't fool yourself, don't do it, just say no - buy the sour skittles, they are nasty, just what kids love.

If Your Face is Ugly - Learn to Sing...part 2

2007-10-11T21:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning 5:15 a.m. I heard the rain. I groaned inwardly (I am not sure what that sounds like, but I have never heard anyone use the term "groaned outwardly") I live in the northwest and the rains have begun. Rain makes it harder to get out the door, and easier to justify staying in bed. Cold also makes a wonderful excuse, and I love a good excuse. The problem is that while excuses bring instant gratification in the short term, they aren't going to make your bottom any smaller.

I try hard to keep my "no excuses" policy and go out no matter what (although I do long for the nice warm gym.) It really helps to pray the night before for the desire and ability to go out. I am still not at the point where I jump out of bed excited to run, rain or shine, but I am working on it. I believe one day I will get there, I am trying to say to myself "if the weather is ugly, learn to sing - in the rain". Fake it till you make it baby.

So today for you today, my take on the saying is, "if you are cold from a rainy run, make soup."

Try this recipe: It is dark and spooky, perfect for halloween, delicious with a sour cream ghost on top! Have a great weekend.

Black and Brown Soup
(Black bean and brown rice)

6 cups black beans
4 cups beef broth
1 1/2 cup cooked brown rice
1/4 cup olive oil
1 large onion chopped
4-6 cloves of garlic
1 1/2 tsp cumin
1 1/2 tsp oregano
2 tsp salt
2-3 Tbls red wine vinegar

Whirl 2 cups beans with 1 cup broth until smooth, set aside

In large pot, saute in 1/4 cup olive oil:
1 large onion chopped
4-6 cloves of minced garlic
add:
1 1/2 tsp cumin
1 1/2 tsp oregano
4 cups beef stock
4 cups black beans
1 1/2 cups cooked brown rice
add whirled beans and broth
4 cups black beans
1 1/2 cups cooked brown rice
2 tsp salt
2-3 Tbls red wine vinegar
cook, and serve with fat free sour cream.

Grandmas Carrot Cake

2007-10-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

My mom made grandma Jingle Bells carrot cake last week. I found the last bit while cleaning out the fridge yesterday, I was left defenseless, I thought it was gone. I love this cake with its impossibly thick butter icing. I loved grandma Jingle Bells. What could I do??? I let go of restraint, I found myself during nap time (one does not have to share with sleeping children) in front of the TV with a plate of cake, (not a piece, but the remainder of the cake - quite a few pieces), a fork and a glass of milk. I was not hungry just nostalgic, I knew it was no good for me as I indulged, but she was my favorite grandma, I looked at this as a memorial service to her. More than just a few bites in I knew something "that felt so right was really so wrong" (I think that's a slow song) I knew I needed to stop, I was just helpless to resist. Bite by bite I reasoned it through...

Grandma is better remembered for her crinkly eyes, contagious giggle and smooth soft hands enveloping me in love. She called me twinkle toes, she was the best. What she is not is carrot cake. If I need a physical reminder I am going to have to settle for putting readers digests in my bathroom, pages marked in place with toilet paper. I got up and hurriedly turned the water in the sink and let the rest of the cake go into the disposal. It was hard, but my new boyfriend Mr. restraint promised me a present. I get to have a cup of peppermint tea with splenda to go with my favorite recorded show. Grandma loved Lawrence Welk, I have "Dancing With the Stars." ( I am a freaky Osmond groupie and fast forward every ones dances but Marie's and the race car drivers.) I hope I rid myself of the cake before it did too much damage.

Well, the tea wasn’t as good as the cake, but an hour later I couldn't remember either.

If your face is ugly learn to sing

2007-10-09T17:58:00.001-07:00

I was once told that by a young elder while I was serving as a missionary in Lyman Wyoming. I described Lyman in my Journal this way. "Here is where I am serving now...(insert drawing of stick figure pointing to arm pit)". Yea I said it, and I am not proud I said it. I will admit that my feelings were more based on homesickness for my wet, green western Washington than reality. I was young and not quite ready to realize the beauty in all things.

So, I was humbled by this Elder from Tonga. If he ever had reason to experience bad attitude it would be from experiencing his first winter in Rock Springs. Learning to sing when life placed challenges in his path was shown by his example of the pure fun and joy he exuded.

I threw myself into the work, I learned to work hard, and laugh. Every night I came home tired. At night I pleaded with the Lord to help me to want to wake up the next morning, I could never imagine I would be able to recover after feeling complete exhaustion. Yet every morning I woke feeling refreshed and excited (a miracle).

After 5 months in Wyoming I was ready to invest in a pair of ropers, some wranglers ("wrangler butts drive me nuts"), western shirts and a "rig" (cowboy talk for large truck), I made dear friends who I always think of at Christmas time when I get out the ornaments they made for me. I cried when I was transferred. I was transformed. I now love Wyoming! I love the high dessert, I love the smell of sage. I love that it snowed on the first of July. I love the ghost towns, the way people talk and the friendliness of small towns.

Dieting can be ugly. Giving up old eating habits caused a real period of mourning for me. I am not being dramatic. I felt depressed and sad that I had to change something that I loved. Eating brought me joy, a bright spot during the mundane tasks inherent in motherhood. I honestly looked forward to Relief Society Enrichment nights because of the food it came with. It really seemed like I was in love with the wrong guy and someone was making me give him up. I loved him but he was no good for me. So, I broke up with Mr. bad eating. I mourned, I moped, I felt sorry for myself. I even tried getting back together with this former flame, but he left me feeling bloated, uncomfortable and guilty.

Learning to sing in the face of ugly now means learning to enjoy a new kind of life. It includes prayer and many nights of learning, reading, studying, and hard work. I have to learn to laugh in the face of an eclair. I have to learn to stay on the opposite side of the room when a buffet calls.

There is a reason that the proverbial Fat lady sings - she just had a whole Oreo cookie pie and feels wonderful, but when she got home she found out that she has a headache from too much sugar and the new jeans she just bought don't fit anymore. The skinny lady sings too, she learned to substitute applesauce for oil in baking, she uses fat free pudding instead of frosting on cake, she says no to seconds and carefully plans ahead every meal of the day. She is singing because she just went to the store and found out she could kiss Lane Bryant goodbye, .

Do I miss eating with reckless abandon? I say that I do, but really I have learned a different way to enjoy food. I enjoy it just as much, I just enjoy less of it, which I then enjoy for longer. I was shocked to find myself loving Wyoming, I am shocked to find that eating better is possible and enjoyable. I have finished my mourning period, I am done moping, life is still fun, life is still full. I love my new life, I love my new boyfriend. (proverbial boyfriend Mel, I love you best.)

What I Do

2007-10-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

I love to blog, it sounds so much like I feel. Blah, blah, blah, blog. I am having a hard time finding time though, it is not like I am out of control running around, I can chose the things I want to do. It is just that I am such a dang perfectionist. It takes me 2 hours from conception to post. I think, think, write, erase, write, erase, post, walk around, think about what I said, realize most of it was stupid, erase, edit, I am a mess, but even worse, my kids hate it. I am getting the looks I am used to giving. I am going to go easy for awhile, try to loosen up, be less anal, I won't care about spelling and grammar so much if it is ok with you. So here is my random fat thought of today:

This morning when my alarm went off I was so mad. I mormon sweared "#@**&#@!!!" (saying the symbols instead of the actual words). I hate alarm clocks" I wanted to kick my husband. I refrained and said instead (sarcasm dripping off of my resentful voice) - "I wish I was you" His sleepy, happy, warm, cozy innocent reply smothered a bit by fluffy soft pillows, was "I don't understand why you aren't staying in bed either" and he went back to sleep.

I grumbled out the door, I grumbled and shivered some more and in this sour Monday mood I then asked why on earth skinny people do this on purpose. I thought of Bob, the trainer on biggest loser, I thought of the skinny people who read this blog. I ask myself - "why would someone the size of my pinky waste their time when they could be in a bakery???" "Why are there so many skinnies running around in my parade - they don't have to do this - why aren't they in bed? They really should be in bed, bed is wonderful." "I know why I have to run, but if I was naturally skinny I would never never never be out here."

Then came the aha. They are skinny because they are out here. They study and read and work out because they want to stay skinny. There are so many skinny people at the gym because they got that way being there. There are no naturally skinny people, just as there are no naturally fat people. We are what we chose to do.

That remarkable revelation came when I was about half way through my run. My attitude changed. I am out here because I want to be here. I don't love to run, but I do love to zip up my jeans and not "suck it in." I just taught my son how to do a flip on the trampoline. I did flip after flip, I loved the feeling of being able to fly again. I love being healthy.

Tomorrow I will not love to hear the alarm, I will grumble and debate the reasons my subconscious has for me that day to stay in bed, but I will go, I will breathe fresh air, I will feel a sense of accomplishment, I will teach my children, I will run, because that is what I choose to do.

p.s. That post took only 38 minutes. "Every day in every way I am getting better and better..." (annoying random quote I was forced to repeat millions of times at a high school leadership camp)

Just Because Things are So....

2007-10-05T06:34:00.000-07:00

I always have a hard time hearing about my husbands mission. He served in Venezuela. His pictures show him a young man, 6'3 and 170 lbs. He looks emaciated and noble, if his head was shaved and he was draped in white he could be a dead ringer for Gandhi. That is the spirit of sacrifice. One who is willing to go to a third world country and be served rice with bugs, black beans and soup containing chickens feet. Its obvious to me he was a good missionary because he really suffered...

When my papers went in I dreamed of a third world country. I longed for a parasite that I would then have to battle for the rest of my life, leaving me a beautiful thin woman suffering valiantly, "persecuted for the Lord". My wispy hair spread out on a chaise lounge while holding the scriptures to my heaving breast. "I only want to serve the Lord" I say in a weak voice overcome by the fatigue born by constant service.

I ended up in Utah, fat and happy, driving a red Chevy. I really loved my mission. It was a joy. 80% of the people loved us, and everyone fed us. Now just think, when you feed the missionaries don't you always feed them your best? Doesn't that include dessert - even in the middle of the week? Eating at members homes every night and every night after the best meal the family could prepare we were brought brought out cake, or pie, or ice cream. I wasn't raised to say no to such fare, and so not wanting to be rude and completely addicted to sugar, I indulged. One members home, I remember, didn't serve dessert. I was shocked, and kept waiting for the best course to come. When it didn't, I didn't think I could say "thanks for the meal" because I didn't consider it done. When I came home the family couldn't kill the fatted calf to celebrate because I was the fatted calf. The word "deseret" describes Utah as the "land of milk and honey" and is close to dessert, I think the two words should be interchangeable.

Returning home I greeted every meal with delight, which led to gradual disappointment. Why wasn't I served? More importantly, why wasn't I served dessert? What is this? Was this the hard transiton that I had always been warned returned missionaries experience? That girl had some changing to do if she was going to return to pre-mission weight.

Just because things are so, doesn't mean they are right, and a habit is hard to break. One example for me has always been the bowl of cereal in the morning. I have always eaten a bowl and then poured another - (fruity pebbles I could eat the whole box) One day the thought occurred to me that maybe I should be content with one serving seeing that I am really just one person, and would like to look like one. Wow - was that ever a change. I have learned to be satisfied with my one bowl and eat it slowly to savor it. (I just stay away from the pebbles even Barney can't keep away from.)

If I double check my eating, I can always find other traditions that aren't grounded in good choices. I really need to make an effort to stop rewarding myself and others with edible treats. This week I congratulated my son for winning senate and said when we were driving to scouts, "I am going to buy you a huge bag of M&M's" I caught myself and told Zac about how food isn't supposed to be a reward. He said, "I'd rather have gum anyway mom."

Getting healthy isn't about making one huge good decision it is hundreds of daily good decisions, It is about examining traditions, changing the bad ones and creating better ones.

Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy conference! Keep a pen and pad of paper in your hand instead of treats, because watching conference can be the best reason to eat and eat and eat while watching tv. (a previous tradition for me!)

the cupcake

2007-10-04T07:29:00.001-07:00

Watching biggest loser really made me want to scream. The trainers were asked to eat a cupcake with butter icing in order to give their team 15 minutes. They refused. The idiots.

I wanted to scream at them, I rolled my eyes, and made big disgusted sighs come out my mouth to the tv. I now know why I am not a trainer. I am just not that hard core. I kept thinking about wonderful ways to justify the cupcake, "you workout every day of your life" "what would a cupcake hurt?" "look at your people, they would love to eat the cupcake vicariously through you!" "eat the dang cupcake you skinny piece of white trash - who do you think you are? You can and yet you wont!" !

I pondered, I debated, I walked the floor, I figured it out, oh, the EXAMPLE thing, Bob said he had a cupcake last month, well, he qualified it to half of the cupcake, but he was trying to show people that temptations are passable, and that there is another way around them and even a little sin can lead to sabotage on the real goal.

I have been especially good at following my advise lately. The bag of chocolate kisses I had lying around last week - I hid. I hid them so good that when it was pms time I found myself ripping my kitchen apart frantically looking for a 5 minute chocolate peace buzz. I guess that is one of the good things about my advancing age, I can hide treats from myself and succeed. I had to laugh at the pathetic picture I was painting as a 39 year old pre menstrual mom searching for a bag of kisses. I gave up and had some hot chocolate instead.

The point is, the temptation was there, but my strategy worked, I out foxed myself. Hooray! I think that if I was the trainer I would have had to heavily salt and ruin the cupcake immediately. Even the garbage can would not have been a safe place to hide the luscious morsel when no one was looking. That is my season now, I am trickier than before, I can obsess about something tasty lying around, then I seek it out and destroy it by consumption. The secret for me to safe is to use the times I feel strong to protect the times I feel weak. I cannot ensure the safety of those kisses the day I find them. I just pray it is not 28 days from last Tuesday.

