Seasons Change

I have been fat and thin alternately all through my life. I think of the times I have faced challenges in my life and it is easy to tell when those took place by looking to see in pictures when I was fat. Eating was the way I unknowingly faced those problems. Each time I lost weight I did so through diet and exercise, but the paths I took to get there were different. My husband reminded me of Nephi and all of the times he had to deal with Laman and Lemuel. He was led by the spirit using different means to accomplish the same purpose. Once he reasoned with them, once he inspired them, once an angel spoke to them, once he shocked them, and once his wife and other women pleaded to Laman and Lemuel in his behalf. Each solution fit the situation perfectly, Nephi couldn't have interchanged solutions because they were custom made for each particular challenge. Using the same strategy for each problem makes no sense for us as well. The problems I faced as a young mom were amazingly different from the challenges I face today, not harder or easier, just different. That is why Heavenly Father is so important. He can help customize solutions for every season in life.

My mind keeps coming to one particular season over and over, if I don't write about it I think I will be letting someone down. Before I was married I was a skinny, peppy, educated, well dressed returned missionary working at the MTC who had finally grown out her bad perm and had just gotten smooth longest ever (shoulder length) hair. I had a cute boyfriend, cute car, darling roommates and a tan. In just 2 years I became someone completely different, and it all had to do with becoming a mother.

My happily ever after ended right about the time my husband and I found out that I was pregnant. I really was excited about it, thrilled really, but I had no idea what hormones could do to a nice girl, and that eating wasn't going to solve it. Right before I gave birth to my first son I realized that I had gained a bit too much weight. Even after the baby came out I knew he would not be packing 60 pounds with him. I needed a plan, and thinking I could hide the 60 pounds by adopting Jane's short hair cut on "Melrose Place" (pictured above), I whacked all of my hair off . Somehow I reasoned that a cute short hair cut would make me look thinner. I was still in the one size fits all thinking and it looked darling on her, so it should be darling on me. Alas, after the cut I just looked like a fat adolescent boy. In a fit of desperation, thinking I could hide the cut I went to a beauty school and had my hair colored for the first time. I was excited and sure that I discovered the ultimate disguise for my fat. When it came time for the unveiling the student gasped and said something about coloring hair with red pigment was tough... I looked and saw magenta, which does nothing for me, but rather screams "I am completely pathetic - somebody help me!!!". Weeks later, on the delivery table I wailed that I could see my hair from the mirror strategically placed at the foot of the bed, and wouldn't someone please move it???

A few weeks before I delivered, my husband had an ex-girlfriend call and say that she had to return something to him. I knew she was skinny, cute and had long beautiful hair that was not the color of a rather large Purple Dinosaur. There was no way I was going to see her. I did not expect Mel to invite her in and was horrified when he did. I was trapped in the kitchen and was not going to come out. I did not want to see the sympathetic look she was sure to give to Mel when she saw his large magenta wife. Hidden and jealous, I listened in on their small talk, unaware that I was about to be discovered by her dog - she brought her dog - who does that? Why does a student own a large friendly Husky? He came to the very spot where I was hiding. I kept trying to push him away, mouthing the words "GO ON!" but he stayed, wagging his tail waiting for a treat that he must have assumed anyone as large as me would have in my pocket. I panicked, I didn't want her to come and find me talking sign language to her dog. I slipped out the kitchen door, and walked around the back of our little apartment. It was dark, night, and I had no keys and no where to go, my only choice I saw at that point was to crawl into our bedroom window. Of course I was 9 months pregnant and I looked like Shamo trying to squeeze into a tuna can. I was humiliated, depressed and angry at my out of control life.

Once my baby came I tried to play house. I cleaned our little apartment in about 1/2 hour every day, I played with the baby, napped with the baby, played with the baby, napped with the baby, watched tv with the baby, put on my make up, cleaned up, made dinner fed my husband, watched him study and then went to bed. Most days I didn't have a car, and there was no family around. We didn't know it then, but a bit of postpartum seeped in, and I was unable to do things with old friends. I was lonely, but too depressed to do anything about it. My life had changed drastically and I didn't know what to do, so I ate and watched tv, Barney, Maury, Thomas, Oprah...

Pretty soon I couldn't stand it anymore, I finally felt as pathetic as I looked. I prayed a lot, and wrote a lot, and finally Heavenly Father and I made a plan. Even though I had a degree in Psychology I had really wanted to study history. I was going to educate myself and learn about the second world war which I was always interested in. I went to the library and checked out my first book on the Third Reich. Next I studied Goering, one of Hitlers Henchmen, and from there Albert Speer who was Hitlers architect and who many thought would be the next in line for Hitlers job. I learned about the Nurenburg trials and the Spandau prison where many Nazi Leaders served their sentences. Little Colton and I laid on the floor, he learning to crawl, me alternately reading and playing, learning to be a stay at home mom who values education, self imposed or otherwise, we were both pretty wobbly.

Step two in my plan was that I had to exercise. By then it was winter in Provo and I lived in the ghetto, and it was hard to convince anyone to walk with me. I prayed for a partner and Heavenly Father led me to a girl named Cynthia who was just crazy enough to go out with me. We enjoyed our morning talks and felt safe and motivated.

Step three was that I needed friends, so Heavenly Father gave me Kellee. She was funny, and we got along so well, we alternated cooking dinner, we baby sat for each other, we talked and dreamed of days when we would get an income. She and I tried to dress and leave our apartments every day, which for me at that time was huge. We walked to the pet store on Provo's main street, we fed ducks, and when we had cars we walked the mall or went to the library. We planned double dates with our husbands, served in the church together and had many long meaningful talks.

The last problem, my hair was the hardest of all to solve, but I was led to bandannas, ball caps and Clarol Herbal Essence. Time and a vow to never touch the scissors again solved that problem eventually.

These steps seem so normal and mundane, but to me they were life altering. I had lost my anchoring and comfort, I didn't know how to walk in my new role as a mother. Heavenly Father gently instructed and taught me. Learning and following Him made the weight I was so worried about come off. Of course I faced other challenges later and gained weight for other reasons, but with His help we custom made solutions to fit those problems. I am going to spend each day this week sharing other times I have had to re strategize. Problems change so the way we solve them must as well.

With God Nothing is Impossible

I am repeating this entry written in July because I want to stress the one thing that truly made the difference in my weight loss. I fear I do not stress enough that I couldn't have lost any weight without the help of the Lord. I already knew all of the dieting advise, I knew what I was supposed to eat and when and how much, I knew that I was supposed to excercise. The struggle then was to change my "natural man" (vegatitive overeater) to the person I wanted to be (fit, healthy, active mother and wife). I do not claim to be a dietition or a personal trainer, but I can tell you some of the things I was taught through gentle instructions of the Lord through His spirit. Real lasting change happens when we seek the Lord in all that we do. That is what made the difference for me. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, and a Sabbath that refreshes and renews.

With God Nothing is Impossible

One week after I "got real" and did everything Dr.Phil and the other diet gurus told me to do, I still weighed the same. I felt like a desperate crazy woman. I got on the scale and cried. I had started the way I thought I was supposed to start. I did some hard things, why didn’t I lose at least 2 pounds?