Doing the Best

2007-10-03T08:55:00.000-07:00

Another season I think is hard is the season when I feel stuck at home, it makes me fat. I get this feeling sometimes when I have sick kids, toddlers, babies, and of course lack of funds (If I don't go to the store, I won't spend money!) I get bored, I get tired, and complacent in the mundane tasks of motherhood. My hubby always comes home from work telling me the comments coming from the women he works with: "I could never stay home it would make me crazy!", or "I would get so bored!" I want to look at them with a bland face and say "your point is.....???"

Bored for a mother, or maybe it is just me, means that I have plenty to do, It just doesn't really seem pressing, and I don't want to do it. I know that my toilets could use scrubbing, my windows washing, I know I could be making cookies for my children and that my van could use a good mucking out, but.... if they don't get done....well, no big deal, the family will still function and if I mop now it will need another mopping tomorrow. I think to myself my children are no judge or jury, I think I will take today off and read, or watch my recorded shows, or be on the computer all day, and eat to my hearts content. There is no supervisor, no one to be really accountable to, just me and I get to do anything I want. I usually don't want to clean, I usually want to read, and eat.

Lets say however I am going to host book club, or have a baby shower, or invite complete strangers into my home. Then I am frantic, I storm from room to room cleaning like a mad woman, shouting orders, and spewing cleaning supplies all over the house.

I just found this entry which puts this horrible habit into perspective, which I need to remember once again: It is dated April 18th 2006

"I just woke up from a horrible dream. I had 2 little boys to take care of. One was Ethan my neighbors son 9 years old, the other Bruce, my 3 year old. We were by a flooded stream or river and I had to float the boys to safety. Ethans mother was really ill. I wanted to help her so I decided to take him first, even though he was much older. They were on a raft made of logslocked in place by an anchor. I rescued Ethan but had to tell Bruce to not move from the raft. he looked so little and was crying as I left him. I returned Ethan to his parents but it took longer than I had thought. I was sick thinking of what I had done, knowing that when I returned, Bruce might be gone, that I had left my son to be a hero to my neighbor. How could I have my priorities so skewed? Ethan was the older one, and could probably swim. He could have followed me while I saved my son. --Dream over.
Yesterday I spent the day making my house look nice for company I neglected my children in the worst ways. When Bruce cried I got angry, when he spit and hit Eliza I got angry. I can see how my son just needed me more than I needed to have a perfect house for my guests. I feel ashamed and humbled."

What does this have to do with weight loss? Well just this, when I don't have a schedule or a plan and I wing it I am left defenseless to my cravings. I am sure to do that which is most convenient to me. Please note, I am a mother of 5 and my time is claimed 85% of the time, so I justify taking it easy, too easy, when I get moments to myself. I know we aren't supposed to run faster than we have strength, but I barely crawl when I can get away with it.

As a missionary we were taught to plan every day out before we started. This way we wouldn't waste time and could be more productive. I always heard that a mission is a training ground for life, so applying the same principles are important. This is tricky when there are toddlers involved and we have to be realistic and flexible, but we do have to work, and do the best we can, not saying that as a call to justify, but a call to work. I find when I ask myself if I can do better, I usually can. I really shouldn't have time to watch tv during the day. "I have work enough to do, ere the sun goes down" (LDS Hymn #224)

I loved the Relief Society Broadcast, each speaker mentioned service, charity, and good works. One sister invited us to pray every morning "who can I help today?" Being anxiously engaged in good works leaves little time to sit, watch tv and eat.

I am not perfect in this principle as yesterdays food/tv/computer/book binge would prove, but to those of you who like me, find day to day housework and chores mundane, boring, and unchallenging, please know today I am trying harder, and will be better. I really think that if I can get my head around the fact that my home is a temple I would work harder to make it feel that way. I wouldn't feel stuck, but rather blessed to be anxiously engaged in a good work. I hear over and over that my home is a temple, especially to my children. That makes me a temple worker. As a temple worker, I have meaning, purpose and direction. Even cleaning the toilets in the temple is a service of love.

Holiness to the Lord.

"Because She is a Mother

2007-10-02T08:09:00.000-07:00

Our family is running a campaign for senator. My son Zac's motto is "a vote for Zac is a vote for greater happiness and peace" (His idea) The pictures were done by my brilliant husband. While we were making these, I had an epiphany, I am no longer in the "young mother" division of motherhood. Don't pity me, I have been looking forward to being 40 for years, ask anyone.

The days where I was raising three little ones with a husband who worked lots of overtime, had a busy calling and was taking classes for work hopefully are over. One night during that time on the way home from swimming lessons I drove home to an all dark house. I knew what was in store for me, more of the same, grumpy tired kids out of the car, grumpy tired kids forced to eat, to get jammies on and into bed, and I would be doing it all alone – again. My patience level was blinking the red warning light and so I kept driving until I could face the night routine. One of my favorite hymns at that time was "Abide with Me Tis Eventide" It was hard to do everything alone without bathing my insides with ice cream, so I pleaded with the Lord to be with me. On the nights I remembered to do that He would be there, but like everything, that was the trick, remembering I had a resource in Him.

It was during this young mother stage that I heard a talk that changed my attitude and I was so grateful, click here to read Elder Hollands talk entitled ""Because She Is a Mother" If you are a young mother, God bless you! If you are done with that, He already did - so pass on the wisdom.

I am off to laminate campaign buttons, have a great day.

Seasons Change

2007-09-30T21:06:00.001-07:00

I have been fat and thin alternately all through my life. I think of the times I have faced challenges in my life and it is easy to tell when those took place by looking to see in pictures when I was fat. Eating was the way I unknowingly faced those problems. Each time I lost weight I did so through diet and exercise, but the paths I took to get there were different. My husband reminded me of Nephi and all of the times he had to deal with Laman and Lemuel. He was led by the spirit using different means to accomplish the same purpose. Once he reasoned with them, once he inspired them, once an angel spoke to them, once he shocked them, and once his wife and other women pleaded to Laman and Lemuel in his behalf. Each solution fit the situation perfectly, Nephi couldn't have interchanged solutions because they were custom made for each particular challenge. Using the same strategy for each problem makes no sense for us as well. The problems I faced as a young mom were amazingly different from the challenges I face today, not harder or easier, just different. That is why Heavenly Father is so important. He can help customize solutions for every season in life.

My mind keeps coming to one particular season over and over, if I don't write about it I think I will be letting someone down. Before I was married I was a skinny, peppy, educated, well dressed returned missionary working at the MTC who had finally grown out her bad perm and had just gotten smooth longest ever (shoulder length) hair. I had a cute boyfriend, cute car, darling roommates and a tan. In just 2 years I became someone completely different, and it all had to do with becoming a mother.

My happily ever after ended right about the time my husband and I found out that I was pregnant. I really was excited about it, thrilled really, but I had no idea what hormones could do to a nice girl, and that eating wasn't going to solve it. Right before I gave birth to my first son I realized that I had gained a bit too much weight. Even after the baby came out I knew he would not be packing 60 pounds with him. I needed a plan, and thinking I could hide the 60 pounds by adopting Jane's short hair cut on "Melrose Place" (pictured above), I whacked all of my hair off . Somehow I reasoned that a cute short hair cut would make me look thinner. I was still in the one size fits all thinking and it looked darling on her, so it should be darling on me. Alas, after the cut I just looked like a fat adolescent boy. In a fit of desperation, thinking I could hide the cut I went to a beauty school and had my hair colored for the first time. I was excited and sure that I discovered the ultimate disguise for my fat. When it came time for the unveiling the student gasped and said something about coloring hair with red pigment was tough... I looked and saw magenta, which does nothing for me, but rather screams "I am completely pathetic - somebody help me!!!". Weeks later, on the delivery table I wailed that I could see my hair from the mirror strategically placed at the foot of the bed, and wouldn't someone please move it???

A few weeks before I delivered, my husband had an ex-girlfriend call and say that she had to return something to him. I knew she was skinny, cute and had long beautiful hair that was not the color of a rather large Purple Dinosaur. There was no way I was going to see her. I did not expect Mel to invite her in and was horrified when he did. I was trapped in the kitchen and was not going to come out. I did not want to see the sympathetic look she was sure to give to Mel when she saw his large magenta wife. Hidden and jealous, I listened in on their small talk, unaware that I was about to be discovered by her dog - she brought her dog - who does that? Why does a student own a large friendly Husky? He came to the very spot where I was hiding. I kept trying to push him away, mouthing the words "GO ON!" but he stayed, wagging his tail waiting for a treat that he must have assumed anyone as large as me would have in my pocket. I panicked, I didn't want her to come and find me talking sign language to her dog. I slipped out the kitchen door, and walked around the back of our little apartment. It was dark, night, and I had no keys and no where to go, my only choice I saw at that point was to crawl into our bedroom window. Of course I was 9 months pregnant and I looked like Shamo trying to squeeze into a tuna can. I was humiliated, depressed and angry at my out of control life.

Once my baby came I tried to play house. I cleaned our little apartment in about 1/2 hour every day, I played with the baby, napped with the baby, played with the baby, napped with the baby, watched tv with the baby, put on my make up, cleaned up, made dinner fed my husband, watched him study and then went to bed. Most days I didn't have a car, and there was no family around. We didn't know it then, but a bit of postpartum seeped in, and I was unable to do things with old friends. I was lonely, but too depressed to do anything about it. My life had changed drastically and I didn't know what to do, so I ate and watched tv, Barney, Maury, Thomas, Oprah...

Pretty soon I couldn't stand it anymore, I finally felt as pathetic as I looked. I prayed a lot, and wrote a lot, and finally Heavenly Father and I made a plan. Even though I had a degree in Psychology I had really wanted to study history. I was going to educate myself and learn about the second world war which I was always interested in. I went to the library and checked out my first book on the Third Reich. Next I studied Goering, one of Hitlers Henchmen, and from there Albert Speer who was Hitlers architect and who many thought would be the next in line for Hitlers job. I learned about the Nurenburg trials and the Spandau prison where many Nazi Leaders served their sentences. Little Colton and I laid on the floor, he learning to crawl, me alternately reading and playing, learning to be a stay at home mom who values education, self imposed or otherwise, we were both pretty wobbly.

Step two in my plan was that I had to exercise. By then it was winter in Provo and I lived in the ghetto, and it was hard to convince anyone to walk with me. I prayed for a partner and Heavenly Father led me to a girl named Cynthia who was just crazy enough to go out with me. We enjoyed our morning talks and felt safe and motivated.

Step three was that I needed friends, so Heavenly Father gave me Kellee. She was funny, and we got along so well, we alternated cooking dinner, we baby sat for each other, we talked and dreamed of days when we would get an income. She and I tried to dress and leave our apartments every day, which for me at that time was huge. We walked to the pet store on Provo's main street, we fed ducks, and when we had cars we walked the mall or went to the library. We planned double dates with our husbands, served in the church together and had many long meaningful talks.

The last problem, my hair was the hardest of all to solve, but I was led to bandannas, ball caps and Clarol Herbal Essence. Time and a vow to never touch the scissors again solved that problem eventually.

These steps seem so normal and mundane, but to me they were life altering. I had lost my anchoring and comfort, I didn't know how to walk in my new role as a mother. Heavenly Father gently instructed and taught me. Learning and following Him made the weight I was so worried about come off. Of course I faced other challenges later and gained weight for other reasons, but with His help we custom made solutions to fit those problems. I am going to spend each day this week sharing other times I have had to re strategize. Problems change so the way we solve them must as well.

With God Nothing is Impossible

2007-09-28T16:09:00.000-07:00

I am repeating this entry written in July because I want to stress the one thing that truly made the difference in my weight loss. I fear I do not stress enough that I couldn't have lost any weight without the help of the Lord. I already knew all of the dieting advise, I knew what I was supposed to eat and when and how much, I knew that I was supposed to excercise. The struggle then was to change my "natural man" (vegatitive overeater) to the person I wanted to be (fit, healthy, active mother and wife). I do not claim to be a dietition or a personal trainer, but I can tell you some of the things I was taught through gentle instructions of the Lord through His spirit. Real lasting change happens when we seek the Lord in all that we do. That is what made the difference for me. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, and a Sabbath that refreshes and renews.

With God Nothing is Impossible

One week after I "got real" and did everything Dr.Phil and the other diet gurus told me to do, I still weighed the same. I felt like a desperate crazy woman. I got on the scale and cried. I had started the way I thought I was supposed to start. I did some hard things, why didn’t I lose at least 2 pounds?

I didn’t want to be fat anymore, but I still really loved eating. I didn’t think I was eating so badly, why was I so fat? I ate fruits, veggies, whole grains, sometimes French fries, sometimes chips, but not too often, or not too much. I ate chocolate, but who doesn’t? Sometimes I ate ice cream, but not to a degree that it would kill me. Yea, pizza once in awhile, but not very often, and sometimes I took off the topping. As the old saying goes, “I was in denial, and it wasn’t a river in Egypt.

Alma tells his son Helaman:
“Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord. . . He goes on to say “counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good” (Alma 37:36-37)

This is where I had to modify Dr. Phil a bit and ask for some serious help. It really did matter to me. Heavenly Father cares about our bodies too, that’s why we have the word of wisdom. I am sure He wants us running as fast and as well as we can. I tearfully asked my husband for a blessing. This is what I truly attribute to the beginning of my success. In asking for that blessing I was humbling myself and asking the Lord to give me the strength I needed. I know I can do all things with His help, faith then is what I needed. I then started to pray to the Lord for his help and counsel. Do you remember Alma’s counsel to the poor Zoramites?

“But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if you can no more that desire to believe, let this desire work in you. . .” (Alma 32:27)

I had the desire to get fit, just not the desire to do the hard work. I needed to have the desire work in me to change my way of thinking. I had to ask Heavenly Father to help me to want to do, and learn the things necessary for change, because on my own I was powerless. I needed to seek counsel from someone who wrote the owners manual for our bodies – God.

My plan was this, in the morning, I “counseled with the Lord” In my morning prayer I asked him for strength. For desire to exercise, for ability to eat right, and for knowledge on how I could change. During the day, snack time, lunch time, before and after dinner I asked him to show me when to quit, what to eat, and what I could do to change old habits. At night, in my prayer I would thank him and ask him to help me hear his counsel tomorrow. I even asked him to help me to want to get up and exercise.

This truly was the beginning of my transformation. I know that Heavenly Father cares about me. He told the Nephite apostles:

”Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? Or, What shall we drink? Or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things”
But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.” (3 Nephi 13:31-33)

cr-Happy new year!

2007-09-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, my sister carrot and I had a sieres of unfortunate events which led to a discussion of what went wrong. We asked what we did that made fate deal us these terrible hands. We broke it down to one thing: at 12:01 January 1st we were misheard. The fates heard us say "Crappy New Year!" instead of the more traditional "Happy New Year!" Slap myself on the head with the palm of my hand - that solves everything! The solution is next year we will really shout "HAPPY" loud and slow!

Since then I have really tried to do just that New Years Day, but some days I wonder if, no matter how hard I ennunciated my happy on new years day I keep getting misheard. I have been told I mumble, and sometimes I tend to "low talk" so if that is the case, I am going to take diction lessons pretty darn soon.

On days where my mumbling mistake is especially evident, I look for help. It used to be that I would look in my pantry, for the magic medicine - I tried everything, mouthful after mouthful. Usually relief from the one problem came because now I had replaced it by guilting over eating the entire contents of my refridgerator and pantry, well just the good stuff.

Country western songs talk about drowning sorrows in a bottle of booze, ciggaretts say they offer a calming buzz, and my former vice food, offers me distraction from that which ails me. When I gave up emotional eating I wailed to my husband on a particularly bad day, "I have nothing left! What do I get to do to soothe my pain? what will bring me some relief?" Maybe that is the wisdom in the word of wisdom. Maybe Heavenly Father wants us to put away the false comfort and seek Him. I guess it is time to phone home.

Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish
Where in my need to know,
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand
to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane,
Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds
for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.

-LDS Hymns #129

"Where Can I Turn For Peace"

I Love a Parade

2007-09-26T06:25:00.000-07:00

Every morning I am part of a parade of people. There is the guy who bears an uncanny resemblance to his large dog strapped to his belt, there is my neighbor who I wonder if I have offended or doesn't wear her contacts in the morning because I always wave but I am not acknowledged. There are the two girls from my ward - Tara and Stephanie who I know I will see from a distance at 6:13. I know I will see them at a distance because I avoid ever catching up to them. These are two amazons who both ran 5K's and placed while each were 9 MONTHS PREGNANT!!! You know how I say I got 3rd place in the 5K? Well Stephanie just about to give birth came in second, Tara first. I am terrified that one day I will end up running right by them and they will kick my heiney, and I will have to pretend that I run that fast every morning while disguising my inability to breathe. Another gal, Camille, in my ward placed in the twenty something bracket, and I advoid her on our parade as well - for the same reasons. There are countless others that make up our group, grumpy man wearing fedora who walks in the middle of the sidewalk, never willing to pull over, and there is young man wearing hunters orange which makes me question my own safety wearing all black - however I am pretty intent on not ever wearing a color that can be seen from the planet Venus.

Every once in awhile a few people are added, and some drop. One very heavy lady who had her walk impaired because of her thighs rubbing together was with us and every morning I wanted to shout "good job!" but worried that she might be startled at someone running up behind her and shouting and would want use her pepper spray on me. I haven't seen her for awhile and miss her.

This week we have a new member, I have christened her in my mind as "she who walks small dog rapidly while talking on her cel phone at 5:45 a.m." I baffle at who on earth she could be talking to or if she is just trying to ward off muggers by showing she has friends who know right where she is. I like that lady, she doesn't have a walking partner, so she calls someone up and takes them along by phone.

I silently cheer for people who join our parade. While I am running I wave to some, and nod at others, we have an unspoken camaraderie. I have no reason to believe that they can't succeed, and I would never stop one and say "I know you are trying this now, but you have tried in the past and failed, so you might as well go back to bed" That sounds ridiculous, yet I have said that to myself and I am ashamed to say I have said (or thought - which is just as bad) the same kind of thing to family members.

I want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt including me. I am going to believe that everyone can be who they want to be with faith and works. I am going to expect people to do their best and if they fail, I want to be their cheerleader, and be patient, full of love and hope. I want to be the person that my husband will shout from a podium to a massive group of people - "I would like to thank my wife, she always believed in me and I never could have succeeded with out her." Then crowds will cheer, and I will look on them as a benevolent angel waving with tears in my eyes while wearing a beautiful ball gown made of tole and sequins all while floating above them in a bubble, sort of like Glenda the good witch. I am tired of being Elphaba, the wicked witch of the west to myself, family and friends. I am going to cheer for my family and myself the same way I do for my silent friends on my parade. My sister (Carrot Jello, the famous blogger) and I decided that we should be like June Cleaver, she was always so kind and positive to Ward, Wally and the Beaver. They were lucky to have her. I never once heard her give the Beave a lecture and then say "of course you wont obey because you never do." So Carrot and I decided we are going to put on aprons before our husbands and family come home to remind ourselves to "Be June". And saying this, I can only expect the good.

True change is part of the Gospel. It is what the atonement is all about. What if christ was sent to complain about the world that through him the world might be critized? Luckily it doesn't work that way. Christ changes our hearts and behavior, He heals and teaches:

"...for ye say that your hearts are changed through faith on his name; therefore, ye are born of him and have become his sons and his daughters" (Mosiah 5:7)

Just about every family night we sing "I am a Child of God". I am His child, so are you and so is my family. We are entitled to unlimited potential. Who are we to tell God that we, or others are incapable of change? We can change and be whoever we want to be, if you want to be healthy and thinner you can if you do it through faith in Christ who will help you do the hard work. I have every reason to believe this because that is how I changed. God is no respecter of persons, We just can't be afraid to join the parade.

Tree on the Prairie

2007-09-24T23:00:00.000-07:00

Calamity Jane is quite an amazing creature to behold. Let me tell you a little of what I witnessed during her remarkable journey.

But first, I must tell of my brother who loves trees. We did not live in a place that trees grew naturally and each tree had to be cared for and nurtured. He, in particular, loved to see what he could get to grow in that dusty little prairie village.

I, on the other hand had to mow the lawn - and those trees kept getting in the way. Sitting on the old Allis-Chalmers lawn tractor, I was apt to day dream and was know to mow right over some of his little seedlings that I mistook for, well for nothing since I was likely not paying attention.

He had planted a tree, not common for our parts, and I mowed over it that same year. Then I ran over it and I really thought it was dead. But it came back. It really didn't have any reason to hold on.

I really thought it was sort of silly to watch this little stick struggle for life. It didn't seem to even make any progress.

This last summer, we put a swing in it.

So it was with mighty Calamity Jane. She weighed in each morning. Soon she shared with me her progress and kept her calender out in plain sight. One morning, she lamented on the weary progress she was making. She could pass a week with nothing discernible to show.

Then, being the engineer I am, I graphed the weights she had recorded. To her astonishment, the graph revealed a general downward trend with occasional plateaus and even increases in weight. However, when I drew a line that generalized the trend we could predict when she would hit her target weight.

And she did it just as the prediction showed.

This is a demonstration of the principle of longsuffering and enduring to the end. I don't see the Gospel as a fast and easy pursuit. The Law of the Harvest prevails. We learn precept on precept. We are meant to grow; following the Savior's example - not instantly become our dream.

Here, I was taught by the example. CJ's righteous desire to take care of that gift, her body, reached her goal pound by pound. She applied the principles that she learned to be true. This was not instantaneous success; rather, she planted, tended then harvested her reward.

My brother could have given up on his little stick in the ground, but he nurtured and let it grow. It grew almost imperceptibly. I certainly did not witness any rapid movement. Yet there it stands, with boughs outstretched.

One thing for sure, she has moved me to begin a journey of greater health. Putting patience true principles into action can bring wonderful results.

(Thanks for letting me post!)

The Evasive Manuvers of my Dieting

2007-09-21T07:19:00.000-07:00

#5 - Pizza Friday

Fiday my family loves to eat pizza. I love pizza, the whole world loves pizza. Those Italians gave us some very good things, but this is the best. I remember the early days of my marriage and my husband and I would get the "2fer" pizzas at Little Caesers. I would get a large pepperoni and mushroom and he would get the large combo. I could down a whole pizza by myself but if there was some left it was saved for breakfast. I couldn't understand why I gained so much weight those first years of marriage. Hmmmm.

Well we still have pizza on fridays, but it is a healthier option. Here is the recipe I use for a whole wheat crust, it is so good and doesn't get soggy. I got it from the "Set For Life" book by Jane Merrill and Karen Sunderland

2 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
1 T sugar
1 T dry yeast
1/2 t salt
1 cup comfortably hot water
2 T oil

Mix 2 cups flour, sugar, yeast and salt. Add water. Let stand while preparing dough. Knead 5 minutes; let dough rest 5 minutes. Use a pizza roller to roll dough about 1/4 inch thick on a lightly greased heavy pizza pan or baking sheet. To prevent soggy crust, prebake at 500 degrees for 3 to 4 minutes, just until puffed but not brown. After baking, spread dough with sauce (I use spagetti sauce) and add desired toppings. Bake in a 500 degree oven for 10 to 12 minutes for a large pizza or 5 to 7 minutes for a medium or small pizza.

We let the kids put their own toppings, and sometimes divide the dough into personal pizzas, the kids love making thier own pizza and get quite creative. It is a fun family activity that we all look forward to. Remember mozerella cheese has less fat than cheddar, and you can add a smaller amount and still get the flavor. One favorite is ham and pineapple, you can buy lowfat ham lunchmeat and cut it up. Other ideas include lowfat turkey sausage, and I am pretty sure you can get a lower fat version of pepperoni. I love veggie pizzas, and use all the mushrooms, olives, peppers, tomatoes, and pineapple and fresh basil I can fit on it. When my husband and I were in Rome I was amazed at how little cheese they really use on a pizza, the crust was crispy thin, had beautiful bright red tomato sauce, thin slices of ham (which I can't spell right now, but it starts with pro...) peices of fresh basil, sliced roma tomatoes and slices of buffalo motzerella. It was a celestial experience, I will never look at the telestial version pizza hut offers the same way again. Get creative, and enjoy!

Happy Friday! Send me a picture!

The evasive manuvers of my dieting

2007-09-19T20:11:00.000-07:00

#4. Apathy (the hardest to evade)
Someone had on their fridge the words "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." I believe that when I am getting dressed and nothing fits, but when I am in front of a bakery, I beg to differ.

One of the biggest deterrents to success is apathy. I can justify sinning against anything I am not 100% committed to, budgeting, laundry, and in the past - exercise. What is it with me? I get committed to a healthy life when I can't button up my jeans, or when my blouse puckers between buttons, but that commitment fades when faced with the first pangs of desire. Sometimes that happens as early as breakfast and cinnamon rolls, sometimes I hold off until after lunch and the siren call of last nights birthday cake drowns out any sense of reason, any memory of the tourniquet jeans tightening around my waist. All I can hear are the calls of chocolate cookies singing from their hiding place.

How about exercise? My contract with fitness was signed in blood when I tried on leather boots at the shoe store and couldn't zip any up. I didn't even know that I had fat calves. Yet first thing in the morning denial and apathy hits me the hardest. "I dont look so bad, I don't even care about boots - If an outfit really needs them, well I will just wear my husbands black socks and paint a zipper on the side." My alarm went of at 5:15 this morning and as I lay in a warm bed dry and drowsy I came up with 5 legitimate reasons why I should stay in bed - "I had an extra hard workout yesterday, I went to bed so late, I need to get started on scripture study early today, I will walk later on with the kids, I can go twice tomorrow..." . I have been doing that for 1 1/2 years now. I have learned that while it may take 2 weeks to establish an exercising habit, for me it just takes 1 day to break it. I am terrified of that happening. I just read a statistic that says 82% of dieters gain back their weight within a year.

I need a huge wake up call from the slumber of denial. I have a ritual now that started two years ago this month, I weighed in at 205. I recovered from my mild heart-attack, and after the paramedics left, I decided that I was in trouble. From September to January I lost 7 lbs, and then I stuck at 198. For three weeks I couldn't get the scale to move. Frantic and in tears I decided to get Heavenly help and make a record. Every day I weighed in and wrote my weight on my calendar. I know how much I weighed almost every day in the year 2006. Pick a day. You say February 7th, 2006? 191. How about March 15 - 183.5. On passover April 13th I weighed 181 (dang chocolate bunnies). May 15th, my 38th birthday I weighed 173.5, On flag day June 14 I was 165.5. July 4th our Independence day I had lost 43 1/2 lbs and weighed 161.5. August 18th was my 20 year class reunion and I weighed 156.5. Last year on this very day I weighed in at 155 - no explanation, just one of those plateaus. On the 1st of October I was 152, and on my 14th anniversary - the 24th of October I got down to 146.5. Thanksgiving I weighed 140, and December 13 I weighed 136. January 5th- 135 where I have stayed plus or minus 3 since. Even now I weigh in daily. Last night I weighed in before I went to bed so I could use the number (up three since Saturday) to motivate me to get up in the morning.