I didn’t want to be fat anymore, but I still really loved eating. I didn’t think I was eating so badly, why was I so fat? I ate fruits, veggies, whole grains, sometimes French fries, sometimes chips, but not too often, or not too much. I ate chocolate, but who doesn’t? Sometimes I ate ice cream, but not to a degree that it would kill me. Yea, pizza once in awhile, but not very often, and sometimes I took off the topping. As the old saying goes, “I was in denial, and it wasn’t a river in Egypt.

Alma tells his son Helaman:
“Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord. . . He goes on to say “counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good” (Alma 37:36-37)

This is where I had to modify Dr. Phil a bit and ask for some serious help. It really did matter to me. Heavenly Father cares about our bodies too, that’s why we have the word of wisdom. I am sure He wants us running as fast and as well as we can. I tearfully asked my husband for a blessing. This is what I truly attribute to the beginning of my success. In asking for that blessing I was humbling myself and asking the Lord to give me the strength I needed. I know I can do all things with His help, faith then is what I needed. I then started to pray to the Lord for his help and counsel. Do you remember Alma’s counsel to the poor Zoramites?

“But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if you can no more that desire to believe, let this desire work in you. . .” (Alma 32:27)

I had the desire to get fit, just not the desire to do the hard work. I needed to have the desire work in me to change my way of thinking. I had to ask Heavenly Father to help me to want to do, and learn the things necessary for change, because on my own I was powerless. I needed to seek counsel from someone who wrote the owners manual for our bodies – God.

My plan was this, in the morning, I “counseled with the Lord” In my morning prayer I asked him for strength. For desire to exercise, for ability to eat right, and for knowledge on how I could change. During the day, snack time, lunch time, before and after dinner I asked him to show me when to quit, what to eat, and what I could do to change old habits. At night, in my prayer I would thank him and ask him to help me hear his counsel tomorrow. I even asked him to help me to want to get up and exercise.

This truly was the beginning of my transformation. I know that Heavenly Father cares about me. He told the Nephite apostles:

”Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? Or, What shall we drink? Or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things”
But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.” (3 Nephi 13:31-33)

cr-Happy new year!

A few years ago, my sister carrot and I had a sieres of unfortunate events which led to a discussion of what went wrong. We asked what we did that made fate deal us these terrible hands. We broke it down to one thing: at 12:01 January 1st we were misheard. The fates heard us say "Crappy New Year!" instead of the more traditional "Happy New Year!" Slap myself on the head with the palm of my hand - that solves everything! The solution is next year we will really shout "HAPPY" loud and slow!

Since then I have really tried to do just that New Years Day, but some days I wonder if, no matter how hard I ennunciated my happy on new years day I keep getting misheard. I have been told I mumble, and sometimes I tend to "low talk" so if that is the case, I am going to take diction lessons pretty darn soon.

On days where my mumbling mistake is especially evident, I look for help. It used to be that I would look in my pantry, for the magic medicine - I tried everything, mouthful after mouthful. Usually relief from the one problem came because now I had replaced it by guilting over eating the entire contents of my refridgerator and pantry, well just the good stuff.

Country western songs talk about drowning sorrows in a bottle of booze, ciggaretts say they offer a calming buzz, and my former vice food, offers me distraction from that which ails me. When I gave up emotional eating I wailed to my husband on a particularly bad day, "I have nothing left! What do I get to do to soothe my pain? what will bring me some relief?" Maybe that is the wisdom in the word of wisdom. Maybe Heavenly Father wants us to put away the false comfort and seek Him. I guess it is time to phone home.

Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish
Where in my need to know,
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand
to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane,
Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds
for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.

-LDS Hymns #129

"Where Can I Turn For Peace"

I Love a Parade

Every morning I am part of a parade of people. There is the guy who bears an uncanny resemblance to his large dog strapped to his belt, there is my neighbor who I wonder if I have offended or doesn't wear her contacts in the morning because I always wave but I am not acknowledged. There are the two girls from my ward - Tara and Stephanie who I know I will see from a distance at 6:13. I know I will see them at a distance because I avoid ever catching up to them. These are two amazons who both ran 5K's and placed while each were 9 MONTHS PREGNANT!!! You know how I say I got 3rd place in the 5K? Well Stephanie just about to give birth came in second, Tara first. I am terrified that one day I will end up running right by them and they will kick my heiney, and I will have to pretend that I run that fast every morning while disguising my inability to breathe. Another gal, Camille, in my ward placed in the twenty something bracket, and I advoid her on our parade as well - for the same reasons. There are countless others that make up our group, grumpy man wearing fedora who walks in the middle of the sidewalk, never willing to pull over, and there is young man wearing hunters orange which makes me question my own safety wearing all black - however I am pretty intent on not ever wearing a color that can be seen from the planet Venus.

Every once in awhile a few people are added, and some drop. One very heavy lady who had her walk impaired because of her thighs rubbing together was with us and every morning I wanted to shout "good job!" but worried that she might be startled at someone running up behind her and shouting and would want use her pepper spray on me. I haven't seen her for awhile and miss her.

This week we have a new member, I have christened her in my mind as "she who walks small dog rapidly while talking on her cel phone at 5:45 a.m." I baffle at who on earth she could be talking to or if she is just trying to ward off muggers by showing she has friends who know right where she is. I like that lady, she doesn't have a walking partner, so she calls someone up and takes them along by phone.

I silently cheer for people who join our parade. While I am running I wave to some, and nod at others, we have an unspoken camaraderie. I have no reason to believe that they can't succeed, and I would never stop one and say "I know you are trying this now, but you have tried in the past and failed, so you might as well go back to bed" That sounds ridiculous, yet I have said that to myself and I am ashamed to say I have said (or thought - which is just as bad) the same kind of thing to family members.

I want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt including me. I am going to believe that everyone can be who they want to be with faith and works. I am going to expect people to do their best and if they fail, I want to be their cheerleader, and be patient, full of love and hope. I want to be the person that my husband will shout from a podium to a massive group of people - "I would like to thank my wife, she always believed in me and I never could have succeeded with out her." Then crowds will cheer, and I will look on them as a benevolent angel waving with tears in my eyes while wearing a beautiful ball gown made of tole and sequins all while floating above them in a bubble, sort of like Glenda the good witch. I am tired of being Elphaba, the wicked witch of the west to myself, family and friends. I am going to cheer for my family and myself the same way I do for my silent friends on my parade. My sister (Carrot Jello, the famous blogger) and I decided that we should be like June Cleaver, she was always so kind and positive to Ward, Wally and the Beaver. They were lucky to have her. I never once heard her give the Beave a lecture and then say "of course you wont obey because you never do." So Carrot and I decided we are going to put on aprons before our husbands and family come home to remind ourselves to "Be June". And saying this, I can only expect the good.

True change is part of the Gospel. It is what the atonement is all about. What if christ was sent to complain about the world that through him the world might be critized? Luckily it doesn't work that way. Christ changes our hearts and behavior, He heals and teaches:

"...for ye say that your hearts are changed through faith on his name; therefore, ye are born of him and have become his sons and his daughters" (Mosiah 5:7)

Just about every family night we sing "I am a Child of God". I am His child, so are you and so is my family. We are entitled to unlimited potential. Who are we to tell God that we, or others are incapable of change? We can change and be whoever we want to be, if you want to be healthy and thinner you can if you do it through faith in Christ who will help you do the hard work. I have every reason to believe this because that is how I changed. God is no respecter of persons, We just can't be afraid to join the parade.