I know that there have been times in my life that scale watching has been dangerous for my mood and attitude. I know that everyone is in a different season. I know that when I was heavy I was doing the best I could at the time. But in January 2006 the time was right for me, and I began my walk down the scale. Weighing in every day is the wake up call I need. For me, failure to check in every day causes apathy, I forget my ultimate goal, and laugh off the quiet voice that says "you can't afford to eat that..." when I am busy. Seeing the patterns of the ups and downs also helps. I know that after every two months I plateaued and had to make my workout harder. I know during certain times of the month I can count on being up a few pounds, and the next week they go away. I read that callendar like a book. It is ragged from so much reading. On times I would get discouraged I would look back at what I had already accomplished, it gave me hope that I could continue.

"And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well - and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them carefully down to hell." (2Nephi28:21)

The Evasive Manuvers of my dieting

2007-09-19T07:43:00.000-07:00

#3 Fast Food

I know, you thought that I talked about that yesterday, but I am not referring to the roadside food brothels, but me. Sometimes I eat my food FAST, really fast. I hate it. I have two speeds really fast, and really slow. On busy days, I run a million miles a minute - I dash to and fro enjoying my speed, impressing myself with my complete worth as a mother. I instinctively go faster, When I know I have to rush to get someone somewhere, I forget to slow down, I forget that once the child is delivered, I am free. The rush is over, I can let my death grip on the steering wheel go. My tension should be released. Noooo not for me, I rush to the store, I rush to the school, I rush on my errands. It then becomes impossible for me to eat slow. When I eat fast I eat too much. Simple.

Yesterday is a good example, I rushed everywhere, every hour was scheduled. First thing in the morning I reset my odometer for a new route I wanted to run and as the day went on I found that I had driven 31 miles without leaving my city limits, in fact I don't think I went past a 15 mile radius, just up and down my hill, over and over. Instead of lunch I ate everything in my purse, cranberries, almonds, saltines - I had a weeks worth, but I kept refuling a full belly. When I got home I rushed around getting snacks for the teeming masses, while doing so I nervously ate and dramatically thought "would I get to soccer on time??" (of course dummy, it is only a ten minute drive) "How was I going to get my two-year old back into her car seat?? (Little Mermaid dvd, silly) By dinner time I was frantic though I had the rest of the night off, I made dinner at warp speed, I rushed the family to the table, we had the two year old say the prayer (she says the shortest) and I commenced eating. It was a frenzy that I was helpless to stop. Picture Cookie Monster. That was me. I am weak.

So here I am a 39 year old sesamie street character. I have no solutions, no ideas that work, I am a helpless victim of my speed. This is no lie, no dramatization, I could line up my children and get their testimonials. I turn this problem to you the readers of this blog, even the lurkers, I could use ideas for this terminal condition. I am a speed eater. I have no evasive manuvers, I only recognize the problem. Oh that there really was a "chill out" button I could switch on. Help - Anyone?

#2 Dining Out

2007-09-18T07:13:00.000-07:00

I don't hate to cook, I hate to clean. I hate to clean more than I love to cook. That is my problem. I consider myself a "creative" cook. I make things up or try things I see on cooking shows,I try to invent all new tastes - I switch into my "artistic" mode.

As an artist I let loose of foolish conventions, my grandma told me "a good cook always cleans up after herself" but I laugh in the face of such bondage, "give me room, give me space - see what I can do!" Picture the Swedish chef from the muppet show. That is me, food splatters the cupboards, I spill, slop, chop and spray during my most creative moments every pot will become dirty, every bowl used. I end up with a self-declared masterpiece (we do not have general consensus in the family.)

I try to reign in my creative genius most nights. Last night we were conventional. Grilled chicken breasts, brussel sprouts and red potatoes, there was mess, but it was bearable. Most nights I still cringe at 4:30 and think of the time I am going to spend cooking, and then the time I will have to spend re-cleaning. I am a bit anal about having a clean kitchen which leads to rebellion. In moments of weakness (especially pregnancy) I state: "The kitchen is closed, I am having help prepare dinner. I decide to become a lady of leisure and just like Carol Brady says to Alice "oh Alice that looks good!" I ask Wendy what she has for me, and I give her genuine praise and money. We have a symbiotic relationship. We need each other.

Not any more. . . I have had to do away with my excuses. Could you imagine what Mike would do if he found Alice poisoning Greg and Marsha's food? Kick her to the curb and let her little butcher friend Sam have her for good, is what he would do. Well, Wendy and her little Chihuahua friend were killing me and my family. Here are my ways of kicking the habit to the curb and to convince myself not to eat out and avoid an early death.

#1. I play the Calorie and Fat Card. In order to get the Diva Artist inside of me convinced of old McDonald's back stabbing ways, I ask to see the nutrition information card. Each restaurant has one. A month ago, thinking we were making a healthy choice, we went to Del Taco. Fresh and fatty should be their motto. I could not believe what I was seeing. The things that I could make at home for little or no fat, were PACKED with the thigh dimpling stuff. Hint - 17, 28 or 37 grams or more will kill you - eventually- I could not believe what that store was offering me. I like to keep fat to 2, 4, or 6 grams. I had to get a salad with no dressing, tear off the cheese, half the amount of chicken and top the whole thing with salsa. I might as well have bought a head of iceberg lettuce, poured on the Pace and would have enjoyed it just as much. Ask to see the information, it just might take away your appetite!

#2. If the fat card is not enough to sway me away from the dangerous trip to the King of all burgers, I must ask myself how much money I will spend, and how much I could save. It cost's $30 to feed my family usually at fast food, $60 - $80 at slow food. The more kids I get, (and I am getting quite a collection) the more places I have to put the money. I just ask myself if I would sweep my floor and wipe the counters down for $30. That usually does it for me.

#3. The time card is the last of my tricks. I used to think I was saving time ordering pizza, but by the time the delivery boy leaves his hut and makes it to my house the kids have told me hundreds of times that they are STARVING!!! I have a wonderful whole wheat pizza crust recipe, which is so simple and takes only 20 minutes from start to finish to make a lovely healthier pizza. I can clean a messy kitchen in 10 minutes, so from start to finish, I am still 15 minutes under the delivery boy, and $30 richer. Even the box pasta dinners can be thrown together in minutes, and if you omit the fat, or at least cut it down, you are still healthier than eating out.

#4. My only other temptation for fast food is driving around on errands, and suddenly I hear the whines of children. They are starving!!! Feed them!!! In the past it was so easy to drive up to anywhere that wanted to feed us. Now, I come prepared. I have juice boxes in my purse, granola bars in the van, I try never to leave without fishy crackers. Usually that will quell the hunger until we make it home. One of my sisters keeps a flat of water bottles, and a costco sized box of granola bars in the back of her van. It works!

I now look in the mirror and say, I have fondled my last fry, saluted the shake goodbye, I am a new woman, I am a home-cooking Diva! If you share this challenge then, good luck!

The Evasive Manuvers of My Dieting

2007-09-17T06:28:00.000-07:00

*This week I am going to post specific tricks I used to help me battle my worst enemies. Maybe you share some of them too

#1 Movie Theatre Popcorn.

I have been on my share of "creative dates" I have eaten in an elevator and in the middle of the mall. and I have learned my abc's backward while mini-golfing and I have gone grocery shopping while speaking a pretend foreign language.* Each of these dates had one thing in common: I wished we were at a movie. I love movies - and a refillable tub of popcorn ("butter?" - "why yes!") The ultimate escape. I still can see myself sitting in a dark theatre, my cupped hand forming a popcorn trough and eating like a horse.

Everyone remember when the hammer hit?

"The culprit is not the popcorn itself but the superfatty coconut oil that most theaters use to pop it. That and the butter -- hydrogenated soybean oil in most cases -- that's drizzled on top. A medium-size buttered popcorn, the report said, contains more fat than a breakfast of bacon and eggs, a Big Mac and fries and a steak dinner combined." (The complete article)

Dang. My world was crushed, what was that about ignorance? I had to learn another way. Now, don't get me wrong, I just indulged while at "Becoming Jane", but I shared, and we all only finished half of a medium, I am not perfect, but this trick has kept me away from the stuff for over a year.

The afternoon before my movie I make lunch as usual - but it is popcorn, I grab a brown paper lunch sack put 2-3 handfuls of popcorn, fold the top over 2 or 3 times, put it in the microwave, push the "popcorn" button, and viola! Hot air popcorn! I had to improvise with this because I gave my popper to the D.I. when microwave popcorn was invented. I could use the light kind of microwave popcorn, but it was hopeless as a diet food because I was melting butter and putting that on top of it for flavor, and the yummy kind is practically poisionous so it is of no use to me.

Back to my version of microwave popcorn, depending on what the scale said that morning I put some real butter on (1/2 - 1 Tbls) it or just spritz it with water and sprinkle butter popcorn salt on it. I eat and enjoy until I am completely full and satisfied. I then buy a small box of junior mints at the store and when faced with temptation at the theatre my stomach is fortified and I can march right by consessions. The money saving is immense and my husband is willing to take me to more movies. Great for all! Enjoy the show!

* I was not referring to my husband - I have not ever had to endure "creative dating" with him. He knows how to treat a girl to a great night out!

-I just heard on the Today Show that it costs 5 cents for 5 cups of popped popcorn from just the seeds, and is less than 200 calories. So my microwave method can make you a gazillionaire if you saved the money you would have spent on movie or store bought microwave popcorn - and won the lottery. Yea!!!

Italian Black Beans And Rice

2007-09-14T06:34:00.000-07:00

This is a family favorite that I took off a Progresso black bean can. I love to serve it with low-fat sour cream and salsa. Enjoy - and Have a great weekend!

2 T olive oil
1/2 cup chopped onion
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 - 15 oz can black beans undrained
1/2 cup cubed cooked ham (I use low fat lunch meat ham)
3/4 t dried Italian seasoning
3 to 5 drops hot pepper sauce
2 cups hot cooked brown rice

Heat oil in large skillet over medium heat until hot. Add onion and garlic; cook 3-5 minutes or until tender. Stir in all remaining ingredients except rice. Simmer, uncovered, 6 to 8 minutes. Serve over rice. 4 (1 cup servings)

The malt ball and "tender mercies"

2007-09-13T07:30:00.000-07:00

Bear with me, I have a point while I explain yesterday, it may be tedious, but I am not indulging in self pity, I want to convey a miracle. My husband has been away on business all week. Each day I fall a bit farther behind. Yesterday I woke a bold single mother, I exercised and then studied scriptures, got all kids washed, fed, dressed, prayed over and out the door. I showered, ran errands and returned home tired. I fell asleep while reading to my 4 year old during nap time. When I awoke groggy and disoriented I knew that if I didn’t get up and get the kitchen floor moped and bathroom cleaned I wouldn’t have another chance. I was so tired though, I couldn’t seem to rouse my body. I said a silent prayer “Please Heavenly Father, I really need energy and strength enough to get my work done, I am tired, I need help.” After about 5 minutes of quiet pondering (I fell back to sleep) I woke, and finished my chores.

The after school madness then began, snack, babies up, school papers to sign and homework to be looked after. At 4:00 I had to pick up my 8th grader from soccer practice, drop off the little kids at my moms and take the top two to get shots at the pediatrician’s office. I told my oldest (only half joking), “I would sell you right now for a piece of chocolate”. As I removed my toddler from her car seat I found a malt ball on the floor. It was one of the huge ones that I can buy in bulk at my grocery store - I really love those things. Not wanting to share I hid by the van door and popped it into my mouth, right there I had a moment of pure joy. The rest of the evening was crazy - dinner, chores, court of honor and young womens, but I managed and fell asleep.

This morning when I went running I turned on my ipod and listened to a talk from BYU Women’s Conference, called “Refreshing Our Spiritual Strength.” http://www.ldsvoices.com/index.php?cat=WomensConference In it Sister Leann Whitesides talks of spiritual rejuvenation. She gives an experience where she felt one of the Lords “tender mercies” and the thought came to her mind “See how much the Lord loves you?” She said that “the love is there, we just fail to recognize it” I loved that talk and felt the spirit so strong. I reflected on the tender mercies that I have recently experienced, and thanked Heavenly Father for the strength to finish the tasks that I needed to do, I then thought of the malt ball and the Sermon on the Mount.

“Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?” (Matthew 7:9-11)

Some may think of that piece of chocolate as merely coincidence, but I heard Pat Holland say that “coincidences are small miracles where God chooses to remain anonymous.” I picture in my head a loving father watching a frazzled mother and smiling with love, the malt ball was how he could show it. See how much the Lord loves me? I am grateful to my Father for that love and with the constant miracles he showers daily over me.

Two years ago, this month I weighed in at 205, and last year on this day I weighed 154. This morning I weigh 135. Each day I received help and strength and gentle promptings. When I was quiet and still and followed them the best I could I succeeded. Those were the tender mercies given to me at that time. I am grateful to a loving Father who gives “good gifts” who watches, guides, and protects. He is my strength, my light, my joy.

(I posted this morning, and on my way to preschool I panicked and thought - I just confessed I ate a malt ball off the floor of my van and liked it - oh dear what you must think of me...I am pretty sure it was clean if that redeems me a bit.)

"Encore Performance"

2007-09-11T22:10:00.000-07:00

I just watched biggest loser. I LOVE that show! In the beginning of my fat dissolving journey, my greatest motivation came from watching just how hard those people could be pushed. When I first started walking up our very steep hill and wanted to go slow, I thought of those heavy women panting and puffing, sweating and stinking, and knew I could do more. I thought of this post and wanted to remind myself and you, that we can do hard things!

"I Can Do Hard Things"

The term “runners high” is a myth. A runners high is merely a sweaty wave passed between fellow sufferers.

In the New Years Fireside given to the youth, Susan Tanner said “I have learned that I can do hard things” So have I.