Tree on the Prairie

Calamity Jane is quite an amazing creature to behold. Let me tell you a little of what I witnessed during her remarkable journey.

But first, I must tell of my brother who loves trees. We did not live in a place that trees grew naturally and each tree had to be cared for and nurtured. He, in particular, loved to see what he could get to grow in that dusty little prairie village.

I, on the other hand had to mow the lawn - and those trees kept getting in the way. Sitting on the old Allis-Chalmers lawn tractor, I was apt to day dream and was know to mow right over some of his little seedlings that I mistook for, well for nothing since I was likely not paying attention.

He had planted a tree, not common for our parts, and I mowed over it that same year. Then I ran over it and I really thought it was dead. But it came back. It really didn't have any reason to hold on.

I really thought it was sort of silly to watch this little stick struggle for life. It didn't seem to even make any progress.

This last summer, we put a swing in it.

So it was with mighty Calamity Jane. She weighed in each morning. Soon she shared with me her progress and kept her calender out in plain sight. One morning, she lamented on the weary progress she was making. She could pass a week with nothing discernible to show.

Then, being the engineer I am, I graphed the weights she had recorded. To her astonishment, the graph revealed a general downward trend with occasional plateaus and even increases in weight. However, when I drew a line that generalized the trend we could predict when she would hit her target weight.

And she did it just as the prediction showed.

This is a demonstration of the principle of longsuffering and enduring to the end. I don't see the Gospel as a fast and easy pursuit. The Law of the Harvest prevails. We learn precept on precept. We are meant to grow; following the Savior's example - not instantly become our dream.

Here, I was taught by the example. CJ's righteous desire to take care of that gift, her body, reached her goal pound by pound. She applied the principles that she learned to be true. This was not instantaneous success; rather, she planted, tended then harvested her reward.

My brother could have given up on his little stick in the ground, but he nurtured and let it grow. It grew almost imperceptibly. I certainly did not witness any rapid movement. Yet there it stands, with boughs outstretched.

One thing for sure, she has moved me to begin a journey of greater health. Putting patience true principles into action can bring wonderful results.

(Thanks for letting me post!)

The Evasive Manuvers of my Dieting

#5 - Pizza Friday

Fiday my family loves to eat pizza. I love pizza, the whole world loves pizza. Those Italians gave us some very good things, but this is the best. I remember the early days of my marriage and my husband and I would get the "2fer" pizzas at Little Caesers. I would get a large pepperoni and mushroom and he would get the large combo. I could down a whole pizza by myself but if there was some left it was saved for breakfast. I couldn't understand why I gained so much weight those first years of marriage. Hmmmm.

Well we still have pizza on fridays, but it is a healthier option. Here is the recipe I use for a whole wheat crust, it is so good and doesn't get soggy. I got it from the "Set For Life" book by Jane Merrill and Karen Sunderland

2 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
1 T sugar
1 T dry yeast
1/2 t salt
1 cup comfortably hot water
2 T oil

Mix 2 cups flour, sugar, yeast and salt. Add water. Let stand while preparing dough. Knead 5 minutes; let dough rest 5 minutes. Use a pizza roller to roll dough about 1/4 inch thick on a lightly greased heavy pizza pan or baking sheet. To prevent soggy crust, prebake at 500 degrees for 3 to 4 minutes, just until puffed but not brown. After baking, spread dough with sauce (I use spagetti sauce) and add desired toppings. Bake in a 500 degree oven for 10 to 12 minutes for a large pizza or 5 to 7 minutes for a medium or small pizza.

We let the kids put their own toppings, and sometimes divide the dough into personal pizzas, the kids love making thier own pizza and get quite creative. It is a fun family activity that we all look forward to. Remember mozerella cheese has less fat than cheddar, and you can add a smaller amount and still get the flavor. One favorite is ham and pineapple, you can buy lowfat ham lunchmeat and cut it up. Other ideas include lowfat turkey sausage, and I am pretty sure you can get a lower fat version of pepperoni. I love veggie pizzas, and use all the mushrooms, olives, peppers, tomatoes, and pineapple and fresh basil I can fit on it. When my husband and I were in Rome I was amazed at how little cheese they really use on a pizza, the crust was crispy thin, had beautiful bright red tomato sauce, thin slices of ham (which I can't spell right now, but it starts with pro...) peices of fresh basil, sliced roma tomatoes and slices of buffalo motzerella. It was a celestial experience, I will never look at the telestial version pizza hut offers the same way again. Get creative, and enjoy!

Happy Friday! Send me a picture!

The evasive manuvers of my dieting

#4. Apathy (the hardest to evade)
Someone had on their fridge the words "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." I believe that when I am getting dressed and nothing fits, but when I am in front of a bakery, I beg to differ.

One of the biggest deterrents to success is apathy. I can justify sinning against anything I am not 100% committed to, budgeting, laundry, and in the past - exercise. What is it with me? I get committed to a healthy life when I can't button up my jeans, or when my blouse puckers between buttons, but that commitment fades when faced with the first pangs of desire. Sometimes that happens as early as breakfast and cinnamon rolls, sometimes I hold off until after lunch and the siren call of last nights birthday cake drowns out any sense of reason, any memory of the tourniquet jeans tightening around my waist. All I can hear are the calls of chocolate cookies singing from their hiding place.

How about exercise? My contract with fitness was signed in blood when I tried on leather boots at the shoe store and couldn't zip any up. I didn't even know that I had fat calves. Yet first thing in the morning denial and apathy hits me the hardest. "I dont look so bad, I don't even care about boots - If an outfit really needs them, well I will just wear my husbands black socks and paint a zipper on the side." My alarm went of at 5:15 this morning and as I lay in a warm bed dry and drowsy I came up with 5 legitimate reasons why I should stay in bed - "I had an extra hard workout yesterday, I went to bed so late, I need to get started on scripture study early today, I will walk later on with the kids, I can go twice tomorrow..." . I have been doing that for 1 1/2 years now. I have learned that while it may take 2 weeks to establish an exercising habit, for me it just takes 1 day to break it. I am terrified of that happening. I just read a statistic that says 82% of dieters gain back their weight within a year.

I need a huge wake up call from the slumber of denial. I have a ritual now that started two years ago this month, I weighed in at 205. I recovered from my mild heart-attack, and after the paramedics left, I decided that I was in trouble. From September to January I lost 7 lbs, and then I stuck at 198. For three weeks I couldn't get the scale to move. Frantic and in tears I decided to get Heavenly help and make a record. Every day I weighed in and wrote my weight on my calendar. I know how much I weighed almost every day in the year 2006. Pick a day. You say February 7th, 2006? 191. How about March 15 - 183.5. On passover April 13th I weighed 181 (dang chocolate bunnies). May 15th, my 38th birthday I weighed 173.5, On flag day June 14 I was 165.5. July 4th our Independence day I had lost 43 1/2 lbs and weighed 161.5. August 18th was my 20 year class reunion and I weighed 156.5. Last year on this very day I weighed in at 155 - no explanation, just one of those plateaus. On the 1st of October I was 152, and on my 14th anniversary - the 24th of October I got down to 146.5. Thanksgiving I weighed 140, and December 13 I weighed 136. January 5th- 135 where I have stayed plus or minus 3 since. Even now I weigh in daily. Last night I weighed in before I went to bed so I could use the number (up three since Saturday) to motivate me to get up in the morning.

I know that there have been times in my life that scale watching has been dangerous for my mood and attitude. I know that everyone is in a different season. I know that when I was heavy I was doing the best I could at the time. But in January 2006 the time was right for me, and I began my walk down the scale. Weighing in every day is the wake up call I need. For me, failure to check in every day causes apathy, I forget my ultimate goal, and laugh off the quiet voice that says "you can't afford to eat that..." when I am busy. Seeing the patterns of the ups and downs also helps. I know that after every two months I plateaued and had to make my workout harder. I know during certain times of the month I can count on being up a few pounds, and the next week they go away. I read that callendar like a book. It is ragged from so much reading. On times I would get discouraged I would look back at what I had already accomplished, it gave me hope that I could continue.

"And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well - and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them carefully down to hell." (2Nephi28:21)

The Evasive Manuvers of my dieting

#3 Fast Food

I know, you thought that I talked about that yesterday, but I am not referring to the roadside food brothels, but me. Sometimes I eat my food FAST, really fast. I hate it. I have two speeds really fast, and really slow. On busy days, I run a million miles a minute - I dash to and fro enjoying my speed, impressing myself with my complete worth as a mother. I instinctively go faster, When I know I have to rush to get someone somewhere, I forget to slow down, I forget that once the child is delivered, I am free. The rush is over, I can let my death grip on the steering wheel go. My tension should be released. Noooo not for me, I rush to the store, I rush to the school, I rush on my errands. It then becomes impossible for me to eat slow. When I eat fast I eat too much. Simple.

Yesterday is a good example, I rushed everywhere, every hour was scheduled. First thing in the morning I reset my odometer for a new route I wanted to run and as the day went on I found that I had driven 31 miles without leaving my city limits, in fact I don't think I went past a 15 mile radius, just up and down my hill, over and over. Instead of lunch I ate everything in my purse, cranberries, almonds, saltines - I had a weeks worth, but I kept refuling a full belly. When I got home I rushed around getting snacks for the teeming masses, while doing so I nervously ate and dramatically thought "would I get to soccer on time??" (of course dummy, it is only a ten minute drive) "How was I going to get my two-year old back into her car seat?? (Little Mermaid dvd, silly) By dinner time I was frantic though I had the rest of the night off, I made dinner at warp speed, I rushed the family to the table, we had the two year old say the prayer (she says the shortest) and I commenced eating. It was a frenzy that I was helpless to stop. Picture Cookie Monster. That was me. I am weak.

So here I am a 39 year old sesamie street character. I have no solutions, no ideas that work, I am a helpless victim of my speed. This is no lie, no dramatization, I could line up my children and get their testimonials. I turn this problem to you the readers of this blog, even the lurkers, I could use ideas for this terminal condition. I am a speed eater. I have no evasive manuvers, I only recognize the problem. Oh that there really was a "chill out" button I could switch on. Help - Anyone?

#2 Dining Out

I don't hate to cook, I hate to clean. I hate to clean more than I love to cook. That is my problem. I consider myself a "creative" cook. I make things up or try things I see on cooking shows,I try to invent all new tastes - I switch into my "artistic" mode.

As an artist I let loose of foolish conventions, my grandma told me "a good cook always cleans up after herself" but I laugh in the face of such bondage, "give me room, give me space - see what I can do!" Picture the Swedish chef from the muppet show. That is me, food splatters the cupboards, I spill, slop, chop and spray during my most creative moments every pot will become dirty, every bowl used. I end up with a self-declared masterpiece (we do not have general consensus in the family.)

I try to reign in my creative genius most nights. Last night we were conventional. Grilled chicken breasts, brussel sprouts and red potatoes, there was mess, but it was bearable. Most nights I still cringe at 4:30 and think of the time I am going to spend cooking, and then the time I will have to spend re-cleaning. I am a bit anal about having a clean kitchen which leads to rebellion. In moments of weakness (especially pregnancy) I state: "The kitchen is closed, I am having help prepare dinner. I decide to become a lady of leisure and just like Carol Brady says to Alice "oh Alice that looks good!" I ask Wendy what she has for me, and I give her genuine praise and money. We have a symbiotic relationship. We need each other.

Not any more. . . I have had to do away with my excuses. Could you imagine what Mike would do if he found Alice poisoning Greg and Marsha's food? Kick her to the curb and let her little butcher friend Sam have her for good, is what he would do. Well, Wendy and her little Chihuahua friend were killing me and my family. Here are my ways of kicking the habit to the curb and to convince myself not to eat out and avoid an early death.

#1. I play the Calorie and Fat Card. In order to get the Diva Artist inside of me convinced of old McDonald's back stabbing ways, I ask to see the nutrition information card. Each restaurant has one. A month ago, thinking we were making a healthy choice, we went to Del Taco. Fresh and fatty should be their motto. I could not believe what I was seeing. The things that I could make at home for little or no fat, were PACKED with the thigh dimpling stuff. Hint - 17, 28 or 37 grams or more will kill you - eventually- I could not believe what that store was offering me. I like to keep fat to 2, 4, or 6 grams. I had to get a salad with no dressing, tear off the cheese, half the amount of chicken and top the whole thing with salsa. I might as well have bought a head of iceberg lettuce, poured on the Pace and would have enjoyed it just as much. Ask to see the information, it just might take away your appetite!

#2. If the fat card is not enough to sway me away from the dangerous trip to the King of all burgers, I must ask myself how much money I will spend, and how much I could save. It cost's $30 to feed my family usually at fast food, $60 - $80 at slow food. The more kids I get, (and I am getting quite a collection) the more places I have to put the money. I just ask myself if I would sweep my floor and wipe the counters down for $30. That usually does it for me.

#3. The time card is the last of my tricks. I used to think I was saving time ordering pizza, but by the time the delivery boy leaves his hut and makes it to my house the kids have told me hundreds of times that they are STARVING!!! I have a wonderful whole wheat pizza crust recipe, which is so simple and takes only 20 minutes from start to finish to make a lovely healthier pizza. I can clean a messy kitchen in 10 minutes, so from start to finish, I am still 15 minutes under the delivery boy, and $30 richer. Even the box pasta dinners can be thrown together in minutes, and if you omit the fat, or at least cut it down, you are still healthier than eating out.

#4. My only other temptation for fast food is driving around on errands, and suddenly I hear the whines of children. They are starving!!! Feed them!!! In the past it was so easy to drive up to anywhere that wanted to feed us. Now, I come prepared. I have juice boxes in my purse, granola bars in the van, I try never to leave without fishy crackers. Usually that will quell the hunger until we make it home. One of my sisters keeps a flat of water bottles, and a costco sized box of granola bars in the back of her van. It works!

I now look in the mirror and say, I have fondled my last fry, saluted the shake goodbye, I am a new woman, I am a home-cooking Diva! If you share this challenge then, good luck!

The Evasive Manuvers of My Dieting

*This week I am going to post specific tricks I used to help me battle my worst enemies. Maybe you share some of them too

#1 Movie Theatre Popcorn.

I have been on my share of "creative dates" I have eaten in an elevator and in the middle of the mall. and I have learned my abc's backward while mini-golfing and I have gone grocery shopping while speaking a pretend foreign language.* Each of these dates had one thing in common: I wished we were at a movie. I love movies - and a refillable tub of popcorn ("butter?" - "why yes!") The ultimate escape. I still can see myself sitting in a dark theatre, my cupped hand forming a popcorn trough and eating like a horse.