Exercise for me is hard. There are certain unpleasant things that I know I must do that payoff later rather than sooner. These include, putting money in a savings account, childbirth, cleaning out the van, laundry . . . the list is infinite. Every morning I wake up in a state of justification “I can’t go today, I swear I will go tomorrow. I was up all night with the baby, too tired, too rainy, too cold, too dark, too hot, too windy, too sore.

Tithing is a principle of faith not finances. We learn that paying the first ten percent of a paycheck is easier than the last ten percent. It is easier to exercise the first one percent of the day than the last. It is a fact that it is harder to lose weight and keep it off without exercise. Two years ago, my husband was called to teach early morning seminary. I tried to exercise in the afternoon, evening, even during the day, taking my kids with me. But in the afternoon, I was too tired, or too busy driving kids here and there, the evening I wanted to be with my husband, or watch a show, or relax, and my walks during the day were filled with toddlers straining to get out of the stroller and push themselves.

My only other choice was to get up at 5:15 and go out. The first few mornings were the hardest. I fumbled around, opening drawers in the dark trying to find clothing. I became frustrated trying to find the headphones that were “borrowed” By the time I got ready It was time for my husband to leave and I crawled back into bed.

In a child psychology class I was told that toddlers become out of control or frustrated often because they are placed in situations where they cannot succeed. For example I know that Eliza (2) hates grocery shopping, she wants to run around and explore things. She will not stay in the cart. If she is placed in the cart she will throw a fit. I can choose to take her and teach her, which takes time and patience, or I can leave her home. If I go ahead and take her with the idea that I will just rush in and rush out, without the willingness to have patience and teach, I have just placed my daughter in a situation where she cannot succeed. I could have brought her favorite book, gone to the bakery for the free cookie, had her carry around a box of cereal, or let her greet everyone we pass. If I make no provisions for her, I should not be surprised if she throws a tantrum. It is not right to be angry with her; I knew she would have a problem before I went in. If I did not find a way to help make it fun, or even as painless as possible, the person who needs the time out is me.

I believe that when it comes to doing hard things we become like toddlers. We must put ways that we can succeed before the actual event. Every night before I go to bed, I layout my work out clothes, every part, even my socks and shoes. I put my ipod on top, make sure it is charged, and loaded with interesting things to listen too, good podcasts, or motivational music. I have a deal with my husband that when the alarm goes off he has to tell me, “come on, get out of bed.” He has to be willing to pull me out if I don’t get up. He cannot be willing to listen to my reasons why I can’t go this morning. Sometimes he is frightened. He has learned to do hard things too.

I still don’t love to exercise right away. I get stitches in my side, my knee hurts, I want to throw up, I am breathing hard and I am sweaty. Sometimes, not often, there are moments that I look out at the sky turning bright, smell fresh air, hear birds and feel happy. The biggest payoff comes every day at one o’clock I feel glad I did it. My muscles feel a bit tighter and I feel good.

A missionary once told me that the Lord puts us in the refiner’s fire to make us strong, and that if we aren’t there, we should jump back in.

The refiners fire in exercise is getting to the point of uncomfortable and then going a bit farther. I started with walking 3 - 15 minute miles, when that got to be a non face reddening non – pit smelling, non sweat dripping into my eyes experience, I had to go harder. 4 miles, at 14 min each, can I do 13 min miles? I found that If I pushed really hard, I could walk a 12 minute mile. Why not run 1 minute and walk 3 - do you get where this is going? It has always got to be a bit harder every few weeks. If you can’t do this alone, pray for a workout partner. I have done that many times and have found some of my best friends that way. Pray that you can succeed, and then you can. “If ye have faith ye can do all things” Moroni 10:23 remember, it is good to get Heavenly Father involved.

I hope I don’t sound like a circuit preacher or an info-mercial, I swear I am not planning to sell you a thing. Some of you I know and love, and have asked how I lost weight. This is how. It starts by doing hard things.

"We Do Not Doubt Our Mothers Knew It"

2007-09-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

Last night I was sitting at the kitchen table studying while my oldest was doing Algebra. We are into 4 days of school and he told me that so far he is getting all A’s. I looked up to see if he was joking. He was instead beaming with pride. He then said something I really want to remember, “I have learned so far to pray really hard, and Heavenly Father really helps, of course I have to work hard too, but I have been praying in school and I really see a difference.” My little eighth grader gets it. My heart is soaring.

“Every mother is a teacher. No formal degree is required, but your determination to instruct prayerfully and lovingly and according to God’s plan is prerequisite to your success – and theirs.” Virginia U. Jensen

I have been given many tests, some I aced, and others I bombed. The trick as a mother is now we are given tests in front of our children. Each trial we deal with writes a script in their head of how they will deal with their future trials. My obesity was a self imposed, very difficult trial. I struggled so hard and my children noticed. They saw me hide from cameras, and saw me rummage through my closet looking for something that would fit me. They heard me complain. I am sure they noticed. They saw me diet unsuccessfully; once I made a loud declaration that I was giving up chocolate for a month and my oldest laughed as I dug into the chocolate one week later. I laughed with him, but cringed at my example.

They saw everything change once I began to ask the Lord for help. I told my kids that I had received a priesthood blessing and that Heavenly Father was going to help me. They watched me get back from running tired, crampy and sweaty. They watched as my body changed. My second son kept saying, “Wow mom, you look different…in a good way.” I hope they know that I give all credit to my partnership with God. I hope that they know that through Him I can do hard things. I hope they try it out in their lives. When my oldest said that he was praying in algebra class, I couldn't help but wonder if he got some of that from me. I hope so, I fail as a mother in so many ways, my floor is sticky, my bathrooms get neglected, I am impatient, and my scrap booking skills are non-existent, but I am a woman of faith, and I hope that they can say that they were taught that if they “did not doubt, God would deliver them” (Alma 56:47)

Losing weight for me was not just a temporal journey, but a spiritual one. Motherhood consists of other temporal activities which teach spiritual lessons. These lessons are taught on the way to soccer as much or more as they are taught in Sunday school.

“Women have many choices and many obligations, but strengthening our family members remains the single most important thing we can do with our time.” Virginia U. Jensen

I Believe

2007-09-10T06:59:00.000-07:00

I am not a nutritionist, I am not a personal trainer, I am a woman of faith. I believe in Christ. I believe in His love, I believe that through Him, all things are possible. I believe that I was given two gifts upon arriving on earth. One was a physical body, the other, the agency to choose. I believe that I do have a choice on how I care for my first gift, that of a physical body. I believe that it was and still is impossible on my own to do it right. I know that Jesus carries me through to my goal of making my physical body healthier, He teaches and prompts through the power of the Holy Ghost. I know that He hears me. I know He is my friend. I know that God is "no respecter of persons" I know that the same help that is available to me is available to everyone. Today, go for a walk, throw out your junk food, eat correct portions. Ask Him for strength, ask Him to teach you, expect miracles and then rejoice when they happen.

"It goes without saying that negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking, including negative thinking about ourselves. We see our own faults, we speak - or at least think- critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long, we and everybody around us are miserable." (Elder Holland)

"The spirit of the gospel is optimistic; it trusts in God and looks on the bright side of things. The opposite or pessimistic spirit drags men down and away from God, looks on the dark side, murmurs, complains, and is slow to yield obedience." We should
honor the Savior's declaration to "be of good cheer"...Speak hopefully. Speak encouragingly, including about yourself. Try not to complain and moan incessantly. As someone once said, "Even in the golden age of civilization someone undoubtedly grumbled that everything looked too yellow." -(Elder Orson F. Whitney as quoted by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland in April 2007 general conference)

Whole Wheat Bread Recipe

2007-09-07T07:44:00.000-07:00

Here it is! My favorite way to use the "staff of life"!

The first measurement before each dash is for a Large Batch, Second is Medium, Third is small. DO NOT USE ALL THREE AND THEN BLAME ME (lol!)

14-16/ 10-12 / 6-7- cups whole wheat flour
3 T- 2 T - 1 T - dry yeast
1/2 cup – 1/3 cup - 1/4 cup - gluten flour
6 cups - 4 cups - 2 cups - warm water
1/2 cup – 1/3 cup – 1/4 cup - Applesauce or vegetable oil
1 cup – 2/3 cup –1/4 cup - honey
1 ½ T – 1 T – 2 t – salt

Place 9, 6 or 3 cups fresh flour (depending on desired batch size) into mixer equipped with dough hook. Add dry yeast and gluten flour. Pulse to mix well. Add water, and mix for 1 minute. Turn off mixer, cover bowl, and let dough sponge for 10 - 15 minutes. (Sponging makes lighter bread and reduces kneading time). Add applesauce (or oil) honey, and salt. Turn on mixer, and quickly add remaining flour, 1 cup at a time, until dough forms a ball and cleans the sides of the bowl. The amount of flour needed may vary. Knead 7 to 10 minutes (by hand 12-15 minutes) or until dough is smooth and elastic. Let rise in bowl about 10 -15 minutes (this can be skipped if in a rush but makes the dough easier to form into loaves and makes bread a bit lighter). Place in lightly oiled pans and cover with a dish towel. Let rise until double. Bake in 350 degree oven for 28 – 35 minutes

Large batch makes: 5-6 - 4”x8 ½” loaves or 8-9 3”x5 ¾” loaves
Medium batch makes: 4 - 4x8” ½ loaves or 6-7 3”x5 ¾”loaves
Small batch makes: 2 - 4”x8 ½”loaves or 3-4 3”x5 ¾” loaves

These are things I have learned from experience and/or the “Set for Life” book by Jane P. Merrill and Karen M. Sunderland:

Remember to use fresh ground wheat; mill it yourself, or buy from refrigerator in health food stores, last resort use flour from store, but know it’s not as good as the fresh.

I use applesauce to make this bread fat free. If I run out of applesauce I use oil, it tastes just as good.

I like bread to be soft and I love the taste of “honey whole wheat” so I use 1 cup honey, sometimes I use ¾ honey and ¼ molasses, which makes bread dark and rich. I have a friend that reduces the honey to ½ cup and salt to 1 T for less sugar and low sodium and still makes delicious bread.

I love using white wheat as it makes lighter bread, which my kids love, but hard red wheat has more protein per grain and contains more gluten. I try to mix red and white wheat ½ and ½ and find a good compromise. My husband loves darker bread so when I use molasses and all red wheat he is in heaven.

Bread takes about 2 – 2 1/2 hours to make, I usually start the process when I get home from running, about 6:30 a.m. and can take a shower during the first proof, and dress during the kneading time. While bread rises in pans I can get breakfast on the table and get the kids out the door. Then I put the bread in the oven, put on my lipstick and take it out by 9:00 am …‘Cause I’m a Woooooman’….

Oil your hands and work surface, (if you use flour the bread gets dry), I use spray oil.

The Set –For – Life book has suggestions that they say will improve bread texture:
Add 1 cup buttermilk or yogurt in place of 1 cup of the water
Add approximately 500 mg of vitamin C with your flour
Add 2 T lemon juice instead of Vitamin C
Add 2 T dry or liquid lecithin to the dough
Replace 1 to 3 cups whole wheat flour with white flour.
I have never tried any of these except for the lemon juice (which I couldn’t tell much of a difference) because I don’t ever have any of those things on hand. But experiment and see what works for you.

I have occasionally added 2 cups white flour in place of 1½ cup wheat flour and ½ cup gluten if I am out of gluten or don’t want to spend the money. (Gluten is pricey; I get it in the health food section at my grocery store with the “Bobs Red Mill products but I have seen it in health food stores as well)

Don’t use large bread pans, Whole wheat dough is heavy and can’t support itself in a wide pan. I love medium pans which are 4”x8 ½”, but I know people who love smaller pans. My family would feel put out with smaller sandwiches (especially my 11 and 13 year old boys)

Oven temperatures vary; my oven bakes the loaves in 28 minutes, but when I baked in Canada at my MIL’s it took 35 minutes. Ovens vary, and I think maybe altitude has something to do with it too. I am almost at sea level and she lives on the high plains. Look for loaves to be golden brown, and make a hollow sound when thumped.

My sister taught me to preheat oven to 400 degrees, let bread rise till double - place bread in the oven and then immediately turn the oven down to 325 degrees. Then bake for 35-40 minutes. I have forgotten to turn the oven down too many times and have toasted too many batches to count, but I did like the way the bread turned out when I got it right. I just can’t trust my feeble brain to remember (remember Dory?) If you trust yourself – go for it. It is supposed to kill the yeast to keep bread from rising too high and keep it more dense and soft. 350 degrees for 28 minutes works great for me.

Last, to keep the crust soft (my kids favorite) keep a spray bottle on hand. When you remove bread from the oven place it on cooling racks, mist it lightly and cover with dish towels. You can also cool bread under damp dish towels.

Experiment, have fun! Make it your own. I have really learned to love baking. I feel such a sense of accomplishment when I see homemade bread on the counter. This dough makes great monkey bread, rolls and cinnamon rolls. I use the bread for French toast, bread pudding (when it gets stale) sandwiches (tuna and a glass of milk – yum!!) or I put on spaghetti sauce, favorite toppings, a little cheese, bake and make a yummy mini-pizzas, in the morning I break it up in a bowl, slice a banana, put cinnamon and sugar on top and pour milk on it. It makes a filling breakfast when I don’t have time to make whole grain cereal. I love it! Get creative, tweak the recipe and make it your own, just learn to use the “staff of life” as your main fuel. Good luck! I hope to see many positive testimonials to your weekend of baking in the comment section!