Everyone remember when the hammer hit?

"The culprit is not the popcorn itself but the superfatty coconut oil that most theaters use to pop it. That and the butter -- hydrogenated soybean oil in most cases -- that's drizzled on top. A medium-size buttered popcorn, the report said, contains more fat than a breakfast of bacon and eggs, a Big Mac and fries and a steak dinner combined." (The complete article)

Dang. My world was crushed, what was that about ignorance? I had to learn another way. Now, don't get me wrong, I just indulged while at "Becoming Jane", but I shared, and we all only finished half of a medium, I am not perfect, but this trick has kept me away from the stuff for over a year.

The afternoon before my movie I make lunch as usual - but it is popcorn, I grab a brown paper lunch sack put 2-3 handfuls of popcorn, fold the top over 2 or 3 times, put it in the microwave, push the "popcorn" button, and viola! Hot air popcorn! I had to improvise with this because I gave my popper to the D.I. when microwave popcorn was invented. I could use the light kind of microwave popcorn, but it was hopeless as a diet food because I was melting butter and putting that on top of it for flavor, and the yummy kind is practically poisionous so it is of no use to me.

Back to my version of microwave popcorn, depending on what the scale said that morning I put some real butter on (1/2 - 1 Tbls) it or just spritz it with water and sprinkle butter popcorn salt on it. I eat and enjoy until I am completely full and satisfied. I then buy a small box of junior mints at the store and when faced with temptation at the theatre my stomach is fortified and I can march right by consessions. The money saving is immense and my husband is willing to take me to more movies. Great for all! Enjoy the show!

* I was not referring to my husband - I have not ever had to endure "creative dating" with him. He knows how to treat a girl to a great night out!

-I just heard on the Today Show that it costs 5 cents for 5 cups of popped popcorn from just the seeds, and is less than 200 calories. So my microwave method can make you a gazillionaire if you saved the money you would have spent on movie or store bought microwave popcorn - and won the lottery. Yea!!!

Italian Black Beans And Rice

This is a family favorite that I took off a Progresso black bean can. I love to serve it with low-fat sour cream and salsa. Enjoy - and Have a great weekend!

2 T olive oil
1/2 cup chopped onion
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 - 15 oz can black beans undrained
1/2 cup cubed cooked ham (I use low fat lunch meat ham)
3/4 t dried Italian seasoning
3 to 5 drops hot pepper sauce
2 cups hot cooked brown rice

Heat oil in large skillet over medium heat until hot. Add onion and garlic; cook 3-5 minutes or until tender. Stir in all remaining ingredients except rice. Simmer, uncovered, 6 to 8 minutes. Serve over rice. 4 (1 cup servings)

The malt ball and "tender mercies"

Bear with me, I have a point while I explain yesterday, it may be tedious, but I am not indulging in self pity, I want to convey a miracle. My husband has been away on business all week. Each day I fall a bit farther behind. Yesterday I woke a bold single mother, I exercised and then studied scriptures, got all kids washed, fed, dressed, prayed over and out the door. I showered, ran errands and returned home tired. I fell asleep while reading to my 4 year old during nap time. When I awoke groggy and disoriented I knew that if I didn’t get up and get the kitchen floor moped and bathroom cleaned I wouldn’t have another chance. I was so tired though, I couldn’t seem to rouse my body. I said a silent prayer “Please Heavenly Father, I really need energy and strength enough to get my work done, I am tired, I need help.” After about 5 minutes of quiet pondering (I fell back to sleep) I woke, and finished my chores.

The after school madness then began, snack, babies up, school papers to sign and homework to be looked after. At 4:00 I had to pick up my 8th grader from soccer practice, drop off the little kids at my moms and take the top two to get shots at the pediatrician’s office. I told my oldest (only half joking), “I would sell you right now for a piece of chocolate”. As I removed my toddler from her car seat I found a malt ball on the floor. It was one of the huge ones that I can buy in bulk at my grocery store - I really love those things. Not wanting to share I hid by the van door and popped it into my mouth, right there I had a moment of pure joy. The rest of the evening was crazy - dinner, chores, court of honor and young womens, but I managed and fell asleep.

This morning when I went running I turned on my ipod and listened to a talk from BYU Women’s Conference, called “Refreshing Our Spiritual Strength.” http://www.ldsvoices.com/index.php?cat=WomensConference In it Sister Leann Whitesides talks of spiritual rejuvenation. She gives an experience where she felt one of the Lords “tender mercies” and the thought came to her mind “See how much the Lord loves you?” She said that “the love is there, we just fail to recognize it” I loved that talk and felt the spirit so strong. I reflected on the tender mercies that I have recently experienced, and thanked Heavenly Father for the strength to finish the tasks that I needed to do, I then thought of the malt ball and the Sermon on the Mount.

“Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?” (Matthew 7:9-11)

Some may think of that piece of chocolate as merely coincidence, but I heard Pat Holland say that “coincidences are small miracles where God chooses to remain anonymous.” I picture in my head a loving father watching a frazzled mother and smiling with love, the malt ball was how he could show it. See how much the Lord loves me? I am grateful to my Father for that love and with the constant miracles he showers daily over me.

Two years ago, this month I weighed in at 205, and last year on this day I weighed 154. This morning I weigh 135. Each day I received help and strength and gentle promptings. When I was quiet and still and followed them the best I could I succeeded. Those were the tender mercies given to me at that time. I am grateful to a loving Father who gives “good gifts” who watches, guides, and protects. He is my strength, my light, my joy.

(I posted this morning, and on my way to preschool I panicked and thought - I just confessed I ate a malt ball off the floor of my van and liked it - oh dear what you must think of me...I am pretty sure it was clean if that redeems me a bit.)

"Encore Performance"

I just watched biggest loser. I LOVE that show! In the beginning of my fat dissolving journey, my greatest motivation came from watching just how hard those people could be pushed. When I first started walking up our very steep hill and wanted to go slow, I thought of those heavy women panting and puffing, sweating and stinking, and knew I could do more. I thought of this post and wanted to remind myself and you, that we can do hard things!

"I Can Do Hard Things"

The term “runners high” is a myth. A runners high is merely a sweaty wave passed between fellow sufferers.

In the New Years Fireside given to the youth, Susan Tanner said “I have learned that I can do hard things” So have I.

Exercise for me is hard. There are certain unpleasant things that I know I must do that payoff later rather than sooner. These include, putting money in a savings account, childbirth, cleaning out the van, laundry . . . the list is infinite. Every morning I wake up in a state of justification “I can’t go today, I swear I will go tomorrow. I was up all night with the baby, too tired, too rainy, too cold, too dark, too hot, too windy, too sore.

Tithing is a principle of faith not finances. We learn that paying the first ten percent of a paycheck is easier than the last ten percent. It is easier to exercise the first one percent of the day than the last. It is a fact that it is harder to lose weight and keep it off without exercise. Two years ago, my husband was called to teach early morning seminary. I tried to exercise in the afternoon, evening, even during the day, taking my kids with me. But in the afternoon, I was too tired, or too busy driving kids here and there, the evening I wanted to be with my husband, or watch a show, or relax, and my walks during the day were filled with toddlers straining to get out of the stroller and push themselves.

My only other choice was to get up at 5:15 and go out. The first few mornings were the hardest. I fumbled around, opening drawers in the dark trying to find clothing. I became frustrated trying to find the headphones that were “borrowed” By the time I got ready It was time for my husband to leave and I crawled back into bed.

In a child psychology class I was told that toddlers become out of control or frustrated often because they are placed in situations where they cannot succeed. For example I know that Eliza (2) hates grocery shopping, she wants to run around and explore things. She will not stay in the cart. If she is placed in the cart she will throw a fit. I can choose to take her and teach her, which takes time and patience, or I can leave her home. If I go ahead and take her with the idea that I will just rush in and rush out, without the willingness to have patience and teach, I have just placed my daughter in a situation where she cannot succeed. I could have brought her favorite book, gone to the bakery for the free cookie, had her carry around a box of cereal, or let her greet everyone we pass. If I make no provisions for her, I should not be surprised if she throws a tantrum. It is not right to be angry with her; I knew she would have a problem before I went in. If I did not find a way to help make it fun, or even as painless as possible, the person who needs the time out is me.

I believe that when it comes to doing hard things we become like toddlers. We must put ways that we can succeed before the actual event. Every night before I go to bed, I layout my work out clothes, every part, even my socks and shoes. I put my ipod on top, make sure it is charged, and loaded with interesting things to listen too, good podcasts, or motivational music. I have a deal with my husband that when the alarm goes off he has to tell me, “come on, get out of bed.” He has to be willing to pull me out if I don’t get up. He cannot be willing to listen to my reasons why I can’t go this morning. Sometimes he is frightened. He has learned to do hard things too.

I still don’t love to exercise right away. I get stitches in my side, my knee hurts, I want to throw up, I am breathing hard and I am sweaty. Sometimes, not often, there are moments that I look out at the sky turning bright, smell fresh air, hear birds and feel happy. The biggest payoff comes every day at one o’clock I feel glad I did it. My muscles feel a bit tighter and I feel good.

A missionary once told me that the Lord puts us in the refiner’s fire to make us strong, and that if we aren’t there, we should jump back in.

The refiners fire in exercise is getting to the point of uncomfortable and then going a bit farther. I started with walking 3 - 15 minute miles, when that got to be a non face reddening non – pit smelling, non sweat dripping into my eyes experience, I had to go harder. 4 miles, at 14 min each, can I do 13 min miles? I found that If I pushed really hard, I could walk a 12 minute mile. Why not run 1 minute and walk 3 - do you get where this is going? It has always got to be a bit harder every few weeks. If you can’t do this alone, pray for a workout partner. I have done that many times and have found some of my best friends that way. Pray that you can succeed, and then you can. “If ye have faith ye can do all things” Moroni 10:23 remember, it is good to get Heavenly Father involved.

I hope I don’t sound like a circuit preacher or an info-mercial, I swear I am not planning to sell you a thing. Some of you I know and love, and have asked how I lost weight. This is how. It starts by doing hard things.

"We Do Not Doubt Our Mothers Knew It"

Last night I was sitting at the kitchen table studying while my oldest was doing Algebra. We are into 4 days of school and he told me that so far he is getting all A’s. I looked up to see if he was joking. He was instead beaming with pride. He then said something I really want to remember, “I have learned so far to pray really hard, and Heavenly Father really helps, of course I have to work hard too, but I have been praying in school and I really see a difference.” My little eighth grader gets it. My heart is soaring.

“Every mother is a teacher. No formal degree is required, but your determination to instruct prayerfully and lovingly and according to God’s plan is prerequisite to your success – and theirs.” Virginia U. Jensen

I have been given many tests, some I aced, and others I bombed. The trick as a mother is now we are given tests in front of our children. Each trial we deal with writes a script in their head of how they will deal with their future trials. My obesity was a self imposed, very difficult trial. I struggled so hard and my children noticed. They saw me hide from cameras, and saw me rummage through my closet looking for something that would fit me. They heard me complain. I am sure they noticed. They saw me diet unsuccessfully; once I made a loud declaration that I was giving up chocolate for a month and my oldest laughed as I dug into the chocolate one week later. I laughed with him, but cringed at my example.

They saw everything change once I began to ask the Lord for help. I told my kids that I had received a priesthood blessing and that Heavenly Father was going to help me. They watched me get back from running tired, crampy and sweaty. They watched as my body changed. My second son kept saying, “Wow mom, you look different…in a good way.” I hope they know that I give all credit to my partnership with God. I hope that they know that through Him I can do hard things. I hope they try it out in their lives. When my oldest said that he was praying in algebra class, I couldn't help but wonder if he got some of that from me. I hope so, I fail as a mother in so many ways, my floor is sticky, my bathrooms get neglected, I am impatient, and my scrap booking skills are non-existent, but I am a woman of faith, and I hope that they can say that they were taught that if they “did not doubt, God would deliver them” (Alma 56:47)

Losing weight for me was not just a temporal journey, but a spiritual one. Motherhood consists of other temporal activities which teach spiritual lessons. These lessons are taught on the way to soccer as much or more as they are taught in Sunday school.

“Women have many choices and many obligations, but strengthening our family members remains the single most important thing we can do with our time.” Virginia U. Jensen

I Believe

I am not a nutritionist, I am not a personal trainer, I am a woman of faith. I believe in Christ. I believe in His love, I believe that through Him, all things are possible. I believe that I was given two gifts upon arriving on earth. One was a physical body, the other, the agency to choose. I believe that I do have a choice on how I care for my first gift, that of a physical body. I believe that it was and still is impossible on my own to do it right. I know that Jesus carries me through to my goal of making my physical body healthier, He teaches and prompts through the power of the Holy Ghost. I know that He hears me. I know He is my friend. I know that God is "no respecter of persons" I know that the same help that is available to me is available to everyone. Today, go for a walk, throw out your junk food, eat correct portions. Ask Him for strength, ask Him to teach you, expect miracles and then rejoice when they happen.

"It goes without saying that negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking, including negative thinking about ourselves. We see our own faults, we speak - or at least think- critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long, we and everybody around us are miserable." (Elder Holland)

"The spirit of the gospel is optimistic; it trusts in God and looks on the bright side of things. The opposite or pessimistic spirit drags men down and away from God, looks on the dark side, murmurs, complains, and is slow to yield obedience." We should
honor the Savior's declaration to "be of good cheer"...Speak hopefully. Speak encouragingly, including about yourself. Try not to complain and moan incessantly. As someone once said, "Even in the golden age of civilization someone undoubtedly grumbled that everything looked too yellow." -(Elder Orson F. Whitney as quoted by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland in April 2007 general conference)

Whole Wheat Bread Recipe

Here it is! My favorite way to use the "staff of life"!

The first measurement before each dash is for a Large Batch, Second is Medium, Third is small. DO NOT USE ALL THREE AND THEN BLAME ME (lol!)