The Staff of Life

2007-09-05T10:56:00.000-07:00

I don't count calories. It doesn't work for me. I can't ever figure out how many calories are in the food I eat, and when I do I feel rebellious and want to eat more calories than I have been allotted. I have made a choice, I let my body do the talking and the counting. I know what it feels like to be hungry, I know what it feels like to be full, I know how long it takes to go from hungry to full - 20 minutes. I try to eat 5 small healthy meals every day slowly for 20 minutes and I eat only the portion size. I eat extremely low fat, and substitute healthier options when I can. If I am full I stop, if I am still hungry, I eat more. Food is my friend and partner in my life. I need fuel to go, I don't look at the gas my car needs as an enemy. I think it would be funny if we took all of the emotional garbage we have with eating and left it at Chevron. I know that counting is successful for some. But there is another way to lose weight because this is how I did it.

"All grain is ordained for the use of man...to be the staff of life"(D&C 89:14) A staff is something that people use for support. I think of Charlton Heston as Moses leaning on his staff. In Hebrews Paul tells us that Jacob "blessed both the sons of Joseph; and worshipped, leaning upon the top of his staff."(Hebrews 11:21) Shepherds use staffs to help them tend the sheep, which is their livelihood. Grains as a staff is used to help us accomplish our tasks, for me in my season, I need energy to be a mother. Whatever season you are in, couldn't you use a staff to lean on? I am sure that to run races Thoroughbred horses are given the finest grains, and no matter how much they whinny they will not be getting a Twinkie.

The best way for me to get this staff is homemade whole wheat bread. It is so hard to find store bought bread that doesn't have high fructose corn syrup. Besides homemade tastes best. My family goes through about a loaf a day during the week. I make 5 loaves about every 5-6 days. When I am in a hurry, I grab a few pieces, when I my cravings are out of control, I fill up on bread and low sugar jam, by doing that I truly get full. Believe me when I say that when my stomach is full of wheat bread, I have no cravings for other things. I know that this screams in the face of Mr. Atkins, but I imagine that when the Lord said "Wheat for Man" he meant it.

Tomorrow I am going to post my recipe for my "staff of life" bread. It is yummy, soft and very filling. I have to have my husband put it in a table because I use a Bosh mixer which makes 5-6 loaves of bread. I know that the smaller kitchen aid which is so popular can only make 2 loaves of bread. I have a wee bit of math to do, and since I am married to a brilliant engineer help is on his way! Stay tuned!!!

For the Love of an Ipod

2007-09-04T17:25:00.000-07:00

I talk a lot about running but I know you don't have to run to get fit, there are so many wonderful ways to exercise. I chose to run because I couldn't afford the YMCA membership - the money or the commute time. I had walked as fast as I could and I had plateaued. I had to up my heart rate, and running was the next step. It is cheap, and I just have to step outside. You can pick any way that works for you, but you can't lose weight without doing something!!!

Its important for me to be able to know what I am doing, I hate to find out after the fact that there was an easier way. If you go to a gym, find out info from a trainer, if you walk, find things about it on the Internet. I subscribe to “Runners World” I love the ideas that I read there, this past issue includes one man’s (Rob Burnett) way he gets through tough runs. He uses his play list to distract him. He explains:

"For me, running songs have one purpose and one purpose only: to distract. They need to take my mind off the marathon three minutes at a time.”

He then defends his play list from his assistants who mock him for choosing ELO’s “Don’t Bring Me Down”

“There is a man passionately singing that he does not under any circumstances want to be brought down. His desperate plea engulfs me with a burning question every time I hear the song: ‘Who or what is bringing him down? Oh, how chorus after chorus he tries to tell me, “’Don’t bring me dowwwnnnn – Bruce?’ ‘Greuss?’ ‘Stroose?’ What is that word? Doesn’t he realize I can’t help him unless I know? And just like that, three minutes of my run is behind me. Distraction."

The implication is that if he must be distracted from running, then, he doesn’t love the doing, but the being, and has to do it (run), to be it (a runner). I really thought that those who say that they love to run were genetically different from me. I now know that someone who “Loves to exercise” is no different from you or I, they still hurt. They have just trained their brain you redefine “loving”.

So, my redefinition is, I love my ipod, I run to justify the money it cost and the joy I get from dancing at 5:30 every morning. The investment of that $140.00 has paid me back by some major distraction which I need desperately. I use podcasts, which, if you are as old as I am and wrote your college papers by renting time on the library’s state of the art typewriters, you may or may not quite get - yet. Ask an 8 year old to help you understand. There are two LDS podcasts I subscribe to that give a classic or recent talk from church leaders every day "Classic Speeches" and "LDS voices". I also subscribe to NPR and some of their podcasts, like “Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me”, “Car Talk”, and “NPR’s Most Emailed Stories”.

I listen to those when I have a nice gentle run, when I am running downhill or walking, but when I go as hard as I can I use downloaded songs that make me want to dance.

When I was a little girl I used to plug my ears and say “I CAN’T HEAR YOU LALALALALA” I do just that when the lazy in me starts to talk, When my alarm goes off at 5:15, I grab my Ipod and pop in my earbuds. I start my warm up there. My heart starts pumping, “Let’s get it started…huh! Let’s get it started in heeere”. No longer can I hear the whines of lazy me, telling me why I should sleep. I get out of bed. I brush my teeth to Abba while imagining myself running with knee socks and head out the door feeling 16 again. It makes me happy. And you know what Proverbs says:

"A Merry heart doeth good like a medicine...(Proverbs 17:22)

I am including some songs from my playlist, please tell us your "feel like moving distraction" songs. We could all use some good ideas!

Some of My Playlist
Don't Bring Me Down (I have a son named Bruce - one of my all time favorite songs!)
This Love (Junior Sirius edit)
Superstition (Stevie Wonder)
Hold On (KT Tunstall)
Wake Up Call (Maroon 5)
I'll Fly Away (Acapella)
Vertigo (U2)
A little Less Conversation -(Elivis remix by King Junior)
Play that funky Music (Wild Cherry)
Take a Chance on Me (Abba)
Mamma Mia (Abba)
Any Dream Will Do (Donny Osmond)
Swinging on a Star (Bing Crosby)
Diamonds on the Soles of her Shoes (Paul Simon)
Peroxide Swing (Michael Buble)
etc......

Remembering Dory

2007-09-04T09:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went took our family to Victoria BC for labor day, we had a wonderful time, but the trip was long. Adding up our time spent together this summer travelling in the family van comes out to just over 60 hours. I am tired yet unbelievably grateful for portable DVD players.

Considering my commuting time this summer I hope you will understand just how much Finding Nemo I have listened to and forgive my analogy. I have been thinking a lot about Dory, and her short-term memory loss. I love her, I love how she and Marlin worked as a team. In their quest to find Nemo Dory tells a school of fish, "You see, he lost his son 'Fabio'.... and Marlin interrupts, 'Nemo' and she repeats "Nemo". They get through every task that way, She begins, he prompts. She is a fish with certain obvious weaknesses, but with Marlin helping her remember she became useful!

During my vacation I fought off the peanut M&M's in the van, the desserts at my MIL's and Burgers at McDonalds. On the last day of the next-to-last trip I was completely worn down and I forgot my resolve for healthy living. I was about to tuck into a dozen Tim Horton doughnuts when my husband happened to channel surf onto the Health and Fitness channel. It was a Boot Camp show, where women were working hard and changing their bodies. My Quest was remembered, I had no more desire for the maple bar, and I was ready to take the kids swimming.

I see myself as a silly blue fish swimming through life easily distracted by too many tasks, I procrastinate, or I simply forget to do the things I decided to do yesterday. My intentions and resolves are wonderful, but my ability to remember them leaves me at very inopportune times. This past Sunday I woke and started to read the Ensigns May conference issue. I turned to Elder Eyrings talk "This Day". I had read it before, had even marked the talk up with things I wanted to remember and yet as I read, I was overcome with a feeling that this talk was only vaguely familiar. He talked about why we procrastinate the things we have to do here in this life.

For most of us the temptation to delay will come from one or both of two feelings. They are polar opposites: one is to be complacent about what we have already done, and the other is to feel overwhelmed by the need to do more.

I know that in both my desire to get healthy physically and healthy spirituality I fail for those same two reasons Elder Eyring lists, complacency - "I ate healthy yesterday, one snickers won't hurt" "I don't have time to read today, I will tomorrow"- and the feeling of being overwhelmed - "I have too much weight to lose, I will never make it""I am so weak, why try?". Feelings like that make me forget what small steps I had previously decided to take in order to change. I now know why the Book Of Mormon prophets plead with us constantly to "remember" and why God had the Israelites collect only enough manna for one day. If we do not collect manna every day, we forget who placed it there, and who truly feeds us. I have said about wonderful spiritual experiences, "This is life changing" but really it was only day changing. I can not remember far enough back to change my life in one big swoop, my changes come from small reminders I find each day. Just like Marlin keeps reminding Dory, the Holy Ghost has blessed my life and helped me to remember the small steps I need to take. I pray for his guidance, I pray for him to help me remember. I then plead for him to speak loud enough for me to hear, and pray that I can be quiet enough to listen. I know that the Lord is the one who gives me strength. I know where the true source of change is. My physical change came because He taught me, I was led to books to learn from, and led by promptings that came quietly. I can like Ammon say:

"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things"

Dory tells Marlin that she remembers better when he is around him, and asks him to not leave her. Marlin does leave, that is where the likeness ends. I remember better when the Lord is with me, but when I ask him to stay he does.

"...yet will I not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands..."(Isaiah 49:15-16)

Road Trip!

2007-08-31T09:19:00.000-07:00

Our annual trip to Utah was a wonderful thing. My mom packed, while my dad brought home provisions from the “Piggly Wiggly” (our grocery store). I loved it when my dad shopped! Hostess was a favorite of his and he brought home Twinkies, ding dongs, ho ho’s , cherry pies and my favorite, the Hostess cupcake. I loved to first surgically separate the white curlicue of icing and eat, then, peel the chocolate frosting off, eat it, break the cupcake in half lick out the frosting and finish it off by jamming the cake into my mouth. Sitting in the rumble seat in our tan station wagon with the wood paneling on the side was made bearable by shoving cheetos, m&m's, pop-rocks, and cupcakes into my mouth. I had a great dad!

I looked forward to our first trip as a married couple, expecting the food in the car to be a culinary equivalent of a carnival. Mel was finished with his finals before mine and said that he would get the food for our trip and pick me up from the testing center. We would leave for Canada from there. Mel obtaining the provisions was part of the script written in my mind. I had no reason to fear.

The test was hard, I was hungry. As we headed out on I-15 north I grabbed the cooler anticipating a party. The term "Completely Horrified" does not even begin to describe my emotions as I saw my husbands idea of provisions, I found apple slices, hard boiled eggs, celery, carrot slices, and sandwiches.

Wanting to appear grateful I grabbed a sandwich and ate. I survived the trip and I learned a different way - I did decide to procure the food for every other trip after that, but a lesson was learned. I learned that just because something is a tradition does not mean it is a necessity.

I love Paul, he talks of himself saying: “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” (1 Cor 12:12)

When I was a child there was no connection in my mind between eating and health. I ate what I wanted when I wanted, and had no concern for consequences. When I became a woman I had to “put away childish things” like Paul. King Lamoni’s father said to God in a prayer “I will give away all my sins to know thee” (Alma 22:18) I had to decide If I was willing to give up all my “sins”(bad eating habits) to become healthy. Sometimes good things are found through sacrificing the bad. A decision must be made between eating everything you enjoy whenever you want and being heavy or learning to “bridle all your passions” (Alma 38:12). All the power of a huge horse can be put in control through a small bridle. He is not locked in a cage, or tied up with ropes and your appetite doesn’t have to either, merely put into control through knowledge, prayer, and some sacrifice.

Road trips with my husband taught me that there was another way to travel. I was reluctant to accept it. Learning that happiness can be found in healthy eating is still hard. Each road trip I must rewrite my menu and turn it into a healthy one. Sometimes things that are good offer a pay off later (a smaller size of pants).

Here is what we do now, maybe it could help you on your Labor Day holiday. I make a menu where I decide what and how much we will need. I try to not overbuy so that we will not be tempted to overeat. You all probably do that, but for me in the past, buying provisions meant walking through the store and picking out anything that looked yummy and fun. This past road trip our menu was:

Breakfast - A yogurt smoothie, fruit, whole wheat bagels and fat free strawberry cream cheese.
Snack - grapes and sugar snap peas
Lunch: I made sandwiches with whole wheat bread, fat free cream cheese, turkey, and cranberries, (we call them thanksgiving sandwiches) YUM! Also, baked lays and fruit snacks
Snack: Froot Loops in baggies. (A nod to my childhood)
Dinner: “Tim Hortons” sandwiches, chili and whole wheat buns – If you are ever in Canada Tim Hortons restraints are an AMAZING experience. It is a doughnut chain that serves soups and sandwiches unlike any other you can find in this world. So yes, I did have a doughnut - what, it’s Canada- don’t look at me like that. When in Rome. . .

Have a happy and safe holiday!

"Wheat For Man"

2007-08-29T21:50:00.000-07:00

My mind is longing for the cooler days that are a calendar page away. Being a true north-westerner, I do not love the sun. It is not my friend; it makes me squint, burn, and sweat. Homes do not come with standard air conditioning here and thus my workplace is sweltering. I am scared of robbers and want my windows closed and locked at night, thus I must choose to spend my nights either worrying or sweating. I spent many days long ago worshipping this false god. I slathered on oil to baste. My sisters warned me that I would regret it and now I have an ugly scar that looks like I had a tracheotomy on the spot where my chest meets my neck where I have had two skin cancers removed. My 4 year old is fascinated with it and I tell him in my angry voice that the sun bit me. I am raising him fear the sun and stay close to me in my native land. As I nurse my sunburn that I received yesterday sitting at the beach I will give you my recipe for my favorite autumn treat.