14-16/ 10-12 / 6-7- cups whole wheat flour
3 T- 2 T - 1 T - dry yeast
1/2 cup – 1/3 cup - 1/4 cup - gluten flour
6 cups - 4 cups - 2 cups - warm water
1/2 cup – 1/3 cup – 1/4 cup - Applesauce or vegetable oil
1 cup – 2/3 cup –1/4 cup - honey
1 ½ T – 1 T – 2 t – salt

Place 9, 6 or 3 cups fresh flour (depending on desired batch size) into mixer equipped with dough hook. Add dry yeast and gluten flour. Pulse to mix well. Add water, and mix for 1 minute. Turn off mixer, cover bowl, and let dough sponge for 10 - 15 minutes. (Sponging makes lighter bread and reduces kneading time). Add applesauce (or oil) honey, and salt. Turn on mixer, and quickly add remaining flour, 1 cup at a time, until dough forms a ball and cleans the sides of the bowl. The amount of flour needed may vary. Knead 7 to 10 minutes (by hand 12-15 minutes) or until dough is smooth and elastic. Let rise in bowl about 10 -15 minutes (this can be skipped if in a rush but makes the dough easier to form into loaves and makes bread a bit lighter). Place in lightly oiled pans and cover with a dish towel. Let rise until double. Bake in 350 degree oven for 28 – 35 minutes

Large batch makes: 5-6 - 4”x8 ½” loaves or 8-9 3”x5 ¾” loaves
Medium batch makes: 4 - 4x8” ½ loaves or 6-7 3”x5 ¾”loaves
Small batch makes: 2 - 4”x8 ½”loaves or 3-4 3”x5 ¾” loaves

These are things I have learned from experience and/or the “Set for Life” book by Jane P. Merrill and Karen M. Sunderland:

Remember to use fresh ground wheat; mill it yourself, or buy from refrigerator in health food stores, last resort use flour from store, but know it’s not as good as the fresh.

I use applesauce to make this bread fat free. If I run out of applesauce I use oil, it tastes just as good.

I like bread to be soft and I love the taste of “honey whole wheat” so I use 1 cup honey, sometimes I use ¾ honey and ¼ molasses, which makes bread dark and rich. I have a friend that reduces the honey to ½ cup and salt to 1 T for less sugar and low sodium and still makes delicious bread.

I love using white wheat as it makes lighter bread, which my kids love, but hard red wheat has more protein per grain and contains more gluten. I try to mix red and white wheat ½ and ½ and find a good compromise. My husband loves darker bread so when I use molasses and all red wheat he is in heaven.

Bread takes about 2 – 2 1/2 hours to make, I usually start the process when I get home from running, about 6:30 a.m. and can take a shower during the first proof, and dress during the kneading time. While bread rises in pans I can get breakfast on the table and get the kids out the door. Then I put the bread in the oven, put on my lipstick and take it out by 9:00 am …‘Cause I’m a Woooooman’….

Oil your hands and work surface, (if you use flour the bread gets dry), I use spray oil.

The Set –For – Life book has suggestions that they say will improve bread texture:
Add 1 cup buttermilk or yogurt in place of 1 cup of the water
Add approximately 500 mg of vitamin C with your flour
Add 2 T lemon juice instead of Vitamin C
Add 2 T dry or liquid lecithin to the dough
Replace 1 to 3 cups whole wheat flour with white flour.
I have never tried any of these except for the lemon juice (which I couldn’t tell much of a difference) because I don’t ever have any of those things on hand. But experiment and see what works for you.

I have occasionally added 2 cups white flour in place of 1½ cup wheat flour and ½ cup gluten if I am out of gluten or don’t want to spend the money. (Gluten is pricey; I get it in the health food section at my grocery store with the “Bobs Red Mill products but I have seen it in health food stores as well)

Don’t use large bread pans, Whole wheat dough is heavy and can’t support itself in a wide pan. I love medium pans which are 4”x8 ½”, but I know people who love smaller pans. My family would feel put out with smaller sandwiches (especially my 11 and 13 year old boys)

Oven temperatures vary; my oven bakes the loaves in 28 minutes, but when I baked in Canada at my MIL’s it took 35 minutes. Ovens vary, and I think maybe altitude has something to do with it too. I am almost at sea level and she lives on the high plains. Look for loaves to be golden brown, and make a hollow sound when thumped.

My sister taught me to preheat oven to 400 degrees, let bread rise till double - place bread in the oven and then immediately turn the oven down to 325 degrees. Then bake for 35-40 minutes. I have forgotten to turn the oven down too many times and have toasted too many batches to count, but I did like the way the bread turned out when I got it right. I just can’t trust my feeble brain to remember (remember Dory?) If you trust yourself – go for it. It is supposed to kill the yeast to keep bread from rising too high and keep it more dense and soft. 350 degrees for 28 minutes works great for me.

Last, to keep the crust soft (my kids favorite) keep a spray bottle on hand. When you remove bread from the oven place it on cooling racks, mist it lightly and cover with dish towels. You can also cool bread under damp dish towels.

Experiment, have fun! Make it your own. I have really learned to love baking. I feel such a sense of accomplishment when I see homemade bread on the counter. This dough makes great monkey bread, rolls and cinnamon rolls. I use the bread for French toast, bread pudding (when it gets stale) sandwiches (tuna and a glass of milk – yum!!) or I put on spaghetti sauce, favorite toppings, a little cheese, bake and make a yummy mini-pizzas, in the morning I break it up in a bowl, slice a banana, put cinnamon and sugar on top and pour milk on it. It makes a filling breakfast when I don’t have time to make whole grain cereal. I love it! Get creative, tweak the recipe and make it your own, just learn to use the “staff of life” as your main fuel. Good luck! I hope to see many positive testimonials to your weekend of baking in the comment section!

The Staff of Life

I don't count calories. It doesn't work for me. I can't ever figure out how many calories are in the food I eat, and when I do I feel rebellious and want to eat more calories than I have been allotted. I have made a choice, I let my body do the talking and the counting. I know what it feels like to be hungry, I know what it feels like to be full, I know how long it takes to go from hungry to full - 20 minutes. I try to eat 5 small healthy meals every day slowly for 20 minutes and I eat only the portion size. I eat extremely low fat, and substitute healthier options when I can. If I am full I stop, if I am still hungry, I eat more. Food is my friend and partner in my life. I need fuel to go, I don't look at the gas my car needs as an enemy. I think it would be funny if we took all of the emotional garbage we have with eating and left it at Chevron. I know that counting is successful for some. But there is another way to lose weight because this is how I did it.

"All grain is ordained for the use of man...to be the staff of life"(D&C 89:14) A staff is something that people use for support. I think of Charlton Heston as Moses leaning on his staff. In Hebrews Paul tells us that Jacob "blessed both the sons of Joseph; and worshipped, leaning upon the top of his staff."(Hebrews 11:21) Shepherds use staffs to help them tend the sheep, which is their livelihood. Grains as a staff is used to help us accomplish our tasks, for me in my season, I need energy to be a mother. Whatever season you are in, couldn't you use a staff to lean on? I am sure that to run races Thoroughbred horses are given the finest grains, and no matter how much they whinny they will not be getting a Twinkie.

The best way for me to get this staff is homemade whole wheat bread. It is so hard to find store bought bread that doesn't have high fructose corn syrup. Besides homemade tastes best. My family goes through about a loaf a day during the week. I make 5 loaves about every 5-6 days. When I am in a hurry, I grab a few pieces, when I my cravings are out of control, I fill up on bread and low sugar jam, by doing that I truly get full. Believe me when I say that when my stomach is full of wheat bread, I have no cravings for other things. I know that this screams in the face of Mr. Atkins, but I imagine that when the Lord said "Wheat for Man" he meant it.