But first, You need to start on you new quest to use whole grains. "Nevertheless, wheat for man..." (D&C 89:17). You will find that by substituting whole wheat in recipes the flavor will be nuttier and richer. Try using whole wheat in banana bread, zucchini bread, and peanut butter, molasses, and oatmeal cookies. Experiment with Applesauce cake, Banana cake and Carrot cake as well. I use the same measurements I would with white. Remember all tastes are acquired. I have learned to like carrots and tomatoes, when 20 years ago I thought of them only as a punishment. I am sure you have things you have learned to like before. Using only wheat flour might be a different taste experience, but by using it your body feels fuller and keeps you from craving naughty things. If you don’t like it then learn to, you know you expect your children to do just that.

Invest in a wheat grinder. You are supposed to be using your wheat storage anyway, so you might as well have a way to grind the stuff. Chewing on a handful of wheat kernels really gets old after the first hour. If you aren’t ready to invest, you can find ground wheat flour at any store. The fresher the flour the healthier it is, I am not sure why, so if any one knows, please post the reason. Many health food stores even carry their wheat flour in the fridge, I have been told to do the same for the flour that I have ground and am not going to use right away. I have gotten to the point where I just use white flour for play dough and chocolate chip cookies. I can’t eat either, so who cares?

Using nonfat mayonnaise for the fat in cookies may seem disgusting, but by replacing it for the oil and eggs it makes these cookies go from 3 fat grams to 0 – and from 79 calories to 53,- without the chocolate chips of course. I can’t taste a difference so I say use the mayo, and add the chocolate, and you have reached a nice compromise. Either way they are healthier than most, use whole wheat and are OH SO GOOD!

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies
¾ cup nonfat mayonnaise or ½ cup oil and 2 eggs
½ cup sugar
1 cup brown sugar
2 cups canned pumpkin
3 cups whole wheat flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon soda
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons cinnamon
½ teaspoon nutmeg
1 teaspoon ginger
½ cup chocolate chips (optional)
Cream mayonnaise (or oil and eggs), sugars, and pumpkin. Add dry ingredients and mix well. Stir in chocolate chips. Drop from spoon onto non-stick baking sheet. Bake at 350 for 10 to 12 minutes. Cool completly on a cooling rack. These cookies are very moist and do not store well in air tight containers, if you need to store, freeze and then eat right away.

Enjoy with a glass of milk and dream of cooler days ahead.

Perilous Times and Motivational Moments

2007-08-29T07:11:00.000-07:00

It was early morning, and I smelt smoke in our house. I asked my husband to walk around with me to see if he could smell it too. We covered the whole house but could find no fire, and he smelt no smoke. After telling me that I had a nose like a blood hound and smelt something outside, he kissed me and went to work.

I called my neighbor Angie a bit later because the smell didn’t go away. Still dressed in her pajamas she walked around my old house. She smelled the smoke too. I called the fire department. After the call was made I frantically realized that I had invited strangers over, and my home was a toy-strewn, dishes undone, laundry out, and diaper smelling mess! “Angie, you have got to help me” I pleaded, and gratefully she knew just what I meant. We frantically ran around picking up toys, pushing clothes under their owner’s beds, and hiding dishes in the dishwasher. I wanted my home clean before it was destroyed darn it. By the time the firemen came my home was presentable. The circuit breaker in our 1930’s home was unsafe and had caused a small electrical fire.

I didn’t invite the firemen over just to see my clean house. I made the call because I “smelt danger” (I put it in quotes because I feel more like a superhero that way) Smelling danger is a good motivator to get help, but is not meant to be a motivator to clean. Cleaning my house is a good thing but I did it at the wrong time for the wrong reason; it wasn’t a great cleaning job, and it didn't stay clean for very long either.

Losing weight just to be skinny is a horrible motivator. Many of my un-successful attempts at losing weight ended with the thought, “I am never going to look like Jennifer Aniston, pass the gravy”.

When riding an airplane we are told that if the oxygen mask drops down we are to place it on our own face then on our children’s. That is because children need adults. If I thought I was being heroic by giving my son the oxygen mask first, and then I passed out, my son would be left without a mom.

By caring for our bodies, we then are able to use our bodies to care for others. This way we put our “oxygen mask” on first.

This past weekend we took the young women in our ward on an organized float trip down a river. My husband and I had our two youngest in life vests floating with us. We were bringing up the rear, hoping to help any stragglers

One of our 12 year old girls had a hard time navigating; she was on the other side of the river and couldn’t make it to where our group stopped. She tried standing up but the water was well over her head, and she was left hanging on to her tube and being swept down with the current. Being so far behind I watched this happen and felt helpless. Every other leader had their own girls they were watching and were not able to help her.

I jumped in the deep water and started my rescue attempt. She had floated so far down that I was exhausted when I caught up to her. The water was so deep that it was impossible to get her back on her tube. I had to swim pulling her tube across the river to the shallows. It took all my strength. By the time we made it, I felt muscles I didn’t know I had.

Two years earlier, I would have been stuck helplessly watching her float away. I am not a hero, she would have made it to shallow water soon enough, but she was scared and kept crying “help me!” I would have felt horrible explaining to her mom that I just couldn't do it. I felt blessed that my body was strong enough to serve in this way.

Many women say that they don’t have time to take care of themselves, and that it is too hard to find time to exercise and eat right. “Life is too busy” “my kids need me” “I don’t need to be thin more than they need a ride to scouts” “My husband would hate to eat that way”. If the motivator is to look like a movie-star, of course sacrificing for a healthy lifestyle is going to be a low priority. It would be easy to give up walking to make Susie a great lunch for school. But what if Susie needed you to be healthy? What if your coming to her class party unashamed of your weight was more important to her than her lunch? What if your son would rather ride to scouts with the neighbors if it meant that you would be able to go down the slide with him at the park?

If you went for your morning walk and Susie learned to make her own lunch the world wouldn't end. What if you explained to your family that you will be a better mom if you can just have that hour? What if you comforted them with carrots? Children adapt better than we give them credit for.

I have tried to motivate myself just for the sole reason of looking thin – it failed. When I changed my motivation and decided that I would get healthy for myself and my family I was able to walk farther and eat healthier every day. If today you just do a small thing like bake with wheat flour instead of white, or put the baby in a stroller during Oprah and refreshments, you are on the path to being a healthier, stronger woman and a better mother. We know obesity can kill, but it can also exclude us from our families lives. We can't live hiding from cameras and undocumented from our photo albums forever. Our kids need moms at their parties, with their friends, at the park, and on rides. Our husbands are tired of a closet torn apart while we spend hours trying to find something to hide our bellies. Obesity excludes us from so much of life. The sacrifice we make of time to get fit will come back to reward our families in the end.

The fat girls club

2007-08-28T08:15:00.000-07:00

In September 2001 I kissed my husband goodbye. He was leaving on a business trip to Paris. It was an exciting time, not only was my husband able to go somewhere wonderful, we had a secret. We were finally pregnant! For some reason it had been harder that time, and we were thrilled when the ept test came back with two lines instead of one.

On September 11 my husband was flying home when the World Trade Center was attacked. His plane was over the ocean at the time, and his flight diverted to Gander Newfoundland. I didn’t hear from him for the whole day. To make things worse, I was cramping and had started spotting. I had no idea where he was or what was going on, I was scared.

The spotting and cramping continued and I was sure a miscarriage was imminent. The pain worsened however and the bleeding stopped. After 5 days Mel returned home. By that time the pain was so severe that we went straight to my OB. An ultrasound was taken and we found that I had an eptopic pregnancy. Surgery was necessary and I was taken to the hospital.

When I awoke, no longer pregnant I felt pure grief. A couple weeks later I wrote:

“The loss of this pregnancy has really affected me. More than I thought possible. I find watching others with babies makes me sad. I am surprised. I don’t understand the reason for my grief.
Thinking that I still can have other children later on brings very little solace, no real comfort for the pain I have.
I don’t understand why I grieve over one I do not know. I keep telling myself to get over it. My spirit won’t listen to my mind. Today Marlen came and said, “I’m sorry’ to me and gave me a hug.
It made me cry – I’m sorry too. It hurts much more than I thought it would.”

That experience made me part of a “club”. I get it now. I don’t tell mothers who miscarried “Oh well, this is natures way of culling out the bad." or try to lessen her grief by telling her stories of someone who had it worse. It helps nothing. I have learned a bit better to “mourn with those who mourn” (Mosiah 18:9)

Another club I am in is the fat girls club. We fat girls like to be with others who are fat. We are funny; we laugh at each others embarrassments. We comfort each other. We share our peanut M&M’s. We buy our friends Symphony bars when they have a hard day. We get it. We band together. Membership is an identity.

When I get a present others don’t, I feel guilty. When I first lost weight I felt apologetic. I wanted to say really loud, “Hi, I am sorry I look thin, but really, I am a fat girl inside, can I still be in the club?” “Can I still laugh with you at the funny things skinnies say (like I would rather sleep than eat), and will you not be offended if I give the Symphony bar to my son?” Who wants to be exclusive friends with the skinnies? They don’t hear the siren call of the ice cream at two in the morning, I have heard one skinny say that sometimes she just “forgets to eat” Who does that? They don't quite get what you are going through. You want to keep your old friends. You fear you are abandoning them, pretentiously trying to move from their table to the "popular" table in the lunchroom. Remember the recent study that said people who have fat friends are three times more likely to be obese? I think its because part of being in the club is that you give each other permission to sin. “Well, If you have a chili dog, there is no way I am going to eat a salad!” You laugh and say, “well there goes my diet today, pass the pizza!”

We have to change the membership requirements for our fat girls club. Let’s be formerly fat girls who get it, and would like to sell her soul for a pastry, yet is showing restraint. You could never forget to eat. Fatties at heart, skinnies in looks. It isn’t so scary if you give your friends more credit. Will they really be sad if you order the salad? Maybe you could invite them to do the same. Maybe they would like it if you brought baked Lays instead of full fat Cheetos to the party. Ask them to slap your hand away from pizza, the way they do for diabetics grabbing handfuls of candy. Get their support and changing will be easier.

At baptism we make a covenant that we are “willing to bear one anothers burdens that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort…”(Mosiah 18:8-9) I love the sisterhood of support that we have. I have been comforted, lifted up and encouraged by my friends. I am grateful for them. I have not changed my heart size or my humor size because I changed my pant size. I didn't lose my friends. I am sure that you won’t either. Go ahead, you have permission to change, and you can still be in “the club”

Calamity Jane is "Free to Choose"

2007-08-27T08:26:00.000-07:00

In my marriage prep class I was taught about labels becoming self fulfilling prophecies. The professor taught that we sometimes make a blanket statement based on little information, and that it will come true to us in our eyes. The example was. . .”My husband ALWAYS leaves his socks on the floor”. Every time we then see the socks lying next to the bed we feel almost validated. “I told you that he does that” (said in a voice of smug satisfaction), a close look at reality would show that he probably got the socks into the basket SOMETIMES.

Let’s look at labels, self imposed or other wise. When I was a little girl in first grade, I carried a tray of food high over my head. I tripped and as I fell, I managed to save the tray. My family thought that was funny and gave me the nick-name “Calamity Jane”. After I was so christened, if I tripped or stumbled (as any growing girl who is too small for her growing body) I would hear “Calamity Jane”. I kind of liked the distinction, and thought the name was great (especially after I saw the Doris Day movie). The problem was I was not trying things because I thought of myself as clumsy. Who decided that? Why did I have to make the label true?

Who decided you were a fat girl? What if we all decided to look at ourselves with honesty? I could say “I am a skinny girl who only knew one way of coping with some really tough things. I thought food would fix it. I now am acquiring knowledge and am learning to acquire peace and comfort differently."

We break out of our ruts with knowledge. Look at what I have learned: I have learned to check pockets for crayons before putting jeans in the wash. I have learned that the smell in the bathroom is found behind the toilet on the floor. I know what “ring of fire” refers to in childbirth, and I have learned to ask for an epidural upon arrival at the hospital.

We could go on and on listing the lessons learned, and the behaviors we have changed because we learned a better way. We can learn to be healthy, why then do we expect that because we are fat, we will always be fat? Do you really ALWAYS overeat? Do you really ALWAYS hate to exercise? Surely there are positive behaviors we can focus on instead of making our label true. Why did I give up my agency to a self-imposed label? If you have changed other behaviors before by using knowledge, you certainly can re-learn to eat, or re-learn to find exercise enjoyable. So here's what you do, subscribe to fittness magazines, check out books in the library, even buy the magazines that have something about weight loss in it. Apply the things that might work for you, and jettison the bad. Use common sense and the word of wisdom. Remember "All grain is ordained for the use of man..., to be the staff of life"(D&C 89:14) that pretty much destroys the Atkins thing doesn't it? You just try something new each day, and you are on your way.

We learn in plan of salvation 101 that life is a time to learn and gain experiences: “Seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.” (D&C 88:118)

Decide who you want to be and begin today to be it. “I want to be healthy instead of fat.” “I am going to acquire knowledge on health and nutrition and apply what I learned today.” You get to choose what your label will be. I am no longer Calamity Jane because I am clumsy. I am Calamity Jane because I am a tough woman who can shoot straight.

“Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose. . .”(2 Nephi 2:27)

Whistle While You Work

2007-08-24T07:53:00.000-07:00

My dad was known as the “whistling dentist” His office was filled with music from the 40’s and 50’s. It was fun working there. People often commented on how happy and carefree he was, but I learned the secret as his employee. He whistled when he was stressed, and when things got hard, the deadlines impossible and people were grumpy. It seemed to make him happy.