Tomorrow I am going to post my recipe for my "staff of life" bread. It is yummy, soft and very filling. I have to have my husband put it in a table because I use a Bosh mixer which makes 5-6 loaves of bread. I know that the smaller kitchen aid which is so popular can only make 2 loaves of bread. I have a wee bit of math to do, and since I am married to a brilliant engineer help is on his way! Stay tuned!!!

For the Love of an Ipod

I talk a lot about running but I know you don't have to run to get fit, there are so many wonderful ways to exercise. I chose to run because I couldn't afford the YMCA membership - the money or the commute time. I had walked as fast as I could and I had plateaued. I had to up my heart rate, and running was the next step. It is cheap, and I just have to step outside. You can pick any way that works for you, but you can't lose weight without doing something!!!

Its important for me to be able to know what I am doing, I hate to find out after the fact that there was an easier way. If you go to a gym, find out info from a trainer, if you walk, find things about it on the Internet. I subscribe to “Runners World” I love the ideas that I read there, this past issue includes one man’s (Rob Burnett) way he gets through tough runs. He uses his play list to distract him. He explains:

"For me, running songs have one purpose and one purpose only: to distract. They need to take my mind off the marathon three minutes at a time.”

He then defends his play list from his assistants who mock him for choosing ELO’s “Don’t Bring Me Down”

“There is a man passionately singing that he does not under any circumstances want to be brought down. His desperate plea engulfs me with a burning question every time I hear the song: ‘Who or what is bringing him down? Oh, how chorus after chorus he tries to tell me, “’Don’t bring me dowwwnnnn – Bruce?’ ‘Greuss?’ ‘Stroose?’ What is that word? Doesn’t he realize I can’t help him unless I know? And just like that, three minutes of my run is behind me. Distraction."

The implication is that if he must be distracted from running, then, he doesn’t love the doing, but the being, and has to do it (run), to be it (a runner). I really thought that those who say that they love to run were genetically different from me. I now know that someone who “Loves to exercise” is no different from you or I, they still hurt. They have just trained their brain you redefine “loving”.

So, my redefinition is, I love my ipod, I run to justify the money it cost and the joy I get from dancing at 5:30 every morning. The investment of that $140.00 has paid me back by some major distraction which I need desperately. I use podcasts, which, if you are as old as I am and wrote your college papers by renting time on the library’s state of the art typewriters, you may or may not quite get - yet. Ask an 8 year old to help you understand. There are two LDS podcasts I subscribe to that give a classic or recent talk from church leaders every day "Classic Speeches" and "LDS voices". I also subscribe to NPR and some of their podcasts, like “Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me”, “Car Talk”, and “NPR’s Most Emailed Stories”.

I listen to those when I have a nice gentle run, when I am running downhill or walking, but when I go as hard as I can I use downloaded songs that make me want to dance.

When I was a little girl I used to plug my ears and say “I CAN’T HEAR YOU LALALALALA” I do just that when the lazy in me starts to talk, When my alarm goes off at 5:15, I grab my Ipod and pop in my earbuds. I start my warm up there. My heart starts pumping, “Let’s get it started…huh! Let’s get it started in heeere”. No longer can I hear the whines of lazy me, telling me why I should sleep. I get out of bed. I brush my teeth to Abba while imagining myself running with knee socks and head out the door feeling 16 again. It makes me happy. And you know what Proverbs says:

"A Merry heart doeth good like a medicine...(Proverbs 17:22)

I am including some songs from my playlist, please tell us your "feel like moving distraction" songs. We could all use some good ideas!

Some of My Playlist
Don't Bring Me Down (I have a son named Bruce - one of my all time favorite songs!)
This Love (Junior Sirius edit)
Superstition (Stevie Wonder)
Hold On (KT Tunstall)
Wake Up Call (Maroon 5)
I'll Fly Away (Acapella)
Vertigo (U2)
A little Less Conversation -(Elivis remix by King Junior)
Play that funky Music (Wild Cherry)
Take a Chance on Me (Abba)
Mamma Mia (Abba)
Any Dream Will Do (Donny Osmond)
Swinging on a Star (Bing Crosby)
Diamonds on the Soles of her Shoes (Paul Simon)
Peroxide Swing (Michael Buble)
etc......

Remembering Dory

Yesterday we went took our family to Victoria BC for labor day, we had a wonderful time, but the trip was long. Adding up our time spent together this summer travelling in the family van comes out to just over 60 hours. I am tired yet unbelievably grateful for portable DVD players.

Considering my commuting time this summer I hope you will understand just how much Finding Nemo I have listened to and forgive my analogy. I have been thinking a lot about Dory, and her short-term memory loss. I love her, I love how she and Marlin worked as a team. In their quest to find Nemo Dory tells a school of fish, "You see, he lost his son 'Fabio'.... and Marlin interrupts, 'Nemo' and she repeats "Nemo". They get through every task that way, She begins, he prompts. She is a fish with certain obvious weaknesses, but with Marlin helping her remember she became useful!

During my vacation I fought off the peanut M&M's in the van, the desserts at my MIL's and Burgers at McDonalds. On the last day of the next-to-last trip I was completely worn down and I forgot my resolve for healthy living. I was about to tuck into a dozen Tim Horton doughnuts when my husband happened to channel surf onto the Health and Fitness channel. It was a Boot Camp show, where women were working hard and changing their bodies. My Quest was remembered, I had no more desire for the maple bar, and I was ready to take the kids swimming.

I see myself as a silly blue fish swimming through life easily distracted by too many tasks, I procrastinate, or I simply forget to do the things I decided to do yesterday. My intentions and resolves are wonderful, but my ability to remember them leaves me at very inopportune times. This past Sunday I woke and started to read the Ensigns May conference issue. I turned to Elder Eyrings talk "This Day". I had read it before, had even marked the talk up with things I wanted to remember and yet as I read, I was overcome with a feeling that this talk was only vaguely familiar. He talked about why we procrastinate the things we have to do here in this life.

For most of us the temptation to delay will come from one or both of two feelings. They are polar opposites: one is to be complacent about what we have already done, and the other is to feel overwhelmed by the need to do more.

I know that in both my desire to get healthy physically and healthy spirituality I fail for those same two reasons Elder Eyring lists, complacency - "I ate healthy yesterday, one snickers won't hurt" "I don't have time to read today, I will tomorrow"- and the feeling of being overwhelmed - "I have too much weight to lose, I will never make it""I am so weak, why try?". Feelings like that make me forget what small steps I had previously decided to take in order to change. I now know why the Book Of Mormon prophets plead with us constantly to "remember" and why God had the Israelites collect only enough manna for one day. If we do not collect manna every day, we forget who placed it there, and who truly feeds us. I have said about wonderful spiritual experiences, "This is life changing" but really it was only day changing. I can not remember far enough back to change my life in one big swoop, my changes come from small reminders I find each day. Just like Marlin keeps reminding Dory, the Holy Ghost has blessed my life and helped me to remember the small steps I need to take. I pray for his guidance, I pray for him to help me remember. I then plead for him to speak loud enough for me to hear, and pray that I can be quiet enough to listen. I know that the Lord is the one who gives me strength. I know where the true source of change is. My physical change came because He taught me, I was led to books to learn from, and led by promptings that came quietly. I can like Ammon say:

"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things"

Dory tells Marlin that she remembers better when he is around him, and asks him to not leave her. Marlin does leave, that is where the likeness ends. I remember better when the Lord is with me, but when I ask him to stay he does.

"...yet will I not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands..."(Isaiah 49:15-16)