This morning I went on my run as usual. I felt discouraged, no motivation, my hamstrings seemed too tight, and it was dark and I was tired. I mused about my dad, and wondered if I could apply the same practice. Knowing it would be difficult to whistle and run at the same time I thought about dancing. Running is just dancing in a straight line, right? I juiced up my ipod to its highest setting and started to sing with Shiana. “I feel like a woman.” Because it was dark, I used the cloak of anonymity to play the air guitar. The run became fun and another mile disappeared.

When I was in Canada I decided to try an idea that I read about in Runners World. When you get to the peak of exhaustion instead of stopping to walk, run at a full pace as far as you can. I was at the crest of a hill, just passing a dairy farm and could see the turn around point. I ran as fast as I could. It was amazing. I felt like I was flying. Like a little 3rd grader grinning as she chased her friends. I was wonderwoman. It was joy!

This morning remembering my fast run I decided to do it again. I flew from the stop sign to the turn around spot. It felt like I was young again. Don’t get me wrong, I had to stop and walk after, and my lungs seemed headed for certain collapse, but for a moment my 39 year old body became young, and I flew. I grinned as I pushed past the previous endurance line. I had no limits, knew no bounds. After recovering I went back to my usual trot and smiled at what I had just accomplished.

My challenge to you this morning is to fly, to dance, to sing. Find the joy. Be a 16 year old with a brush for a microphone. If we truly believe Nephi and believe that men are that they might have joy, then we had better learn to find that joy through difficult things. Please understand the finding process is a verb. For us real people excercise does not come automatically with a smile to paste on our faces. Find means to be creative and discover what can make you happy. Dance on your elliptical, sing through your sit-ups, go your hardest, do your best, find the joy!

Or in other words, “Whistle while you work”.

"My Soul Hungered"

2007-08-22T08:16:00.000-07:00

Somehow I got a rash on my shins. It is nearly invisible to the eye, but not to the nerve endings that are constantly irritated. This morning at 4:00 I woke up to the sound of my scratching. I can scratch and scratch but once I stop scratching, the itch remains, the relief is gone.

I think a lot about emotions. The ups and downs rule and govern how I eat, if I sleep, If I sing and dance, or mope and cry.

When I started this blog I wanted to discuss something purely emotional, something I had no words for. It is a phenomena to me. Something that I do that must be put into words to understand. I think I might be getting close.

There are times that I have found myself looking at a half eaten bowl of ice cream and I know I am not hungry and yet I continue eating. The next bite is already in line waiting for its turn to be shoveled in. My mouth can be full, and I can have no more hunger but my hand waits obediently to put more food in. I think “I don’t even know why I am eating this” and yet I continue.

As a girl I remember watching my dad coming home after work, or meetings at the church, and almost bracing himself at the table. One arm steadying him, the other feeding him. There seemed to be a trance-like state that he went into as he satiated his hunger. He was a very hard working man. Sometimes after finishing his food he would take the thing he was eating and kind of throw it from him with a look of disgust. I have done the same thing. I have left a table full physically and yet I am still hungry.

When I invited the spirit to help me lose weight, things changed. I felt certain promptings. Once while I was getting some chocolate pudding, the thought came to my head, “will that pudding fix what hurts?” “Once it is gone will the problems be gone too?” “Exactly how much pudding will it take to solve this problem?”

I found a scripture that put those promptings to words: 2Ne 27:3 “. . .it shall be unto them, even as unto a hungry man which dreameth, and behold he eateth but he awaketh and his soul is empty; or like unto a thirsty man which dreameth, and behold he drinketh but he awaketh and behold he is faint, and his soul hath appetite;. . .”

I have learned that my over eating has been like the scratching of my rash. My rash itches, I scratch, and while I am scratching I find relief, but if I stop the itch is back. I am left with two obvious solutions: I can either continue to eternally scratch until the skin is red and bloody, or I can go get help, and find the reason for the itch and then fix the problem so I will have no more need to scratch. While I am eating, I am temporally lulled into comfort and I find some relief, but when I stop, the comfort stops as well. Comfort has to be found with something that truly feeds and fills the viod, not food, but peace. Trying to fix that which is broken spiritually with temporal things will not work.

I have learned that it is impossible to feed my soul with that which perisheth. Look up “hunger” in the topical guide, This is not a new problem. Enos solved his souls hunger through prayer. Alma teaches the poor to “feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst”(Alma 32:42) Jesus tells the Nephites “He that eateth this bread eateth of my body to his soul; and he that drinketh of this wine drinketh of my blood to his soul; and his soul shall never hunger nor thirst, but shall be filled” (3Nephi 20:8)

The solution comes through prayer and communication with our Father. Even more important than exercise and menu planning is the need to have your souls hunger satiated, which can only be done through Christ. No amount of chocolate pudding can take His place.

I have had miracles happen in my life. I found a wonderful therapist through LDS social services. I was led to someone who helped me find what I was trying to fix with food. As I let go some of the old patterns and learned to replace them with healthy ones I was able to finally satiate that hunger. The fix may be different for each one of us, but will be taylored to meet your needs through the quiet promptings of the Holy Ghost. I am so grateful for Christ in my life. I can say like Nephi “My God hath been my support he hath led me through mine afflictions. . .He hath filled me with his love . . . “(2 Nephi 4:20,21)

The Cake and Mike, David, Joseph and Amulek

2007-08-20T06:18:00.000-07:00

I love cake. Not fancy homemade ones, but the store bought ones with eerie blue icing made of Crisco. One particularly long day at work many years ago I got a craving bigger than my will. I drove to the Albertsons bakery and picked up a cake and looked at it, it was a perfect birthday cake but it was not my birthday. I felt unseen eyes watching me, I knew that the bakery girls were whispering “I bet she has no friends, and that she is going to eat it herself”. It was true, yet I wanted to share that secret with no one. With angry eyes I handed the cake to the baker and asked her to write “Happy Birthday Mike”. That would show her! I felt smug with my pretend friend, Of course this Mike was handsome, rich and successful, and more than those silly girls could ever hope for. I, the adoring girlfriend was going to celebrate this very special day in his arms. I was sure that those judgmental girls were instantly jealous, and as I left the bakery with a plastic fork I felt giddy in my charade. The eating wasn’t as fun as the acquiring.

As you know this past week we were on holiday. Mel and I made a menu and shopped in advance. The food for our trip was carefully planned and was going to all be healthy choices to go with our new lifestyle. Of course there were two spontaneous purchases, Hershey’s Kissables, and Mother’s pink and white frosted circus cookies, the kind with the sprinkles. I said that they were for the kids, but those treats were really intended for “Mike”

Most of the trip I resisted temptation. I passed out the cookies and candy. They weren’t all eaten and so I put them away for later. Later came after a few days and found me in the car alone tired and hungry. I was on my way to Taber for some 2X16 joist hangers (this was a working vacation). The siren call of the treats woke me up. I smiled.

With the two bags on my lap I started in on my celebration. There was an internal battle however. (If you haven’t already figured out, I talk to myself.) “What would you tell your blog friends to do?” “Right, pray - I’m supposed to pray right now and that is supposed to make me not want to eat this?” I said a feeble prayer, felt nothing, and then ate the candy and cookies. Maybe the spirit helped me to not inhale as fast as I could have, but I was not delivered.

Troubled at what I had done I wondered what it was that I am trying to say to you all. “Prayer didn’t work for me – but I think you should try it.”? After much more prayer and reflection I figured it out. My fall didn't have anything to do with lack of faith I fell because I did not avoid danger.

Think David. Seeing Bath-sheba and calling for her was putting himself in danger. If he could have jumped off his roof and went for a nice cool walk his life would have continued and his exaltation made sure. By calling for Bath-sheba he put himself in grave danger. He put himself in a situation where he could not succeed.

Now think Joseph. In Genesis 39:12 it says “And she (Potiphar’s wife) caught him by his garment, saying, Lie with me: and he left his garment in her hand, and fled, and got him out.”

Amulek is fighting with Zeezrom and says: “Oh thou child of hell, why tempt ye me? Knowest thou that the righteous yieldeth to no such temptations?”

Could we liken that? I should have not invited my favorite candies and cookies on my trip. I should have said to hersheys in the store, “Oh thou candy from hell, why tempt ye me? Knowest thou that the skinny yieldeth to no such temptations?” And then like Joseph, I should have “got me out”

When I returned from Taber with the joist hangars and a large bag of guilt I brought in with me the rest of the cookies and candy and put them in bowls and shared them with the kids. I couldn’t keep them around any longer for “Mike”, we broke up.

You have to remove the temptations from your life so you don’t get into situations where even prayer cannot deliver you. The junk food that you buy for the kids and can’t leave alone, don’t buy anymore. The kids’ probably will be better off anyway. I have flushed chocolate down the toilet in the morning when I was strong, to protect myself from the afternoon when I am weak. The garbage can isn’t even safe when I get to foraging.

Is it time for you to break up with your “Mike”? It isn’t a healthy relationship. Get his junk food out of your house and kick him to the curb.

Mexican Lasagna

2007-08-11T10:42:00.000-07:00

I am on holiday in Canada and have no internet at my MIL's so I will be on vacation for a week. Until then, cook this:

Mexican Lasagna
This is made healthier by cutting back the meat and putting in more beans. It is great served with fat free sour cream and salsa and shredded lettuce. OLE!

1 pound extra-lean ground beef
1 clove minced garlic
1 onion diced
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
1 10 oz can enchilada sauce
1 8 oz can tomato sauce
2 15 oz cans chili beans
1 17 oz can corn, undrained
1 small can chopped olives
8 -10 corn tortillas, torn into large peices
1/2 cup finely shredded cheese

Brown ground beef, garlic and onion. Drain off fat. Season with salt and pepper. Add sauces, beans, corn, and olives. Place 1 cup meat sauce in the bottom of a large casserole. Add a layer of corn tortillas. Repeat layers until meat sauce and tortillas are used, ending with meat sauce. Cover and bake in a 350 oven for 30 minutes. Sprinkle with cheese and let stand 10 minutes before serving.

I hope you like it, and don't forget to come back to me monday Aug 20th!

The case against strech pants

2007-08-08T21:49:00.000-07:00

There is a certain joy in anonymity. Walking into a grocery store in another city brings a freedom that is alluring. Yes I can go without makeup. Is there a large zit lighting up the left region of my face? Who cares? I don’t know a soul. Children lying on floor screaming? You can step over them, pretend they are not yours and no one would know otherwise. No, I do not have to control my children. Yes I can put the extra-large package of toilet paper right next to the frozen burritos and chocolate bars on top of the cart. No need to be discreet, no need to be self-conscious. I can even mutter unkind things to the person with 14 items in the twelve items or less and not worry that he could be my former Bishop.

Thighs feel the same way. As smoke grows to fill a room so does your thigh grow to fill your pants. A size tag on my bottom offers a monitor and a warning for better behavior. While anonymity in a grocery store is freeing – anonymity, as in not knowing what size you are, is dangerous.

Everyone has a favorite pair of fat pants. They are usually comfortably stretchy and in black (the color that minimizes). There is no other size on the tag besides XXL or better yet “one size fits all”. You think they are your best friend but they deceive. I have been known to cut off the size tag of particularly offending apparel just to improve my self esteem. I worry that there could be size police that look inside my clothing and mock me while I am not looking. But the denial of my size is in the big picture going to keep me from changing it.

I have talked before of the danger of denial. Denial is not your friend. I will once again quote the good doctor and say: “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”

Know your size. Know what your first goal is and when you want to reach it. Did you know that every 10 lbs lost means you shrink a dress size? Are you a 26? Shout it to the world. “I am a 26 and I am not going to take it anymore!” Tell the world “In 2 months time I will be a 24, and in another 2 months I will be a 22, and in another 2 months as a size 20 I will take my 26 pants and use them for a tent to shelter and keep my svelte body warm and dry!“

Police your size. A size is like a ruler. If it seems to be getting a bit harder to breathe in your size 18’s then don’t jump up a size, use the pain to remind you that seconds are out of the question just now, and use them to give you the ability to say: “NO, I do NOT want a doggie bag- I would like to avoid looking like a St. Bernard. “

Time to liken because that is what I like to do: Let’s think repentance. If you do not acknowledge that what you are doing is wrong then you will not be able to get to the actual changing part. Knowledge is power. Knowing our size is like repentance in that we have to understand that what we are doing is taking us in the opposite direction of where we want to go. My mission president told us that every evening we needed to repent, that that was what the gospel is - the gospel of repentance. I felt insulted at first. Could he think that I could sin every day???? Well turns out I can , did, and do. I will never grow if I don't practice repentance. It is such a wonderful way to feel close to Heavenly Father. Not admitting that we are doing things wrong will make it so we can't learn how to do things right. That goes for both sin and the way we care for our bodies.

The last thing that I have to say before I pack for our “holiday” (Canadian word for vacation) is – Always jump into your new size and then burn the bridges that lead back to fat land. As I dropped the weight I found a certain doubt and fear would haunt me. I kept the clothes that were 2 or three sizes too large in a garbage bag in the garage. I kept thinking that it represented a bunch of money and what if I got fat again?

Think every faith analogy that you learned in primary. Think of the fear and faith not being able to co-exist thing. I don’t have time to write all of the lessons but you have taught them a million times. Now teach yourself. It is scary to give up doubt. When you save the clothes that you shrunk out of it means that you don’t believe in your partnership with God. Burning those bridges means a commitment to change. It means that you are ready to be a new person. It means learning a whole new way to walk (anyone else thinking of the sesame street song?). You are going to have to do the likening but I am sure you can tell where I am going. My husband poo-pooed the fear and drove the fat clothes to the D.I. He said that I was being silly and that I wasn’t going to be fat again. I felt scared and excited that he believed that I could do it. This is the new me.

I still have night terrors that include me ballooning like Violet in Wonka Land but, I am building new friendships and I hope that you will all police me. “Thee lift me and I’ll lift thee and together we’ll ascend”